Release
by Lalait
Summary: After realizing she has fallen for Jacob, troubled by the life that has been forced upon her and unwilling to wait for the inevitable, Leah forges ahead to find her own release to the situation.
1. Chapter 1

**Release**

_I knew it the moment my toes touched the icy water…_

The two packs had met by the lake in order to mend wounds, to try to make rights out of wrongs and to sort things out once and for all. It couldn't continue to go this way, two packs working against each other, heirs exiled from their land. The negotiations had taken place, the terms laid out on the table, both parties had agreed and it seemed as though for a while at least, everything would turn out great. The future would work itself out, it always did in time.

The future.

"…yeah, except for Leah who's a genetic dead end!"

It was Jared's remark that brought me out of my daydream as we stood there, seven shirtless boys and myself, the only one even close to fully dressed with just my shorts and a tank top. Why were we still standing there, I didn't have the remotest notion and the whole conversation taking place wasn't even a vision of a blur in my head but one thing was for sure, Jared's comment had brought me back to reality and hit me square where it hurt the most.

"Jared, shut it." Sam commanded.

The scenario could have played itself in many different ways for sure. I could have come up with a quick, sarcastic retort or at the very least I could have just given him the kind of glare that would have brought a chill to his bones and make him wish he could take back his words. Instead I did nothing. I was tired of games, of playing both offence and defense at the same time All my energy was drained, gone.

"I'm going for a swim." My voice was relaxed, calm, even as I turned and slowly walked to the water's edge. My tone hadn't given the slightest inclination not even a trace or a hint of the sting his comment had caused me.

"Oh come on, that water has to be freezing. It's friggin' winter for heaven's sake!" It was Embry speaking. Mr. Know it all himself.

Two more steps and I was standing at the water's edge, my bare feet tapping it's glacial surface.

_I knew it the moment my toes touched the icy water. _

"Don't come in after me." I smiled as I glanced over my left shoulder at the group that stood by the shore before returning my gaze forward and wading waist deep into the lake.

I could hear them talking behind me. It wasn't as if their muted tones could escape my wolf hearing, I just didn't care what they were talking about. Leaning forward I broke into a lazy breast stroke before I crawl stroked my way farther into the lake. Before my body had intruded into its waters, the dark surface had been smooth as glass, now ripples broke the surface and moved away from my body in every direction. Pushing forward, I kept a steady pace, a soft breeze biting at my ears each time they surfaced, the only sounds caused by my moving body.

I swum for a while stopping only once or twice to sneak a quick glance behind me making sure that at least one of the guys was looking at me, that they could see I was fine. If this was going to go smoothly, I couldn't raise any suspicion, couldn't cause any reason for alarm. Leaning all my weight backwards, I allowed myself to float on the dark surface. The always gray sky smiled above me, soon darkness would come and around the lake, birds could be heard as they picked out their spot pass the night in.

I floated in peaceful silence only lifting one of my arms every so often to arrange my position, my ears perked, listening closely for the sounds coming from the shore. They were still there, conversing about god knows what, their topic of conversation was beside the point. All that mattered was their tones, slowly increasing in decibels as what appeared to be an argument between Jacob and Sam eased to a start. Leaning my head to the left served to corroborate the auditory information I had gathered, all attention was now centered on the two fighting males. It was now or never.

I knew it the moment my toes touched the icy water… in this lake I would be released from life.

Returning to an upright position I looked at the pack for what would be last time before I slowly inhaled and then forced out every single bit of air left in my lungs and then completely submerging myself in the lake, not stopping till I dug my feet into its sandy bottom.

There I waited for it. For that last uncontrollable urge to inhale. I watched as my dark hair floated and gathered around my face. I was suspended in time, anchored to the lake's gritty bottom. Waiting. Welcoming and no longing prolonging the inevitable.

The moment I had stepped into the icy cold water I had known I was not willing to wait anymore. I was not willing to wait for the future when the news would reach my ears that Emily was pregnant. A time when even my own mother would expect for me to be happy. Happy that not only had my own cousin taken the man I had loved, but she would also be having the only thing I could not, a child. I was not willing to force any more smiles, to conjure up all my strength in order to mutter "I'm happy for you."

I was not willing to wait for Jacob to realize that through the course of events that had unfolded, somehow, mysteriously and at some moment I was not aware of myself, I had fallen for him. I was not willing to wait for the inevitable rejection that would be cast on me upon this dawning. I was not willing to continue watching him pine over the already married Isabella Swan anymore. I was unwilling to see him coo over her spawn. What had this world come to anyway when the not-living could bring life into this world but I couldn't? I was not going to continue playing the leeches' guard dog, hopelessly following Jacob around and I would certainly not subject myself to the agony that would come when he eventually imprinted. I'd had enough suffering over an imprinted male to last me two lifetimes.

But this was not all about love lost and love not found, this was also about a life planned but not achieved. This was about all the goals I had set for myself and having to reluctantly watch as they were either destroyed or kept getting pushed farther and farther away. This was about having choices crushed under fate's hateful weight until there were no more options left behind. It was about being trapped and held as a hostage. It was about having my life wronged in every single possible way.

I waited. Waited for that moment when it would all come to an end and as I did so, I tucked my hands deep inside my pockets not wanting them to float up. I would not allow them to hover freely over me because I did not want to be saved.

It was quiet down here. Only the sound of my own thoughts echoed through my head as a racing heart beat banged against my ears. I could feel its rhythmic thumping in my chest as it mirrored through my neck all the way up my temples.

And as sudden as my decision to drown myself had been, it came. The urge to breathe. Mad, angry and uncontrollable it took over me filling my lungs with the icy cold water. It burned. It hurt. A sudden gag and a silent scream.

My own body was now out of my control and slowly but surely, it gave in. A sudden wave of cold hit me forcing my muscles to jerk instinctively. For the first time since I had gotten here I actually felt how cold it was instead of imagining it and just as quickly as I had felt it, it was gone. My thoughts too started to quickly fade along with the rhythmic beating of my heart. My body suddenly relaxed.

Then darkness came and it too slipped into nothingness. All my senses were gone. My thoughts too disappeared.

I was no more. Leah Clearwater was now nothing more than an empty shell at the bottom of a dark lake.

But before it all slipped away, one last thought remained, I was free.

I had been released.

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_My first story ever! Please review. ^^_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Release: Chapter Two**

"...And just what are you going to do about it." I snapped angrily at Sam as I took another step closer to him, our proximity now so imminent that I could smell his rank breath.

"Don't make me go to the council, Jacob." He eyed me defiantly and it only served to make my blood boil a couple degrees higher than it already did as of late. I didn't need this crap. I certainly wasn't about to take it.

"No, I don't think you understood me, Uley. You're not Alpha, you were never meant to be. You only held your status because I ALLOWED you to, just like I'm ALLOWING you to remain standing right now." A dark smile crept across my face as I glared back at him refusing to back down, both my fists clasped so tight that I was sure the skin spread above my knuckles would begin to tear at any moment.

What the hell was this asshole puffing on that made him think he was invincible? Did he honestly think he stood a chance against me? I was more than eager and ready to prove him wrong when a raging bolt of lightning tore through the bleak sky closely followed by echoing thunder. Even the heavens felt the anger currently coursing through my veins.

"Guys?"

"Shut up, Seth." I growled not removing my eyes from Sam's stare.

"No really, guys, where's Leah?"

Knowing Leah, she had probably swam to another side of the shore, ran into the woods and phased unable to control her anger at Jared. It was actually some sort of miracle that she hadn't phased and attempted to rip his face off on the spot. Now that I thought about it, she had been acting pretty tame lately. Well, tame for Leah.

"I'd been keeping my eye on her but now she's gone."

"She's probably planning a surprise attack." Embry spoke. "The moment we phase she's probably going to bombard our minds with disgusting images of leech porn. Thanks a lot, Jared."

"This isn't funny!" Seth whined as I stood my ground in front of Sam. "I'm telling you, I was watching her. One minute she was floating over there and now she's gone. Where is she? The water is dead still."

Dead.

Still.

_"Don't come in after me."_

I blinked as I felt a cold chill collect itself on my knees before it spread up my thighs. I was suddenly not feeling very sure about Leah walking out on the other side of the shore. She had been acting too calm lately and calm was extremely unlike Leah.

"LEAH?" Seth shouted in no direction in particular. "LEAH?" he repeated as I pushed forward, slamming my shoulder into Sam as the rest of my body pushed him out of the way.

"This isn't over, Uley." I spoke as a low rumble emanated from deep within my chest while I walked over to the shore, following its crescent bank looking for any signs of my Beta. When I found her, I was going to double up her duties as payback for her inconvenient, sudden disappearance.

"LEAH!" I called as I inspected the drying blades of grass along the shore looking for any sign of anyone walking on them. Nothing. The ground was intact, every blade of grass incorrupt. Something was off.

_"Don't come in after me."_

Something was definitely off. I could feel it in the chill in my knees. I could feel it at the base of my spine.

"LEAH ANSWER ME!" I called out once in an Alpha command and received no reply.

_Shit._

I ran in waist deep into the water before breaking in full swim mode.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

"Leah?" I could hear the fear in Paul and Sam's voices farther and farther behind me as I swam deeper into the lake.

_Shit. Shit. Fuck._

Why here, why now? I questioned her actions as thunder clapped above me. _Fuck! _I gulped a breath of air and dove under the murky water. Even with enhanced vision it was hard to see. The water in the lake was thick from the cold, inky and darkened several shades by the blackness in the sky. I came up for air and glanced around me, no sign of her. Hopefully I turned back to the pack, expecting to hear that they had found her. No such luck.

Another gulp of air and another dive. Nothing.

Where was she? Where was Leah?

Dive after dive delivered nothing. It was as if the lake had opened its gloomy mouth and engulfed her whole. The strange thought encouraged me to dive farther, deeper into its bowels and when I did, I saw it.

It was so soft, so barely perceptible that I almost missed it. Hair. Pitch black softly swirling in the water. My insides clenched, my heart stopped. Leah? My Beta. My friend. My Leah. Why here? Why now? Why? WHY?

I pushed forward and grasped at her shoulders in search of arms to clasp into but found none and when I did, they had been tucked into her pockets. Realization downed upon me and made my stomach churn. She had done this to herself! This. This had been her own doing!

Abruptly, I dug my fingers into her armpits and pulled her limp body upwards with me, the weight of her body resisting my efforts. But dead weight was no match for me. Nothing would be a match to my determination to pull Leah out of what she had chosen to be her wet grave.

Our bodies surfaced and I could hear Seth's whimpers as his eyes locked on us. Another flash of lightning followed by the clap of thunder broke across the ever darkening sky as I pushed both our bodies through the water towards the shore. The rumble of six pairs of feet making a mad dash to meet us at the nearest bank were preceded by the shouts of the pack.

An agonizing howl echoed through the atmosphere as realization once again claimed another victim. This time it was Sam.

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_**Hey guys, thanks for reviewing. This story still has a couple more chapters to go though I still haven't worked out in my head which turn things will take but don't worry, I'll be kinder to Leah than S.M. was to her own creation. ^^**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

At the speed that Jacob had broken through the water it appeared as if his body had sprung with two heads instead of one. It didn't take any of us a fraction of a nano-second to realize that it was Leah he had found. Why he was swimming with her head tucked between his elbow and forearm was another situation all together.

She'd been warned of how cold that water was, maybe her limbs were too frozen to move.

Maybe she had gotten a cramp and he was towing her ashore. It wasn't like wolves were these unbreakable creatures. We tired, hurt, bruised and bled too. Maybe now she'd understand this and stop playing Superman.

Whatever the reason Jacob was tugging Leah along, we were beyond excited to have found her, relief bathing over our fears as we broke into a mad dash towards their side of the lake. None of us was more excited than Seth. The kid crashed into and broke through all of us in order to be the first to get there. Shouts of Leah's name resonated all around us as we arrived.

Then Jacob slowly inched his way from the water and the smile that had appeared on my face the moment I had spotted them and I had continued to wear as I dashed over, that smile completely fell from my face as my heart broke and all that was left was a deafening howl of anguish that was torn from the core of my being.

Her body was not clinging to his, instead it hung, dangled as if it was no longer held together at the joints. He held her high and tight on his chest as his legs splashed out of the lake. A loose, dangling arm swung back and forth as he lifted her higher, closer to him.

My eyes swelled with tears when I caught the look on his face, a mixture of doubt, defeat, of being crushed. But it wasn't till we ourselves reached her that my whole world came crashing down. It was as if I left my body and was suddenly watching a movie, a bad movie that had suddenly been put on mute, a bad movie with poor lighting and no sound. I could see Seth screaming, I could feel the shaking and commotion all around me but I heard nothing.

Instinctively, possessively I tore her limp body from his arms and carried her to the shore where I laid her down on the frozen ground. This was not the bronze goddess I had once been so madly in love with. This was not the strong girl that somehow still managed to pull at my heart's strings despite the imprint. This was not her. It wasn't. It couldn't be.

A sob broke through my chest as I turned her head and felt for a pulse.

Nothing.

Her skin was cold, the surface had started to wrinkle like a raisin. Her eyes weren't completely shut and remained half-lidded, only the whites showing through her long, dark eyelashes. Her attractive mouth with lips that had always been so warm and plump now had been turned into the lips of another person. It seemed as if this person had been eating one of those blue-red snow cones, perhaps sharing it with Claire, the blue and purple hue bordering the shape of her lips and collecting at the corner of her mouth.

Through my sobs I could feel the commotion around me. See the shuffle of feet as the other guys struggled to keep Seth from crashing onto her, struggling to keep him together and in one piece. Miserably failing and succeeding at once.

No words had to be said between Jacob and I. Both of us got to work, somehow knowing exactly what needed to be done. Lifting her neck up while parting her mouth and pinching her nose closed, I pushed my own breath into her mouth before turning her head to the side. Water came gushing out.

Three, four, five times I filled her body with my own breath before turning her on her side and allowing the icy water to escape her lungs. The sixth try did not bring any liquid with it and that's when Jacob began to pump her chest.

We worked in deafening silence while the muted commotion continued at the corner of my eyes. A couple quick pumps followed by two deep breaths, the same motions repeated over and over. Hot lips over frozen flesh, strong arms over a limp body. Our salty tears mixing with the soft drizzle that had now begun, the beating of our desperate hearts mixing with the thunder crashing overhead. Whether we were trying to interrupt the inevitable or completely halt the unavoidable, we didn't care, we were not about to give up on Leah.

Pump and breathe, pump and breathe, the cycle only interrupted to feel for a pulse, to bring my ears to her mouth and hope to hear or feel a breath.

Nothing.

Pump and breathe. The silent circuit continued till my own lungs burned. Jacob's hands ended their round of assault on Leah's chest but I could not breathe into her mouth anymore, my own throat clasped shut with the emotions I was desperately trying to hold back. Sobs betrayed me and I could not breathe for her anymore simply because I too was drowning.

The look he gave me sent shame down to my very core. While I knelt there crying like a pussy, choking on my own sobs like a school girl, he leaned in and forced his own air into her lungs twice before returning to her chest. Twice more he performed the same ritual before abruptly stopping.

Barely perceptible. Only a whisper of what it had once been but absolutely unmistakable, her heart had once again begun beating.

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**And another chapter. Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. I'm so happy that you guys are enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Someone suggested I let you guys know who's point of view I'm writing from ahead of time. I think part of the fun is sitting there guessing or wondering whom it is. Whom's head you came crashing into. Usually you'll find out within the first few lines and sometimes it will take longer. When I feel it might get a bit too confusing, then I promise I'll let you know ahead of time. Think it will work? Now push the little green button and make me smile. ^^**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Some of them rode on the back of Sam's truck while Jake phased and ran to the Cullen's in order to fetch Carlisle. I sat at the front next to Sam as I clutched my sister's cold body and tried to loan her the warmth of my own.

We were rushing to the hospital over at Forks because none of us trusted any of the help we could get at the rez would be good enough to save Leah. When the guys had managed to get her heart pumping again, there had been a few seconds where they just stupidly stared at each other stumped as to what step should be taken next. Jake had blubbered something about taking her to the Cullens and Sam had barked that it would only happen over his dead body.

_Asshole_.

My sister was on the ground, dying and he dare make decisions on where, how and whom got to bring her back to life? No. Fuck no. My sister. My responsibility. I was the one that had always been there and would always be, I wasn't about to let two babbling assholes fight over which one had the bigger dick. They could duke it out whenever they wanted and however they wanted but not when my sister was involved.

"She's NOT your bitch. She's MY sister!" I shouted lifting up one of her arms. "And we're taking her to the hospital at Forks NOW while somebody goes and gets Carlisle." I added slipping my arms under her back and lifting her up like a sleeping child. I knew I was just a kid but my tone and my anguish left no room for discussion. I may have been a happy go lucky guy most of the time but I also meant business. My sister was not going to die while a pissing contest took place.

We sped in silence through the road. Sam didn't once check the mirrors to make sure that one of the guys hadn't mysteriously flown off the back of the truck when he had taken the type of turn that made the tires screech and the truck swerve. Nobody and nothing but my sister was any concern of ours. It was all about her, about the tangle of limbs that I clung on to for dear life as if by keeping her together I was managing to stop myself from becoming unglued.

The drive seemed to take forever and I wished that there was some way in hell that we could get her help faster. Jake's idea to bring her to the Cullen's had seemed good for about one tenth of a second, after that, it had seemed completely useless. Where in the hell did people get the idea that the Cullen's home was a make-shift hospital anyway? Sure, I was positive you could buy needles and speculums off of Ebay but I was also sure that you couldn't buy most of the things you needed online. Also, things in hospitals were closely monitored and regularly inventoried. It wasn't as if you could go around taking I.V. drips and bags and nobody would notice. Pills and syringes, sure, but heart monitors and gurneys? Come on!

I broke through the automatic hospital doors carrying Leah in my arms. I could have only imagined what the people there must have thought of a half-naked kid carrying a dripping wet unconscious woman, but I didn't give a shit. I burst through those doors screaming like a madman demanding attention. I'm sure the nurses had seen this sort of desperation before many a time and I was sure of it because they had looked up and then back down as if nothing new was going on. A bored look on their faces as they continued to talk on the phone, type into keyboards and fill out paperwork.

Anger was about to take over me and the familiar warmth and tremors began close to my spine. How dare they? MY sister. MY friend. She that always watched out for me when my mother wasn't doing so. She that had held together when everything in the world seemed to go wrong. She was dying in my arms and these WHORES did not care! I was desperate and the thoughts in my head were running wild. My breathing quickened and I was about to loose it when Dr. Cullen burst through the big white doors and pushed a gurney up to me. I placed Leah over the paper sheets and silently watched him rush away, leaving me behind with nothing but questions and sorrow.

I blasted out through the automatic doors the same way I had broken in, nothing but a blur of flesh and denim. The animal in me was quickly taking over and I needed a place to phase away from prying eyes. I needed a moment to calm down and collect my thoughts, to map out a plan of action.

The moment I phased I was met with Jake's mind.

_"How is she?"_

_"Carlisle just took her in. Thanks man."_

_"He was already at the hospital when I got there, Rosalie called him and let him know of the situation."_

I sighed releasing some of my frustration. How was I going to tell mom about Leah. How the hell was I going to break the news to her.

_"I got it." _Jake's thought's broke me out of my own. _"She's already on her way. I'm on my way too."_

I didn't get to thank him once again because his presence was gone from my mind. I was now alone, left to wallow in my own misery.

When I returned to the emergency waiting room, Jake was already there with the rest of the pack, Sam on the other hand was already gone.

"Something about Emily." Jake filled me in as he tossed me a t-shirt. "Put it on, having six half naked guys walking around is making them uncomfortable." he motioned to the nurses behind the desk.

"Where's mom?"

"She's with Leah. Carlisle says she's stable."

Stable. That meant she was fine for the moment but what about later? Did stable apply to later or only the now?

I pulled on the shirt and walked in through the swinging doors in search of mom. There were so many beds, so many foul smells and alien sounds and I just walked on, sifting through them in search of Leah. I found her behind a glass wall. Her body was laying rigid on a frameless bed. An electric blanket had been meticulously arranged over and around her with wires and cables snaking their way out and attaching themselves to all sorts of beeping machines. My mother sat at her side, holding a limp hand that had been impaled with an I.V. drip. It was all a foreign sight to me. The two strongest women I had ever known were now soft and vulnerable, a pile of mush.

"Mom?" I walked over. Her head snapped up with fury, wild, red eyes stared at me with such hatred that I recoiled in fear.

"Seth! How could you let this happen to your sister. How could you?"

Me? I had allowed this to happen? I had been the only one watching. How the hell had I allowed THIS to happen? How was it MY fault? I stood there motionless. Shocked. I was lacerated and resentful but no words I could conjure up would ever express the emotions that coursed through my veins.

Like a hurricane she stood up and ran my way, flinging herself on top of me and embraced me in a hug. "I'm so sorry. " She whimpered as she clawed at my chest. "I'm so sorry, Seth. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it all." I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt as she broke down and wailed. "I can't lose her Seth, I just lost your dad, I can't bear to loose one of you too. Please. Please forgive me. I know it's not your fault." She blubbered and choked between sobs as I too wrapped my arms around her.

The difficult thing about words is that once you say them, you can't take them back. No matter how hard you try you can not unsay things and the other person can not unhear them. I loved my mother dearly but her accusation had already struck a cord. I stood there and hugged her tight crying like a small child but I felt no shame. There was no shame in crying for the ones you loved. Even when they hurt you.

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**About the previous chapter, some of you mentioned that you didn't figure out it was Sam until the "howl" line. That was exactly the way it was meant to be. First because the last line in the previous chapter was a foreshadowing of who's mind you were going to hop into in the next chapter. Second because I wanted the first few lines to feel neutral to the reader. If when the reader first digested them they felt they had come from Quil or Embry, then the reader would have felt ok. Once it's figured out that the words came from Sam, now one feels like he was a bit dismissive of the whole situation and his lack of initial concern makes you dislike him even more. The exact same words can leave a different taste in your mouth depending on from whom they're coming. Please tell me I'm making sense.**

**Thanks to ItsCuzOfTheFame who pointed out that it was nice that Jake saved Leah and not really Sam. I wouldn't have had it any other way, bb!**

**And thanks to all my other wonderful readers whom make it worth to sit here and pound on the keyboard instead of doing all the other things I should be doing. I even made it accessible to anonymous replies. I love all the wonderful reviews and take all comments and suggestions into consideration. Now push the green button and I promise to squee like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Hee Hee! ^^**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I sat by the metal bed lost in thought while keeping a watchful eye over the girl that had once been my Beta.

_"Woah. Still. Still is my Beta. She's not dead. She's not going to die." _I had to mentally reprimand myself. It was easy given the circumstances to become doom and gloom, but I wasn't going to allow myself to think that way. _"Positive thinking, Jake. Positive thinking."_

The first nights Leah had spent at the hospital, Sue had never left her only daughter's side and one of the guys had stayed behind in case she needed anything. They too had been shocked by Leah's accident and perhaps riddled with guilt, helping Sue was a way for them to feel better. Once in a while they'd bring her hot coffee or would take over watch so she could take a bathroom break. Each time one of the guys left for home and another came as replacement, they brought her a meal that she thankfully took but barely touched.

_Leah's accident._

I exhaled in frustration and used both hands to scratch my head like I was plagued by fleas. Slowly I slunk back on the chair. You'd think that with all the time people spend on these chairs worrying, hospitals would invest in more comfortable seating. As of yet I hadn't had the heart to tell anyone that this had been no _accident_, it had been a premeditated action. A harsh, impulsive, stupid, no thought for consequences premeditated action. Telling anyone the truth about it would serve no purpose either. It would only raise more questions and cause her family more pain, especially if she didn't make it.

"Shit." I slunk forward and allowed my head and arms to drop over my knees.

Where had things gone wrong? I mean, she was doing better. A lot better. The disturbing images she kept forcing into our minds had stopped for the most part. Sure she continued to address us by last names and every once in a while she'd screw us over with images of clown porn but this was part of the routine. Part of OUR routine. We picked on each other all the time. Hell, most of the time Quil was the butt of everyone's jokes, even Seth's.

My butt began to vibrate and I stood up to pick out the phone from my right hand, back pocket. I was surprised I hadn't broken the damned thing yet. "Hello?" Seth was on the other side of the line enquiring about his sister. Almost every hour on the hour he'd phone in and check up on her. My answers were always the same, "Go back to bed, Seth. Nothing new. I'll continue to watch till your mom or Emily gets here."

It had actually taken an Alpha command to get Seth to leave the hospital room and go home, shower and attempt to rest. I hadn't wanted to force him to but I remembered back to when Bella was still the center of my world even though she was pregnant. Nobody and nothing could get me to leave her side. I couldn't fathom what Seth was going through but at the very least I could understand it. Even with the Alpha command I had to promise that I'd take his place when he wasn't here. In a way, I too felt guilty for Leah's actions. The events of that day had taken place during my watch and I felt partially responsible for whatever made her do that to herself.

I shut the phone and tucked it into my front pocket. Leah would have a coronary if she knew Emily was here at least once a day to check on her. She came to make sure the nurses were switching the I.V. drip from one hand to the other, to see if her urine container had been emptied, to make sure the nurses weren't unnecessarily rough with her when they jammed a needle straight into her artery in order to check her blood oxygen levels. I guess Emily too was riddled with guilt. No matter how much she had loved her cousin before and after the whole imprinting thing, I'm sure she still knew she had screwed her own family over. Yeah, it had been through no fault of her own, but still.

Even with all the wires attached to her body, Leah looked so soft, vulnerable and at ease. It was strange seeing her this way. I tried to remember a time when she wasn't as dry and sarcastic, when she didn't constantly wear a scowl but it was hard. I was younger and more carefree back then. All my worries were about cars and hanging out with Quil and Embry. I wasn't even that much into girls and they barely noticed me. Once or twice I had stolen glances at her. She was pretty. REALLY pretty. Hell, she was hot and we all knew to keep our distance, no matter what our ages. Uley made sure that everyone knew she was his.

Looking back I remembered that she used to dress nice. When summer rolled along we all stared at her legs and come winter, she'd wear tight jeans that brought all attention to her ass. She knew she was pretty too. Then when Sam left her for Emily, it all went down hill from there.

It was a screwed up thing, that I only seemed to like the broken girls, I mean. Why couldn't I just go for a cute, happy go lucky type? I had heard of their existence. I had never met one, but sure they had to be out there, somewhere. I was doomed. Maybe growing up with Rachel and Rebecca had left me damaged in some way. What the heck was wrong with me? I wasn't stupid. For the past couple weeks I had caught myself talking more and more with Leah. Sometimes wondering what she was doing. Missing the times when she wasn't in my head. And it wasn't a brotherly, protective thing either. I'd caught myself staring at her chest. Thank god I hadn't been caught or she'd have ripped me a new one.

My thoughts were broken by one of the constant beeping machines that were attached to Leah's body. I had gotten so used to their constant rhythm that I barely even noticed them anymore. This time though, I thought the rhythm had changed. I looked up and paid close attention. Nope. Same beat. No change. The thought though continued to eat at me and I got up to inspect the strips of paper the machines constantly spewed out. I didn't have a clue as to how to interpret the rows of lines and squiggles etched along feet of paper but that wouldn't stop me from taking a look and an educated guess. I wasn't an idiot.

Grabbing the strips of paper, I inspected the edge closest to the machine, going by the wire that was glued to her chest, this must have been the heart monitor. All the lines remained the same. No change. I grabbed the strip coming from the machine monitoring her brain function and I didn't even get to glance at it when from the corner of my eyes I detected movement.

"Leah?" my breath hitched as I turned to her, hoping to catch a glance of any movement but she remained completely still. Not even a hair was out of place. Not even her eyeballs moved. I sighed reluctantly. I was so sure I had seen something. So hopeful that her condition had changed and now once again I came crashing down.

I dropped into the chair and rubbed my face with both hands.

_Shit._

I leaned forward and allowed both my hands to dangle between my legs letting a long sigh escape my lungs. The machines started a beeping symphony I hadn't heard before and when I looked up Leah's hand was moving, trying to hold on to something invisible and clawing at the mattress. Immediately and without any thought, I pressed the button to call the nurses. I pressed it so many times I might have short circuited the thing. Soon the room was over run with nurses in crisp, white scrubs and all of them took turns pushing me out of the way until they had kicked me out of the room.

I was standing on the other side of the glass wall that gave to the room when one of the nurses rushed over and drew the green curtain effectively blocking my view. I didn't know what was happening and I was panicking when I dug the phone from my pocket and dialed the Clearwater's number.

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**OMG! Today I rushed home dying to see if I got more reviews and yay, I so did! You guys are the absolute best! Please excuse me while I do my happy dance. *happy dance* **

**Ok, so I do my best thinking the first ten minutes after going to bed or while I'm in the shower and I finally think I know how I want this story to go, problem is that I don't know how I'm going to get there. So my precious, we might end up taking a few unplanned turns, hydroplaning over some puddles and hit some bumps on the road, but we'll get there. Don't despair but remember that this story is classified as Drama with lots of Angst, so if when you're done with a chapter you feel like tossing a cat across the room, then you've got the right feeling! But please don't hurt the kitty. Kitties are fun and made of soft, huggles and purrs. ^^  
**

**Green button is there, squish it. Squish it good!^^**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Beep...beep. Beep...beep. Beep...beep.

_Noise. What is?_

Beep...beep. beep...bip...BEEP...bip.

_Noise. Noise. What is? Clock?_

Beep...bip. Beep...bip. Beep...beep.

_No. Not clock. Not alarm clock. Brain feels like cotton. Agh!_

Beep...beep. Beep...bip. Bip...Bip...Bip-beeb-bip.

_Throat hurts. Not alarm clock. Smoke detector? Fire? FIRE!_

BEEP-bip. bip-BEEP. BEEEEEP.

_Seth! Have to wake up Mom and Seth!_

BIP-BIP-BIP-BIP-BIP-BIP.

_I can't move! Why can't I move?! Throat hurts. Brain feels like cotton candy. Why can't I move, why can't I move, I have to get up, I have to get Seth and Mom, have to get away from the smoke, throat hurts, have to get up, have to get up..._

BEEP-BIPbip-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-bip-bipBEEP.

_Hands. HANDS! Not mine, who's? Don't! NO! Stop! Why are you holding me down? No! Don't hold me down! I need to get up, need to get Seth, need to get Mom. FIRE! Don't hold me down, DON'T HOLD ME DOWN!_

BEEPbip-BIPbeep- BIPbip-BIP-BIPbip-BIP-bipBEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEPbip.

Eez a k! Eez a k! Kilm dan a naus.

_Who are you? Why can't I understand you? Stop holding me down! Please! Please stop! Help me! PLEASE!_

Beep...beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

_The beeping, it stopped! Cold hands. Warm hands everywhere. Seth! Mom! Cold hands. Please stop pushing me. PLEASE STOP!_

Leah!

_You know my name!_

Leah, calm down!

_Who are you? You know my name! Firemen! Seth. You have to get Seth! Cold hands. Warm hands. So many hands at once._

Calm down, Leah! Calm down. It's ok. You are safe. I'm here to help you.

_Cold hands. Who's cold hands. Safe? Safe. I'm safe. We're safe._

That's it Leah, relax a bit. You'll be fine but you need to relax a bit so that I can help. Relax. That's it. Good. Your mom and Seth are going to be really happy. Now Relax.

_Safe. Seth and Mom, safe. Throat hurts, we are safe. _

Good girl. Lie back, that's it. Stay calm. That's it. A little bit more. Good. Very good. Stay calm.

_Yes, I can relax. Your hands are cold, but your voice is caring. I can relax. they are safe. I can relax. I'm dizzy. I want to throw up. I'm a bit diz..._

___________________

_.  
_

_My legs are numb. My feet are cold but if I move I'll have to suffer through that horrible pin-needle, tingling, creepy feeling all over my legs. I hate that feeling. Why is it so cold in here? Did I fall asleep with the window open again? I have to get...woah, dizzy._

.

___________________  
_

_Agh. The sun is hitting my face and won't let me sleep. I was so comfortable too. Wait. Do I hear whispering? Who the hell is in my room when I'm trying to sleep? Sleep? ASLEEP! No. NO! SHIT! FUCK NO! I remember. I fucking remember the lake. Where am I? Who's that whispering. Oh god. Oh fuck no. _

I bit back a sob and tried opening my eyes. It was no use. They felt like they were glued together. Hot tears raced down my temples and collected on the hard pillow under my head. I could feel the presence of somebody in the room, could hear them as they sat down on a chair close to me and flipped the page of what sounded like a magazine. My current location must have been a hospital room, the smell of antiseptic was on everything including myself. It was so deathly silent in the room that I could hear the soft breathing of the person in the chair and the more I heard it, the more I grew annoyed.

I felt so disheartened, so disillusioned. I had failed. My escape had failed. I was now stuck. The hot tears made a new path down my face and now were trickling into my ears. I had bee so careful. How could I have failed. _Fuck! _Now I'd have to explain. To share. Now I'd have to fake smiles, to pretend politeness when all I wanted was to fight. Now I'd have to pretend to care when I didn't and pretend I that I didn't when I did care. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Did they tie me down? Was I on suicide watch? Why couldn't I move?

I wanted to move. Need to. I had to run away.

_Move. Move. Move. I can do this. Fucking MOVE!_

Slowly, I willed my eyes open. My vision was blurry while I adjusted to the light in the room. I blinked back the tears and took in my surroundings. Definitely a hospital room. Glancing down as far as I could move my eyes without moving anything else, I could tell I wasn't tied down. I could make the shape of my breasts and my feet under the pink, knit blanket. I closed my eyes again when I felt the other presence in my room shift a little in their chair.

_Move. Got to move. Relax. You can do this, Leah. It's your body. You control it. Concentrate. Relax. You are in control._

It took effort and concentration but I knew I could do it. At first it was my right hand, the one farthest away from the other person in the room. I could bend my fingers. Then I could shift the whole hand. _That's it. _My body slowly remembered. I jiggled my toes. Flexed my thigh muscles. _That's it. That's it. _Gradually I ran a self diagnostic. Bit by bit I managed to control the muscles.

_Ok, good. Now who's in my room._

Very slowly, I turned my head left towards the presence in the room and willed my eye open. I shouldn't have. I regretted it the moment I did it. I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't be here. SHE shouldn't be here. Hadn't they put me through enough? Why did they need to add to my pain?

The first sounds that left my throat were garbled, raw and guttural but the ones that followed were crystal clear, filled with rage and were unmistakable.

"Leave!"

Emily almost jumped from the seat. Her eyes almost escaped from their sockets as she crumpled the magazine in her hands.

"Leah?"

"I said LEAVE."

"Oh Lee, I'm so gla..."

"LEAVE! GET THE FUCK OUT! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!" My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I thought I would self implode. My breathing quickened as I started to hyperventilate. I wad done pretending. I had gone too far to start pretending again. "ARE YOU STUPID? I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Anger was good. It made my whole body tingle and answer to my commands. I shot up on that bed like right out of a scene from The Exorcist. "HOP ON YOUR BROOM AND FLY THE FUCK AWAY!"

The door to the room burst open and my mother came in.

"Leah? Leah!" she made an attempt to approach me.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" I screamed at Emily. "I WANT HER OUT!" I tried to remove the blanket in order to leave the bed and instead succeeded in ripping off the I.V. drip attached to my left hand. Pain shot all the way up the arm. "OUT, LEAVE, I don't want her here." I hissed while crying.

Mom grabbed Emily by the arm and led her out the room into the hall where she hugged her and pushed the hair out of her face as they spoke.

Inside, I was a ticking bomb. My heart raced, my breathing hitched, my head throbbed. I was hyperventilating, uncontrollable rage consuming every fiber of my being. I wanted to scream, pull out my hair, wanted to fling myself against the walls. I wanted to cut myself, to mutilate my own body, to hack a knife deep into my flesh, to set myself a flame and run wildly. I wanted to let them know how much I hurt, how broken and mangled I was on the inside because none of them could see and none of them could understand. None of them. Not a single one of them. Because if they had an inch of understanding, if they could feel an ounce of what I felt, they would have left me at the bottom of that lake.

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**And there you have it! Lol. Glad so many of you are willing to go on this ride with me. Don't worry, there's plenty of room for everyone and I've brought snacks. ^^ **

**I actually wrote this chapter backwards. The very first thing I wrote was the last paragraph you read. It came to me as soon as my head touched the pillow last night. I had to get up, switch on the lights, grab a random piece of paper and scribble down the lines or I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. The rest of the chapter emerged today from that paragraph. Now I just have to come up with whatever is going to happen next!**

**Little green button...please! \(^__^)/**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The ride home was silent. Uncomfortably silent. The only sounds that could be heard came either from the engine or from the keys on the ignition when we hit a bump on the road. I of course, sat on the front seat next to Mom while Seth quietly sat at the back. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my head.

The Dr. Cullen had released me two days after I awoke and would have probably released me sooner had it not been for my little emotional outburst with Emily. Honestly, it had felt awesome to finally be able to yell at her, specially in front of my mom whom until recently continued to force me to remain on speaking terms with my cousin and make an appearance at her functions. Maybe now I wouldn't have to appear at weddings and baby showers? I held back a smile. It would be a very cold day in hell before I allowed my mom to force me to do something I didn't want to do. Nope. Not anymore.

"How are you feeling? I'm not going too fast, am I?" she put her hand on my knee. Too fast? We were barely moving!

I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit bad for Mom and Seth. Nobody had told them that I was suicidal. I had a feeling that nobody told them because nobody actually knew. Nobody but Jake, that is. After I had relaxed a bit and come to terms with my survival, the family had been allowed back into the room. Well, the immediate family except for Emily. It had been explained to them that my anger was merely shock and fear. Drowning was a traumatizing experience that I wasn't equipped to deal with. If only the counselor had known that it wasn't drowning that had traumatized me but instead the traumatizing had come because I didn't want to live.

After all the initial hugging and crying, Seth had remained to fill me in on the course of the past couple weeks including all the rescue details. I'd been in partial vegetable mode for seventeen days. Partial mode because I had brain function and breathed on my own but just about anything else went out the door. The pack had been a lifeline for Mom and Seth and I was sure guilt was eating up their insides. Why was it that you could treat people like dirt most of the time but when the person grew ill or died all of a sudden everything was forgiven and they were spoken of as if they were angels fallen from heaven? I sure as hell didn't agree with this point of view. I sided with the 'once an asshole, always an asshole' philosophy.

"Leah, honey? I'm talking to you." she squeezed my knee.

"Hmm?"

"We're not going too fast, right? You feeling ok?"

"No Mom, I'm fine. It's great." I nodded. Wow did my neck hurt. That and I felt like a zombie.

We made a turn and were approaching the house when Seth began to squirm in his seat. A squirmy Seth meant one of two things: either he had to pee or bad news approached.

It was bad news.

We pulled up to the house and there were several cars parked out front. I snapped my head at Mom.

"They wanted to welcome you home." she smiled. "You didn't allow them any hospital visits and they were so kind to us... it would have been rude to say no."

_And here we go again._

Seth continued to squirm in the back seat meaning more bad news. I took inventory of the cars. Sam's was there.

"Sorry." Seth mouthed and I could have choked him. Why did life continue to screw with me? I suddenly wished that during the ride I had opened the passenger side door and hurled myself out of my mother's vehicle. My only consolation was that it wouldn't have worked though. First, even at the speed we had been going, I didn't have the strength to open the door and keep it open with the wind trying to force it closed. Second, precisely because of our traveling speed, I would have only ended with scrapes and a mild contusion. Probably a mouth full of dirt.

Slowly we walked through the doors and the whole pack was there. Yes, pack, not packs. We were now one pack with one Alpha, Jake. I wondered how long _that _would last. Walking into a room full of people, specially people that were happy to see you, well, it was awkward. Very awkward and uncomfortable.

"Um, hi?" was all I managed to say. Knowing what I knew and they didn't, it made for pretty weird. I couldn't think of another time in my life when I had felt so awkward and self-conscious except for the first time I had sex. And why in hell's name did I have to bring that one up?

Everyone was clean and dressed nice too. Why would they do that? I'd seen all of them naked, seen them at their worst. Hell, I'd seen some very compromising memories flash through their heads. Shit. I wished my mind was an Etch-a-Sketch and I could shake my head clear of memories and start over.

Food had appeared, polite conversation had started and soon it broke into banter, remarks and all sorts of accusations. Finally. At least now things didn't feel as uncomfortable. This was the type of behavior I was used to and to think it all started over a meatball. Emily's plate of meatballs. If there was a god, Sam would choke on them.

Don't think I didn't notice him at the other side of the table with Jared. And don't for one second think I was going to walk over and thank him for saving me. I knew Mom was waiting for it and I hoped she wasn't going to hold her breath. I wasn't going to thank Jake either. His eyes had not left me since I walked into the room. He stood there next to Embry, his arms locked across his chest. Staring. He looked pissed. What gives. He knew perfectly well what I did, he chose to play hero. I asked nothing of him, so expect nothing of me. Certainly not gratitude.

He wanted to play this game? Hell, I could stare too and I did, silently defying him to spill his secret.

Suddenly if felt like my whole consciousness was being dragged to the back of my head and out my skull. I swear I could feel the ground turn to jelly under me and momentarily my eyes wanted to flip back and look inside my head. My legs did not want to offer me any support. The sound of my own heartbeat was interrupted by an abrupt flash of heat coming from a tall and burly figure behind me.

"You ok, Lee?"

"Leah." I corrected Quil while allowing my weight to rest on him. "Just dizzy." I sort of lied. A lie is when you don't say the truth and I had said the truth, I felt dizzy. What I didn't add were the rest of the things I was feeling. Things like a strong pang of nausea, ringing in my ears, a cramping sensation and cold. Very cold.

"Want to sit? I can fix you a plate." he offered holding on to both my arms. I tried to shake my head no and it only made things worse. I was pretty sure I was about to puke. I managed to gather myself a bit and when I looked up, Jake was still holding his ground, fuming. Nothing had changed except now his hands were balled up into fists at his side. I wished I was standing closer to him. Maybe I could empty my stomach contents all over his shoes.

Soon though, I was being carried off to bed by Quil, of all people. To add to my shame, Mom followed all the way and then tucked me in and kissed my head like I was a toddler. If there was a god, he loved toying with me but at least I didn't have to put up with an unwanted reception. Actually, from now on, I wasn't about to put up with A LOT of things.

_Party's over, bitches._

_

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_

**Oh wow, I got some pretty cool reviews for the previous chapter. I loved how some of you could actually relate. Those long-ass reviews are pretty awesome but don't think I don't appreciate the short ones too! I love knowing that somebody out there has sat down and read and without reviews, it kinda feels like nobody has, so thank you all. ^^ I feel all sorts of fuzzy, kinda like a cute, baby chick.**

** Some of you were a little lost about the whole temperature range of the hands Leah felt. Carlisle was Leah's doctor, remember? The cold hands and soothing voice calling her name were his. The warm hands belong to the nurses that rushed into the room and pushed Jacob out of the way so they could get to work. **

**I'm off to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving, hence the early update. Hope to read you guys soon!^^**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Huh? Wha..." I was woken from deep slumber by constant snoring. The room was dark and gray streams of light seeped through the window flooding the room. I was about to bark at someone when I realized that the snoring had been coming from me. The pillow bunched up under my head was soaked and my nose was stuffy and wet.

I stared at a patch of light that seemed to come and go as it danced across the wall in front of the bed. I couldn't push the thought of Jake out of my head. Did I feel anger towards him for snatching me from the water? Yes. Without a doubt. At the same time I couldn't help but wonder why he'd done it, why he hadn't given up when it would have been simpler to do so. Why he'd stood there and glared at me from across the dining room. I desperately needed to get him out of my head.

Some people believed in love at first sight but I knew it didn't work that way. You fell in love with people when they weren't in front of you. It all happened after they'd leave and you stayed behind reminiscing, replaying thoughts and actions in your head while you tried to look for secret meanings in the words they had spoken. Falling in love happened when you wondered back and forth asking the what ifs, pondering at the possibilities. It came about as you planned phone calls and chance meetings, casual encounters here and there, it was brought upon by memories of stolen glances and unsuppressed smiles.

The more I thought about it the more frustrated I became. He didn't like me since the beginning and now he only put up with me. Yeah, ok, so actions spoke louder than words but the actions he'd taken nineteen days ago spoke only of loyalty to the pack. I was sure he'd have rescued Paul the same way even if just so that he wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath of not doing so.

Laying on a wet pillow and with a stuffy nose while I continued to stir a pot of unresolved emotions was not going to help me get through this day. It wasn't even going to help me get through an hour. I was pulling the blanket off me and about to dangle my feet from the bed when a barely perceptible nasal symphony wisped past my ears. I looked down onto the floor and there on the space between my bed and the dresser lay a sleeping body, it's shape instantly recognizable.

"Seth." I whispered dangling my feet off the side of the bed. "Seth!" I repeated while gently nudging him with my toes.

"Lee, what are you doing up?" he tried to shoo me away from his fetal position on top of the hard, wood floor.

"What am I doing up?" I shuffled around looking for my slippers and found them as make-shift pillows under his head. "What are YOU doing in MY room?" I asked while I snatched them free from under his skull, his head making a hollow thud against the wood.

"You were having nightmares. Kept crying and waking me up so after the fourth trip, I just figured it'd be easier to stay. Every time you started over, I just kicked the bed and you stopped."

Nightmares? Crying? I sure as hell don't remember any of that. As far as I was concerned, I was completely knocked out most of the night. What time was it anyway?

"What were you dreaming of, Lee, when you were crying?"

"I don't dream, Seth." He must have been a bit confused, poor kid. "You sure it wasn't you crying?"

"My nose isn't the one all stuffy." he smirked and followed me out the room and into the kitchen.

The clock on the microwave marked our closeness to dawn as I tugged at the refrigerator door and pillaged through its contents. I was starving. Maybe that's why I'd been crying in my sleep. Lord knows there was nothing else to cry about, right?

"What happened to the meatballs?" I asked setting containers on the counter, opening them and smelling their contents.

"Threw them out." Seth grabbed a bowl and popped it in the microwave. "Knew they'd piss you off."

_That's my boy! _I ruffled my whole hand through his hair.

"Lee?"

"Hmm?" I casually replied as I watched the bowl spin inside the microwave.

"What happened?"

"What do you mean?" God, how long did he set the timer for?

"That day?"

"What day?" I tugged open the door without bothering to stop the cycle.

"At the lake." his voice grew annoyed as he jerked the bowl from my hands and placed it back into the food zapper.

"What do you mean?" I once again opened the microwave door, snatched out the container and glared at him as I went to the silverware drawer and rummaged for a fork, first threatening him with it before I stabbed at the food in the bowl.

"What happened out there, you taught ME how to swim. One moment you were there and the next you were gone..."

I shrugged, my mouth stuffed full of some sort of saucy concoction. "I don't know, I'm still human I guess. Miscalculated. Shit happens. You know."

"You scared the living shit out of me!" his eyes suddenly welled up and watching the happiest kid in the world about to break down and cry made me wish twice as hard that I had indeed died. I never wanted to see my kid brother so hurt. "And then I got blamed!"

I swallowed hard almost choking on the chicken. "You what?"

He tried to speak and couldn't and I in turn could not stand to see him like this. Setting the food on the counter, I brought him to me and held him tight in a bear hug. My little brother. The cutest kid in the world who already almost looked like a man. I held on to him and refused to let go. He was the sweetest, most noble, caring being I had ever known and it made me want to protect him from everyone and everything but somehow I had failed to protect him from ME.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing that could ever happen to me could ever be your fault." I rubbed the back of his gray t-shirt up and down. "Besides, it's not your job to protect me. Whomever told you that what happened out there was your fault, well, that person is nothing but an asshole."

"It was Mom." his voice came out muffled.

"Well, see? Once again I was right, there you go." I replied letting go of him and ruffling his hair before once again attacking the contents of the bowl. "

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**Oh, what? Oh! You wanted Jacob! I see. I see. But we can't just go from A to Z without lightly grazing the letters in between. We'll get there, precious. All in due time. Guess who's coming in the next chapter! What? Oh, no, I haven't written it yet. Maybe I'll get to it after breakfast, that way I can update tomorrow. ^^**

**May I kindly direct your attention to the green button? Donka!  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

After Seth's and my own little straight from the microwave breakfast I returned to bed to try and get more sleep but failed. My brain refused to shut off and allow me any moment of peace. I was so upset with life, with the world and my surroundings. I continued to go back and forth over the same thoughts, over the same crap, proceeded to swim around the same emotions. My mind traveled in the same circles and somewhere along the route I always stumbled onto the image of Jake. Why couldn't I just hate him? Why couldn't he just have let me go!

I huffed in frustration as I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. He should have let me go. They should have let me go. Death wasn't as scary as everyone thought. It wasn't any of the things we were led to believe. It was simple. The same outcome, same result for all of us. There was no reincarnation, no ever after, no kingdom, no spirits or watchful ancestors. It was clean, simple and finite. I couldn't even describe it as going to sleep. There was an indescribable difference between the two, something unmistakable and palpable. My life never flashed before my eyes, I never saw my dad, there was no light and no tunnel. It was like traveling back to the time before you were born. To a time when you didn't exist, when you were nothing. How do you describe nothingness?

Outside my bedroom window I could hear the birds chirping and through the curtains, mandarin colored light filtered into the room. Soon Mom would wake up and barge in demanding I be up as well. It had been recommended by the hospital social worker that I attend counseling. I rolled my eyes at her suggestion. Death was a scary thing and counseling would help me deal with the trauma, she had said and Mom had automatically agreed.

_Pfft_.

I dressed warm and headed outside for a walk trying to escape both the thoughts of my mom and the thoughts in my own head. Maybe a brisk walk and some scenery would help. Tucking my hands into the coat pockets, I made it out the back door and through the thicket into the woods. I knew the surroundings like the back of my hands. Wolf or not , there wasn't a way in hell I could get lost. I knew every branch, every tree, where every creature lived and hid.

Taking a sharp turn left I followed a trail I'd used many times before throughout the years, at first when I was a kid I'd use it to play and then when I got older I'd use it when I snuck out the house. I don't know for how long I walked. For the first time in days I didn't feel dizzy or tired all the time. Body aches were still there but the walk had helped and I soon found myself facing the cliffs.

Was I tempted? Hell yeah. I wanted nothing more than to march up to the ledge of a cliff and jump off head first, not into the water though, I wanted my head to smash up against rocks. Let's see them try to piece me together then. I sat down and watched the crashing waves while I dug my fingers into the rocky sand, lifting fistfuls of granules and allowing them to slip out of my hands and disperse in the air. Knowing my luck, there was probably somebody watching me right now or Mom had sent Seth to fetch me for my first round of therapy.

"What are you doing here alone?" the voice came from behind me.

Life just kept fucking me up the ass.

"I was waiting for you to show up so that you could set the mood for the rest of the day, why, what does it look like I'm doing?"

"I know what you did-"

"Last summer?" I didn't even let Sam finish his sentence. "Didn't really like that movie. Love Hewitt's bouncing titties every time she got scared or agitated were very anticlimactic".

"I know the truth, Lee. I could read it in Jacob's thoughts. He can keep his thoughts away from the rest of the pack but he can't hide them from me."

"My! Aren't we a little bit special! Congratufuckinglations?"

"Lee..."

"My name is Leah." I replied getting up and rubbing my hands to rid them of sand as I began to walk away.

"Leah." he said grabbing my arm and stopping me. "I'm trying to talk to you. What the hell were you thinking? What has gotten into you?"

"Let go off me!" I turned snapping my arm back and breaking free from his grip.

"It's been a long time, Leah. You have to let go already. None of us meant for this to happen, we didn't ask for this, you have to understand!"

"Understand?" I turned around to face him again. "Understand what exactly?"

"Emily and I..."

"Emily and you?" I laughed sarcastically as I brushed the hair out of my face. "You think this is about Emily and you? Wow, self-absorbed much? This isn't about YOU. This is about ME. This is about me being trapped. This is about being a caged animal in a zoo exhibit. This is about having no say in my own future! You? What about YOU, Sam?" I asked stepping closer. "It makes you feel important, doesn't it, thinking that I spend my every waking moment dreaming about you. Let me make it perfectly clear, I am over you. I am SO way over you but YOU on the other hand, are not over ME."

The look on his face, the scowl he now wore, it gave me pleasure to watch his face contort in anger.

"What. When you broke up with me and ran to Emily, you thought it was simple huh? You imprint, you find your soul mate, everything is perfect and end of story. Didn't turn out that way, did it? You still feel it when you're around me, don't you. She was forced on you but I was the one you chose. You can't bear to have me go away, to not know my every move, that's why you sent Jared begging like a dog. That's why you're here whining. You're not over me."

"When Jacob pulled you out of the water I..."

"I don't want to hear it." I snapped.

"Why, why don't you want to hear it? Afraid that you might have to show another emotion besides anger? Afraid to admit that you still feel something for me too?" he grabbed my arm once again.

"Oh my god! Did you just not hear a single word I said? I know you're not the sharpest tool in the shed but come on Uley! I. AM. OVER. YOU. But you know what I'm not over with? The humiliation. Imprinting, yeah, I can forgive your fucking imprinting on my cousin but I can't forgive the constant fucking humiliation you keep throwing my way. You couldn't have waited a while before going off with her, right? No. It had to be right away. You had to parade yourself all over La Push with her, holding her hand, you had to move in with her right away. You know what's fucking humiliating? Having to constantly meet at your house, being forced to attend dinners, being constantly pushed to witness your expressions of undying love for one another. To be constantly subjected to your thoughts about her. But none of that matches the fucking humiliation of being asked to and then being forced to be a fucking bridesmaid at your fucking wedding. You, my mother and Emily have decided to band together and constantly fuck me over. And that, Uley, that is something I'm not over with. "

I was trembling now, sweating under my coat as the anger washed over me. He too was trembling, his shaking growing more violent as the grip he had on my arms got stronger. I was certain he was bruising me but I was not backing out of this argument. Looking up over his shoulders, I could make a female figure approaching us with her hands deep in her pockets as her hair danced in the wind.

_Emily._

He couldn't see her with his back turned her way. He couldn't detect her scent with the wind blowing in the opposite direction. I blinked slowly and allowed my eyelids to become heavy. I forced my breath to become uneven and bent my knees so that he'd have to hold me up. His grip became tighter as he attempted to rearrange his hold on me to distribute the weight and when he came closer to do so, I lifted my chin and kissed him.

The reaction I received was not what I wanted, instead it was better than what I had expected. He didn't pull away, rather he dipped in closer for the kiss, his lips all over mine. I did not protest but allowed him to kiss me and then when his tongue dipped too far into my mouth, I pushed him away.

"I knew it, you're not over me, Lee, because I'm not over you."

"Does she know that you're not over me? Maybe you should tell her." A dark grin crept over my face. "Good bye, Sam." I slowly dragged his hand away from my arm and continued to hold it as I walked away, forcing him to turn in my direction. There, right in front of us but a few feet ahead, stood Emily watching. Unmoving. I quickened my pace and reached the spot where she stood, outrage washing over her features as I approached.

"Emily!" I called out as I neared. "What are you doing here so early?"

She lifted her hands as if to grab me by the hair and slap me but I held them firmly in the air and forced them down. She was no match for me as I easily held her arms against her side and forced her into a tight embrace. "Don't you ever try to hit me again unless you want both sides of your face to match. Now Sam's watching, play nice." I whispered so that only she could hear as I let her go and then added with a coy smile, "Besides, I'm not the one you have to be worried about." I wiped the corners of my mouth. "No hard feelings though, right? We're all one big happy family?"

I could hear Sam's feet as he reached us.

"You know how much I love your famous muffins, you'll bake some for me, right?"

"LEAH!"

It was Seth calling me. Mom had sent him to fetch me.

"I have to go now. My mom is probably waiting to take me in for my medical follow up visits. I'll see you two around, soon?"

"MOM IS WAITING, HURRY UP!"

I waved and walked away leaving a fuming Emily behind. My first morning out of the hospital hadn't been so bad after all. Even if I did kiss Sam.

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**\(o_O)/**

**Reviews?**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I have no clue how I managed to make it out of that horrible therapy session without vomiting. It had been one of those group session things you watch on reality television when nothing else is on and even though I hadn't wanted to attend, I figured that any time out of the house and away from my mother was good for me, so I went and sat and listened. It was refreshing in a way to hear how other people had been so scared with their near death experiences and all the things they had to live for. Ok, so I hadn't been scared of death and for the moment I was only trying to play the cards life had dealt me, but in a way it made me feel superior to all these people. Not only had I been face to face with the things that went bump in the dark, I'd kicked their asses too.

The only thing these people had that I didn't was freedom. I'd had tried to kill myself in search of that independence but hey, now that I thought about it, I'd gained it, hadn't I? Where as before, I did what I was told and what was expected of me, now I stood my ground. Yeah, that's right. I had nothing to lose and it had taken the bottom of a large body of water for me to realize it. Ok, so I didn't necessarily have the same freedom as these people, but I was working on it.

Had just set a goal for myself? I had taken control of my life into my own hands and my goal was to keep it there and not hand it over. Wow! One hour in a group therapy had actually done some good? I had to make sure never to let anyone know. I had a reputation to protect. Bitch is a title that is earned, unlike whore and slut, it wasn't just carelessly handed out or thrown around.

I now sat on the living room couch watching MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen while I struggled to keep my jaw from hitting the ground. Did people actually live this way? Her mother paid how much for those candle holders? Oh hell no! Her car cost more than Jake's house!

And there I went again. Even when I wasn't trying to, Jacob Black always broke into my head. I sorta, kinda maybe missed him. I'd seen him what, a day and a half ago at my unwanted reception? Ok, so I was still angry at him but at the same time I wondered what he'd been up to. He'd probably spent his time at Maison de Leech still chasing after Bella's ass and giving doggy-back rides to her spawn. I imagined the tiny leech brushing the hair on his tail and I became so jealous that I could feel my blood boil.

_Nice Leah, nice. Becoming jealous of a toddler has got to be your new low. Very mature of you. Way to hold on to that freedom._

"Lee, Jake's on the phone. Wants to talk to you." Seth walked into the room still wearing his school clothes.

_Think of the devil and he appears_. "Tell him I'm in the shower."

"You know he can hear you, right?"

"Ok. Then let's stop pretending and cut through all the formalities and just tell him that I don't want to talk to him or anyone else for that matter. If it's important then he can leave a message."

"She says that- oh..., aha..., ok." he turned to me with a grimace, "He says that you have patrol tonight."

"What?" I jumped off my spot on the couch and tore the phone out from Seth's hands. "You've got to be kidding me! I just made it out of the clinic and already you have me on patrol. What the hell, Black?"

"Well, since you're obviously feeling a lot better then you can go back on the schedule." his voice on the other side of the line sounded annoyed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I slammed my hand on the table.

"Oh, Jared told us about your little stint with Sam this morning, so since you're feeling well enough to-"

"What are you, middle school girls? Did he pass you a note during Social Studies? Did he pretend to stretch his back and then just drop the note on your desk?"

"We SPOKE during Woodshop actually but that doesn't change anything and if you're feeling well enough to go spit swapping with Uley, then you're good enough to go on patrol. See you tonight at eight." And he hung up the phone on me.

"Son of a cock-sucking bitch!" I slammed the phone on top of the dining room table. Seth stood behind me with wide open eyes. "What!" I snapped at him.

"Nothing." he said lifting his palms straight up in the air and walked into his bedroom where he shut the door behind him.

Now I was really screwed. Yesterday when I'd returned home from the hospital, the dizzy spell had saved me from having to talk to Jake. Today I couldn't evade the confrontation with Sam but some quick thinking had killed two birds with one stone and made me a much happier person at that, but shit, a confrontation with Jake was something I was really dreading. I was an emotional wreck. Part of me wanted to survive this whole incident and make up for all I'd missed out on since I phased for the first time but another part of me just wanted to fill up the bathtub with water and drown myself in it.

_Crap! _I scratched my head and tugged at my hair. _See you at eight. _That meant that I'd be on patrol with him. _Shit! _It's really fucking hard to share a brain and keep anybody from seeing your thoughts. It's right down next to impossible. That conversation with Jake was going to happen whether I wanted to or not, specially because he was one stubborn guy and he was not going to just ignore it and let it go.

"Shit!" I looked at the microwave's clock. Four o'clock. No wonder Seth was still in his school clothes. I'd even forgotten what day it was, hell, I wasn't even sure of today's date. I sat on the couch and rubbed my temples in circles. There had to be a way out of this. _Come on, Leah, think_.

Maybe that was my problem. I thought things out too much. Maybe if I was more like Paul life would be easier. He didn't give thought to absolutely anything and just acted based on nothing but instinct. My instinct on the other hand was to think.

_I'm so screwed_.

There was another reason that I didn't want to phase and that reason had nothing to do with Jake. I'd spent seventeen days unconscious and two more days at the hospital after that. Now I'd spent about two days at home, meaning that I'd spent close to twenty-one days without phasing. Twenty-one. That was almost one lunar month. Close to a month without phasing and already I was feeling the effects. A small little thing like feeling the cold but to me it was a huge step forward. Maybe if I could keep it up then other things would follow, like my period.

Somehow in the past days I had convinced myself that maybe I wasn't a genetic dead end. Maybe the absence of a period was just nature's way of keeping me going, kind of like hardcore gymnasts and athletes. They didn't get periods either because of all the stress they put their bodies through. Maybe nature had been doing the same thing to me, I mean, if I got my period as a wolf I would have been at a disadvantage, right? It sure as hell would have been ridiculous to run with a tampon string hanging out from my furry butt. _Almost a month. _I continuously reminded myself. If I could just keep it up for a little longer and see if my theory was right.

The time on the microwave read four thirty-seven. I had under four hours to either take a nap before phasing or formulating and carrying out a plan so that I didn't have to phase in the first place.

What if I just didn't show up? Would he leave his post to come and look for me or would he just howl, our version of texting, until somebody phased and he made them fetch me? What if I hid? No. That would not only be stupid and childish, it would scare Mom and Seth as well.

_Fuck, I wish I could just sleep through the rest of this month_.

That was it! I could just sleep through it. Simple enough. I turned off the television and went to Mom's bedroom to rummage through her drawers. After Dad died, she had trouble sleeping so she'd managed to get some prescription sleeping pills that knocked her out like a log. You could have played trumpet next to her ear and she'd just turn on her other side and continued sleeping. All I had to do was get my hand on those and I'd be able to pull through.

Rummaging through my mother's drawers had rendered no results and only revealed two things: she wore huge parachute-like granny panties and her clothes drawers were nowhere as neat as she had forced ours to be.

Undefeated, I turned my attention to other places in the house like the kitchen drawers and cabinets followed by the medicine cabinet above the bathroom sink. The only things I managed to find were expired cough syrup and a pack of time-released allergy pills. I turned the back of the cough syrup bottle and read that it contained diphenhydramine, an ingredient which made you sleepy. Awesome. Then I grabbed the pack of allergy medication and read the warning: this product contains diphenhydramine, an ingredient which causes drowsiness and fatigue. Do not take this medication along with any other medication containing diphenhydramine. Contact your poison control center in case of accidental overdose.

Bingo! I'd found my loot. I examined both medications for their dosage. Seeing as the cough syrup was already expired, I downed what remained in the bottle figuring that it would take all of it to render some sort of effect. It was now the allergy medication's turn. Dosage was one to two pills every four to six hours. Calculating with my fingers and taking into consideration my height, body type, weight and the fact that I was a freaking shape-shifter, I disregarded the dosage chart on the back and just downed the whole packet with a glass of juice, figuring that the citric acid would help break down through the pill's gel coating a lot quicker than water.

The time on the microwave clock was now five thirty and Mom would be home by six. Grabbing a set of pajamas, I stepped into the bathroom and took a nice, long shower. It was too bad that every single product I owned was fragrance free, another side effect of morphing into a wolf. It just wouldn't have been a good idea to prance around the woods smelling like strawberries, coconut and freesia or some dumb shit like it. By the time I made it out of the shower Mom was home, I kissed her good night and went to sleep.

_Patrol at eight, my ass_.

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**My last chapter got mixed reviews because Leah was too out of character. (T_T)**

**Oh come on! It's a fan fiction! I'm a fan and I wrote some fiction, don't kill me. Please? With sugar on top? Now here's my explanation: I thought that since Leah just tried suicide and doesn't have anything to lose anymore then why fall back on the same old behaviors, same feelings and same I would nevers? Almost dying is a life-altering event, nobody, including Leah would stay and act the exact same way as before, therefore I wanted to alter her personality a bit. I won't allow her to run into the woods and stay unchanged. I want her to get all her anger and frustrations out so that she can go back to being whom she was and move on. Besides, I need problems or otherwise the story is just a lot of crying with no point. I hope that as the story moves on I don't lose too many of you as readers when I continue to do some character/event shake arounds. (_)**

**Oh, and this story is rated M for a reason. Don't try to do the things you read here or you'll end up a) actually broken and/or b) actually dead. K?**

**Review? Be gentle. It's my first time.  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Jared, Embry and I had Woodshop together second period. It had been coincidental but also very convenient, that way we could stay in touch without resorting to phasing and phone calls.

"Hey Jake, did you hear the latest?" Jared walked over while sanding what I assumed was supposed to be a napkin holder.

"About?"

"Sam's pretty pissed about it."

"Again I have to ask, about?" I questioned while measuring the piece of wood in front of me and adjusting it on the table saw.

"He bumped into Leah this morning and she frenched him."

The piece I was cutting hiccupped out of the saw and almost took my finger with it. "What?"

"HEY, BLACK! BE CAREFUL OVER THERE, I DON'T WANT YOU BLEEDING ALL OVER MY CLASSROOM!"

"Sorry Mr. Young." I replied picking up the stray piece of wood and examining it before turning back to Jared. "She did what?"

"Yeah, he said they were having some sort of argument ,which he didn't go into detail about, and then she just went for it, in front of Emily."

Thank god I hadn't begun cutting the piece of wood yet or I'd have ruined it again and this year I actually planned on passing all my classes.

"Is she brain damaged? I asked incredulously.

"It's pretty messed up. Emily is upset about it too."

"HEY, YOU TWO GIRLS! BREAK IT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK!"

I saluted Mr. Young with the piece of wood I had been attempting to cut and went back to measuring.

For the rest of the day I kept thinking of Leah. I'd been called on to answer during Civics and I was completely lost as to even the subject of the day. When I came to, everyone had their books open and were reading while I was just sitting there staring out the window. Why would she kiss him, of all people. Had she decided to fight for him? No, this was Leah I was talking about, there had to be another motive behind it but it didn't matter. I had to admit that I was jealous so during fifth period Math I decided that she was going on patrol with me that night. We still had a chat that was long overdue and now I wanted to know why she'd go and kiss Sam Uley.

I'd been meaning to call her right after I got home but when I did make it back, dad wanted to me to take him grocery shopping. Paul eats all the food in the house and Rachel is there all day, so I still don't get why he chose me to take him. By the time I managed to call her it was four in the afternoon and she seemed pretty upset about patrolling but I didn't grant her the chance to scream about it, I still had Math homework to do and if I managed to get it done on time, I'd be able to sneak in three hours of sleep before having to head out for part of the night.

Now it was past eight and Leah hadn't shown up for her shift. I kinda knew that she wasn't going to, I had figured that one out the moment I cut our phone call short, but I still had a shred of hope that she would.

"Sorry I'm late, man." I felt Embry's thoughts the moment he phased. "Had a hard time sneaking out the house again. Mom's really pissed."

It was the same thing every single time it was his turn to patrol. I wasn't even sure why he still kept up with the apologies or why his mother hadn't give up by now. "I need you to handle it by yourself for a little while."

"Where you going?"

"I have something I need to take care of." I said phasing back. "I'll make it quick."

It would have been quicker getting to Leah's as a wolf but I had to protect my thoughts from the rest of the pack. I was close to her house already and from where I now stood, I could see the reflection of the television flicker through Seth's bedroom window.

"Seth!" I tapped on the window. "Let me in."

I heard his bedroom door open and he came out the back door. "Didn't take a genius to know you'd be coming here when she didn't show up." I followed him into the house and then lead him around to Leah's bedroom. "I tried to wake her up but she shooed me away, so I left. I figured it'd be better to have her angry at you rather than me."

"Leah." I gently tapped at her bedroom door not wanting Sue to hear. "Where's your mom?"

"Charlie's." Seth disappeared back into his den. The kid looked like he was about to hurl.

With Sue out of the equation, I turned the knob on Leah's door and opened it up just a crack. "Leah." I called this time louder while fully opening the door and walking in. "Hey, Clearwater." I couldn't believe I was standing in Leah's room. It looked nothing like I expected it. To be honest, I didn't expect it to look a specific way, I'd never given any thought to her bedroom before. "Hey, Leah!" I was now practically yelling as I stood next to her bed and shoved her arm.

"Not now, honey, I have a headache." She mumbled unmoving from her fetal position, her back turned to me.

"Now's not the time to fake it. You, me, patrol. now."

"Oh, I'm not faking." she shifted under the covers and pulled them higher over her head. "Now get out and go bother Bella or something." Her voice sounded muffled as she rolled herself tighter under the sheets.

Why'd she have to bring Bella into it? Her and Edward were probably going at it right now. The thought of him moving inside her really ticked me off.

"Get up!" I demanded as I yanked the covers off her. Slowly she turned her head in my direction before willing the rest of her body to do the same. Lazily, she sat on the bed and planted both feet firmly on the ground as she stood up. Her hair was matted against one side of her head and on the other side she wore creases from the bed sheets.

"Fine." she blurted as she struggled to keep her swollen eyes open. "You want me to phase and patrol? I'll phase and patrol, oh supreme Alpha. Now stand back" She shut her eyes tight and pressed her lips together feigning concentration. "Eh, nope. Not working. It seems I'm having trouble caring or phasing, Jakey-poo." She went to grab my shoulder and almost lost her balance.

"Are you drunk?" I sniffed at her. She smelled like cherry cough syrup and sleep. "Are you friggin' high?" I further questioned as she allowed herself to fall back on the bed.

"I don't know, maybe?"

"Well, which one!"

"What was the question again?" she squinted while carefully scanning me up and down.

I shifted my weight around and rubbed my fingers along my forehead as I walked out the bedroom and went straight into the kitchen to check the trash cans. Inside I found a bottle of cough syrup and a box of allergy medication, the foil and plastic packet crushed.

"How much of these did you take?" I asked once again standing in front of her.

"I don't know." she replied scooting up the bed and fumbling with the covers. "Whatever was left and three?

"What the hell is going on through you head?"

"I don't want to patrol," she groaned into her pillow. "And I don't want to phase and I don't want to see you with mini-leech."

Ok, so that shed some light into the subject but as for the whole not wanting to see me with mini-leech, that was clear as mud. Now I was definitely sure that age was nothing than a number. She was how much older than me and yet she was acting like a child. "Leah, you have to phase sooner or later. Protecting people from vampires, it's what we do. It's what we were made for."

"No." she retorted from her position. "I'm..." I thought she fell asleep for a second, "I don't want to play werewolf anymore. I'm done."

Those words, _I'm done,_ they bothered me as I stood there with the empty containers in my hand. She'd done something incredibly stupid already during my watch and we had been lucky to have her back. It struck me that she might try to do something stupid again, something even more stupid than she had done now.

"How long ago did you take these?"

It seemed like I waited forever until I received her muffled reply, "Hours."

I thought about the possibilities as I studied the containers. So the cough syrup was expired, wouldn't have much effect. Allergy medication was one every four hours and she'd taken three? Ok, not enough to kill her but I knew she'd continue trying stupid things until she got what she wanted. This was just like Bella and her sudden interest in dangerous things. The only difference was that Bella was a terrible liar while Leah didn't even bother lying. She gave it to you straight, not caring about what you thought or felt. This new side of Leah greatly bothered me. Something was eating her up on the inside and I had to get to the bottom of it.

Right now I had the nagging question as to what her real intentions were when she downed the medication. It made me nervous not being able to read her thoughts and know what her plans were. I could tell she was in pain, something I wasn't aware of had changed and hurt her to the point where she'd harm herself. I hated not being sure as to what came next, I hated this uncertainty. And so I did the only thing I could come up with at the moment.

"Leah?" I called out her name. "Leah?" I repeated and waited bent over her bed until she replied and I was sure she was listening.

"What." she sounded annoyed.

"You can't harm yourself anymore." I gave her an alpha command for the first time ever, before walking out her room and quietly shutting behind me the bedroom door.

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**Ok, guys. Next chapter is Leah's take and it's already written. Will be posting tomorrow.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Hey, Clearwater!" I could hear him talking but he sounded so far away. It felt so good, here in bed. _So soft. So warm._ "Hey, Leah!" he shoved my arm and it annoyed me.

"Not now, honey, I have a headache." What could he possibly want when I was lying here so comfy? _Mm, so soft._

"Now's not the time to fake it. You, me, patrol. now."

Oh! Patrol. I remembered but it didn't mean I cared. Those allergy pills were awesome. _I should make note to buy them next time I'm in town. They give you that nice floating feeling. _And that nice floating feeling disappeared the moment he yanked the covers off of me.

"Fine! You want me to phase and patrol? I'll phase and patrol, oh supreme Alpha. Now stand back." It actually took some determination to keep my eyes open. Maybe if I phased and toppled over, he'd leave me alone. Then again, the whole point was that I didn't want to phase in the first place. "Eh, nope. Not working. It seems I'm having trouble caring or phasing, Jakey-poo." _Whoa, his arm is bigger than my thigh! _I went to touch it but totally missed it and went for the shoulder instead.

"Are you drunk? Are you friggin' high?" Was he sniffing me? I swear he just sniffed me. And holy crap did I just not have a sense of balance. Maybe I WAS drunk. Or maybe it was high? I couldn't make up my mind.

"I don't know, maybe?" I replied

"Well, which one!"

Hmm, now that was going to take some thinking. The cough syrup's active ingredient couldn't have affected me seeing as it was expired but the pills on the other hand could have interacted with the high fructose corn syrup, wait, "What was the question again?" I eyed him up and down. He had come from patrol because he wasn't wearing a shirt. If he was here, then who was there? Oh well, I didn't really care, he'd left the room and now I could go back to sleep on my so soft, so warm, delicious be-

"How much of these did you take?"

Oh god, too good to be true. I knew it. What did he want now? How much I took? There hadn't been much in the syrup bottle and practically all the pills had been taken from their foil packet by the time I got to them. I didn't feel like having a whole conversation and so I gave him the shortest possible answer. "Whatever was left and three?"

"What the hell is going on through you head?"

"I don't want to patrol, and I don't want to phase and I don't want to see you with mini-leech." Oh, oh. Where did my brain-to-mouth filter go? I was sure I had one. I'd used it plenty of times before when I'd been at Emily and Sam's house. These pills weren't so good after all. That floating feeling was all nice and stuff but I needed that brain-to-mouth filter in order to function.

"Leah, you have to phase sooner or later. Protecting people from vampires, it's what we do. It's what we were made for."

And when did he become all happy and complacent with this responsibility that had been forced on us? Next thing out of his mouth would be that he couldn't wait to imprint. Right? I might have been high or drunk or whatever I was, but I still wasn't going to accept this crap and let it control me. I hadn't been made to chase vampires. I'd been made so that I could be whatever in hell I wanted to be, even if what I wanted to be was a drunk bum on the side of a road in Seattle. "NO! I don't want to play werewolf anymore. I'm done."

"How long ago did you take these?"

God! Was he going to keep this up? How long was he going to stand there and prod me? Couldn't he tell that I was desperate to go to sleep? What time was it anyway? Whatever, I'll just throw a ball park figure at him and hope he leaves. "Hours."

"Leah?"

Maybe if I just ignored him.

"Leah?"

Damn, that wasn't working. "What!" I groaned.

"You can't harm yourself anymore." and he left my room closing the door behind himself. Whatever, as long as I got to go back to sleep. _Sweet_ _Succe- _My thoughts came to a screeching halt and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. That double timbre in his voice. I'd heard that before. _HE USED AN ALPHA COMMAND ON ME! _

I felt instantly betrayed. Deceived. I wanted to jump out of bed and shout E TU BRUTE! I wanted to grab random objects and fling them across the room and punch my fist through the window. I was too high to do anything and I just laid there with a tornado of emotions tearing up all my insides. Once again I began to stir the endless pot of emotions and go around in circles until it struck me, _he cares_. _He really does care about me_.

It wasn't in the romantic sense, but he did indeed hold some sort of regard for me. He had cared enough to search for me in the waters and to bring me back. He'd stayed at the hospital and tonight he came looking for me, right? He didn't send somebody else to do the job like Sam had done in the past, there had been no middle man. He came here himself and then he left to continue with his duties. That's why he had been fuming at the party, right, because he cared? Jacob Black actually cared about ME!

I suddenly wasn't nearly as mad about the alpha command as I knew I should have been, and that bothered me. A lot. I slapped my face with both hands as I drifted off to sleep.

_I must be high as a kite._

_

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_**A tiny chapter but at least now Leah finally gets it. Sorta.**

**Holy shit! I have over 200 reviews! I'm so excited that I have to stop myself from using thirty or so exclamation points after each sentence. You can't even begin to imagine. And to think that I almost didn't write that first chapter. I grew some balls, wrote the chapter and posted it hoping to get at least two reviews. Then I said to myself, "Maybe I'll even get five! And just maybe they won't say to go fuck myself!" Now I have over two hundred reviews, countless story alerts, been favorited and to make things even more 'crap in my pants' exciting, some of the authors who's stories I've enjoyed so much are now reading mine. How amazing is that!? Wish I had confetti to throw around. **

**Next chapter is currently in the works. I plan on it being from two different people's point of view. It will begin with one person's thoughts then I'll make a division where the other person picks up the narrative and ends the chapter. As usual, you'll have to figure out who's who but don't worry. It will be easy.  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

I walked on the wet sand close to the edge of the crashing waves thinking that maybe I should have worn something warmer. I was still getting used to the new changes in my body and every time the wind blew, I could feel it's icy fingers penetrate the holes in my woolen sweater. It was an old thing washed so many times that it had lost it's original shape. Once upon a time it had been a creamy shade of white, now it looked more like the color of dry sand. I tugged at the sleeves and tried to stretch them over my hands. The tips of my fingers were becoming really cold so I crossed my arms over my chest as I continued walking.

Seth was already at school and Mom had left for work when I woke up that morning. I wished I could say that last night was nothing but a haze in my mind, but it wasn't. It was live and clear, eating at me. I couldn't say that I regretted it, I mean, it had helped me to come to a possibility that until then I continued to ignore, still, I felt pretty stupid about the whole thing. I was behaving like a kid because I wanted to avoid accepting consequences. Why, for god's sake, was I so against meeting Jacob face to face? It had been so easy to tell Sam off. So damned easy. And where I'd found the strength to behave like a total bitch, was beyond me. I guess that's what years of bottling things up will do to you.

And now I knew that I should talk to Jacob and that what was eating at me inside and making me so scared was having to admit to him that I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to open up to him and say 'thanks but no thanks.' How do you say that to someone who had only the best of intentions? How do you say to someone who struggled to breathe life into your body that you'd have rather they didn't? That all their effort was wasted. I was beyond a bitch. I was nothing but selfish but was it really being selfish to just want to be normal?

As I walked around the beach, the wind blew hair into my face and eyes. It felt nice to once again have hair that was long enough to flap around in the wind. It still wasn't long enough that I could do anything with it, but it was at a length that made it feel more like me. Even the way I was dressed now, with my long jeans, boots and a sweater, it felt more like the old me and less like a shape-shifter that tore almost everything she owned to pieces. I felt like a person as opposed to a feral hairball that ripped people to shreds. Ok, so they were technically dead, but they still looked and acted like people, crazy people... shit, everything in my life was so confusing, so damned complicated. Absolutely nothing about my life was black or white, absolutely everything was made of several shades of gray. Gray like the sky above and the ocean besides me. Gray like my fur.

"I've been looking for you." I was startled by the voice behind me. It was Jake.

.:

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.:

I snuck out of school during PhysEd knowing that the only way to get to Leah was if she was cornered. Common sense and courtesy had failed me so now I'd moved on to plan C: a surprise attack. The first place I went looking for her was at her house, thinking that after last night's stint she'd still be in bed. She wasn't there. It's amazing the sort of thing that can flash through your head in a fraction of a second. Twice she had done something stupid and it had only taken two incidents in order to condition me to expect the worst. In two tries I'd been conditioned like Pavlov's dog.

The second place I searched for her was in the wooded areas behind her house. I'd phased in order to do so but the only trail I'd found was a day old. Phasing back, I continued going down a mental list of places she could go to with no car and decided that she was either at the cliffs, the beach or the lake.

_Or maybe Sam's house. _

No. Not Sam's house. She had to be at the beach. I was sure of it. And I was right. I'm always right. I spotted her walking with her hands wrapped around herself, her head facing down throughout her journey. I stood there for a moment watching as she moved farther and farther away, studying her body, wondering what she was thinking. Was she waiting for Uley?

Whoa, this jealousy thing had to stop. I guess I couldn't help it. When I had finally realized that I might be feeling something for Leah, it seemed like she was being taken away from me. Still, if she was waiting for Uley, then I'd better make sure to get there before him.

"I've been looking for you." I spoke when we finally reached.

"Here to give me another Alpha command?"

"I won't apologize for that, it was a last resort. I didn't know what else I could do to get you to stop hurting yourself." We were now walking side by side and I could see when she rolled her eyes at me.

"Come on!" I sighed, "You can't continue to avoid me. We have to talk."

"Well, you're talking aren't you?"

"Leah..."

"Jacob." Now she was giving me dirty looks.

"Come on!" And now I was getting quickly frustrated.

"Fine, you want to talk? Let's talk about why you aren't in school right now. Planning on turning high school into a career?"

"I came to see you, see how you were doing, I wanted to discuss what happened last night and..." And I just couldn't say it. I still couldn't say what she had done at the lake. She quickened her pace and for a moment I thought she was going to storm off. At this point it wouldn't have surprised me if she did but I wasn't about to let the subject drop. "Why do you always have to put up walls? I thought that, well you know, we were getting along, that you could trust me enough to talk, to tell me what's going on."

"You sound like you've been spending too much time with the blood suckers, Black."

"So we're back to being on a last name basis?" I questioned while shoving my hands deep into my pockets. "I haven't been at the Cullen's in over a week. I've been busy with homework, patrols and making sure you're alright."

"Well shit, I'm sorry for keeping you from your leeches and your babysitting duties. As you can see, I'm alright, so you can stop playing hero now." Once again she picked up the pace.

"About that," I picked up the pace too, "If everything was ok, as you say, then you wouldn't be behaving this way. What is going on! You know you can tell me anything, right? I know we didn't exactly get along at first..." I wanted to tell her how I felt but knew it wasn't what she wanted or needed to hear, so I didn't. "You know I'm here for you. If you want to talk, anything you want to just let off your chest. I'm here."

She stopped abruptly and turned to face me but only with her body. Her face looked elsewhere, her eyes glanced everywhere but in my direction. The emotions on her features were hard to make out. Uncertainty? Relief? Surprise? Doubt? Annoyance? I couldn't read her and so I stood and stared, fighting the sudden urge to just hold her.

"I'm fine, Jake, really."

"No you're not. You like to put up this facade like you're so strong and invincible, but you're not. You don't have to be."

"Jacob, I'm fine." This time she hissed it and I thought she was going to hit me at any moment. And I would have let her too. I'd let her use me as a punching bag as long as I knew what was going on, that she was going to be alright.

"Then why can't you look me in the eye and say it? If you are doing so well then why do you refuse to phase? Leah, I know something happened at the meeting. You were fine before. What happened? Tell me!" I grabbed her arm and she pulled it back. "Who or what hurt you so much that you'd..."

Once again I had to stop myself. I still couldn't bring it up, the blow still too near.

"You were getting better, you told me yourself you were happier than you had been in years. What's going on, Leah. What happened that made you hurt so much?"

She turned her face away from me and when she finally looked back, her eyes were full of tears. "You remember how I told you that it would be easier to deal with your pain than to face mine? I guess I finally faced mine."

That's where I stopped holding back. The urge to comfort her was too much and so in one movement I wrapped my arms around her body and brought it to a crushing halt against my chest, where I held her.

She didn't fight back.

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**.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Then why can't you look me in the eye and say it? If you are doing so well then why do you refuse to phase? Leah, I know something happened at the meeting. You were fine before. What happened? Tell me!" He grabbed my arm at exactly the same area Sam had held it the day before, his fingers even pressed into the same spots that were already bruised. Not only did it physically hurt, it angered me that he felt he even had a right to touch me.

"Who or what hurt you so much that you'd..." What, that I'd try to kill myself? I wanted to interrupt him, to fill in the blank and shove my finger into the wound but he stubbornly continued the endless prodding.

"You were getting better, you told me yourself you were happier than you had been in years. What's going on, Leah. What happened that made you hurt so much?"

He remembered that conversation? The endless questioning, it was like a constant drop of water that over time created a hole in the rock it landed on. I wanted to ignore him, to turn around and continue walking without acknowledging his existence but when I looked up at his face and found his eyes, I suddenly felt naked. It was like he was staring through me right into my very soul and an abrupt feeling of misery washed over me, drowning out my anger.

I couldn't help myself. I had to tell someone because the constant feeling of being empty, of being a reject and alone, it was all consuming me. "You remember how I told you that it would be easier to deal with your pain than to face mine? I guess I finally faced mine." I admitted.

In one swift motion, I was forced onto his chest where he held me unmoving, crushing me. I didn't protest. I couldn't. It had been so long since I'd received any sort of affection from anyone beside Mom and Seth... so long since I'd had any sort of physical contact. My brain screamed to push him away, to run, but somehow the message wasn't getting to the rest of my body.

I was trapped between his arms, my own arms constrained between my chest and his abdomen, my face pressed against his chest. I could hear the air fill his lungs, felt his muscles move as he rested his chin on the top of my head and even when I could move, I didn't, because now I was on the verge of tears. I could feel the pools forming behind my eyelids and I didn't want him to see me cry.

It was cold. The icy ocean breeze continuously biting me, but I wasn't cold anymore. I was wrapped in comfort and heat, girdled in strength.

"Talk to me." I could feel his hot breath on my head as he spoke questioning my motives.

I shook my head no in reply. I couldn't bring myself to talk or I'd break into sobs.

"Please." He held on a little tighter before slowly releasing his hold and pushing back so he could see me, "Please?" He begged. "Was it Jared's comment? Was it Sam?"

"No!" I pushed away from him and suffered the instant loss of warmth. "Yes. I mean NO! It's not how you think." I ran my fingers through my hair trying to get my thoughts together. "We're now one pack, Jake. I was free of him. He wasn't in my head anymore. I didn't have to hear his thoughts. I didn't have to sit by and watch..."

.:

* * *

.:

She paced back and forth, her hair in a battle against the wind, and I knew she was fighting back the tears as she made an attempt to make order of the jungle of thoughts in her head. "...and I thought the Cullens would leave! They'd leave and take the spawn with them and there'd be no more reason to patrol or continue phasing. I could go back home! I could regain my life, be normal...and then you decided to rejoin the packs and you didn't ask, you simply decided."

"Leah."

"No!" Her voice cracked, "It's not fair. It's not fair to me. None of it is. I wasn't meant to become this monster."

"None of us asked for this." I interjected.

"It was a burden placed on the sons of the tribe, it was supposed to be responsibility of the men. I wasn't meant to turn into this thing. To be forced into fighting, to protect everybody while I got hurt. It's not fair to me. You didn't ask, you simply decided the packs were joining and now once again I am being forced to stick around and watch his happiness. How do you think I will feel when I get the happy news that they're having children? I bet you anything they'll want to name it after me, make me it's godmother, force me to throw them a baby shower. It's not enough that I have to watch you play and coo over the half-leech, it's not enough that bloodsuckers can have children and I can't, it's not enough that I'm constantly reminded that I'm barren by my own pack, now you're forcing me to share a brain with Sam. Now I'll get to see and feel all the love he'll have for his children."

"Come on, Leah. You have to get over this! You can't continue dwelling on the same thing. You HAVE to move on!"

"Move on? Didn't you hear a word I said? I WAS moving ON but then you decided to move us BACK."

"What did you want me to do? Pitch tents in the middle of the woods and move in permanently so we could avoid you having to face life and move on?"

"Oh, it's so easy for you to judge, isn't it?"

"Do you hear yourself?" I was angry now. " I defended the Cullens when all I wanted was to rip Edward to shreds. I STAYED when Bella was pregnant. I HELPED deliver HIS child. I was there when she died for HIM and now I watch Nessie grow and protect her as well." I walked closer to her. "Sam imprinted on Emily. He didn't want to. He couldn't help it. He couldn't beat it anymore than any of us can break an alpha command. If he had a choice, he'd come running to you and beg you to take him back. In my case there was no imprint, there was no force of nature to blame. I got REJECTED. I was NOT good enough for Bella even when I was protecting her. She wanted him even when I was ready to DIE fighting for her life. She chose him because she didn't WANT ME. Can you see the difference in that?"

She stood there fuming, rigid with both arms at her side as I took my turn in this yelling match.

"I stayed, Leah. I stayed and faced my truth. You were there, you saw me, you were in my head. I am not judging you. I'm telling you that I KNOW, I can understand, but you have to move on. What you pulled at the lake was WRONG."

"I was NOT wrong, It was my decision to make, YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME THERE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME AFTER ME!" as she screamed, she punched me twice before I held her in place by the wrists not because I was angry but because I wanted her to listen me.

"You think that's it, huh? You think that your life belongs to you and that's it? What about the people close to you?" she struggled to break free but I held on. "What about the people you leave behind to suffer? Do you have any idea how we felt? Do you have the slightest notion as to how it felt to find you in the bottom of the lake? How it felt to carry the dead, limp body of a friend? Have you ever experienced that?"

I was now shaking as I tried to talk sense into her.

"Have you ever suffered the misery of trying to bring a friend back to life? Agonizing over each and every time you press down on their chest trying to get their heart to beat, begging over and over for them to live, forcing your own breath into their lungs even though your own throat is raw and your lungs burn? Wished that through some sort of miracle you could pass on some of your life to them? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE, LEAH?"

My grip on her wrists got tighter as I pulled her closer to me.

"Death is not about you! Death is about those you leave behind to pick up the pieces."

"Let go of me. You are hurting me!" she struggled against me.

"Not nearly enough as you hurt us." I spoke through clenched teeth as I let go.

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**A special shout out to Kei Kat Jones whom seems to be able to jump into my head and read my thoughts. How do you do it?**

**And once again, thank you to all my reviewers and readers. ****Wubb Ya! \(^_^)/**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

I slammed the door when I walked into the house. I was getting fed up with this shit and I was getting fed up pretty fast. It seemed like for every step I took forward, I ended up taking three steps back. Obviously almighty alpha Jacob Black just didn't get it. How could he think that getting rejected by Bella was worse than getting screwed over by imprinting? He could imprint at any time and all the hurt she'd caused him would be easily forgotten. But what about me? Did I imprint or get imprinted on instead? Or did imprinting even apply to me at all?

The subject of being barren didn't affect him at all either. Of course, because he could have children. Hell, he could make children right up to the moment he died. What about me, huh? I couldn't have children now or ever. And even if I could have children, I had deadlines; past thirty-five and there were possible developmental issues, past forty and there'd be maternal health issues on top of the infant development issues. After that, there were no more baby making chances. But what the hell would he understand of any of this.

_Asshole_.

"I just can't figure this out and I have patrol tonight!" Seth whined from the dining room where he sat with books and papers strewn over the table. "If the shadow of a tree measures eighty-three feet at three in the afternoon and train A leaves Washington traveling at fifty miles per hour while train B leaves Newark traveling at seventy five miles per hour, then how old is Billy's dad?"

"Gimme that." I ripped the paper from his hand and read over the problem. "This is handwritten."

"Yeah, so?"

"So you copied it wrong because it makes absolutely no sense."

"The teacher dictated it."

"Then you obviously weren't paying attention." I mused returning the scribbled-on paper.

"It's kind of hard to when Jess keeps distracting me." he played with the pencil in his hand.

"Stay away from girls, Seth." I ordered him.

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Stay away from girls. Remember that one day you'll imprint and you've seen just how well that shit works out." I yelled over my shoulder as I walked into my bedroom and slammed the door behind me.

_Fucking imprinting, fucking wolves, fucking vampires, fucking alpha commands, fucking ancestors... _

I threw myself on the bed and pulled the pillow over my face wishing it was possible to smother yourself. Who made up all these rules anyway? _Stupid rules_. I removed the pillow from my face and flung it across the room. Mom would be home late and I would bet anything Seth hadn't had anything to eat. More mental curses followed as I made my way back to the kitchen and busied myself with dinner.

"Smells good." Quil dropped by as I was about to prepare a plate for Seth.

"Aren't you supposed to be gushing over your imprint or something?" I looked at Quil over my shoulder.

"He's going on patrol with me tonight." Seth pointed out as he gathered his school things. "You staying for dinner?"

"I wouldn't mind, I mean, if it's ok with Leah."

"Sure, whatever." I replied bringing out another plate from the cabinet.

"So, what's for dinner?"

"Look Quil, you eat what I make or you can take your ass back home." I snapped as I slammed the spatula on top of the counter sending bits of sauce in every direction.

"Mm! Sounds delicious. I'm famished." he patted his abdomen and flashed me his best smile.

After their meal, Quil joined me on the couch where I was busy flipping through channels without any actual interest in the programming.

"You didn't eat." he stole the remote from my grasp.

"Not hungry." I took the remote back.

"Weird." he swiped the remote again.

"Excuse me?"

"Wolf metabolism, always hungry, you know." he flipped through the channels

"Humph." I responded with nothing but a sound but the thought stuck with me. How long had it been since I'd felt this ever consuming urge to scarf down everything in my sight? I tried to remember and settled that right up until the lake meeting, I was constantly hungry but ever since the hospital, I just wasn't that interested in food. Not that anyone is ever interested in hospital food, but still, hospital food or not, none of us would have ever passed at a chance for a meal.

"So, how you feel?"

"Better." I sort of lied. I mean, I did feel better, depending on which aspect of my life he was questioning me about.

"Good. You really scared us there for a while."

"Yeah, so I've heard." I replied getting up. "Listen, I have stuff to do, you're free to stay or whatever." I signaled with a wave of the hand as I disappeared into my room and locked the door behind me. Once inside I began to rummage through the drawers looking for a calendar. How long had it been since I phased?

I couldn't find a calendar anywhere so I free-handed a couple squares on a blank sheet of paper and scribbled the dates. It had been what, twenty-two almost twenty-three days since I last phased? And when did I last experience that insatiable hunger? Wait, I spent seventeen days as a vegetable, so on the eighteenth day I hadn't had much of an appetite... but I had been really pissed and who's hungry when they are pissed? So nineteen days later I didn't have that greedy appetite?

Ok, so no hunger had been my first symptom. Or was it the dizziness? No, I had been pumped full of meds to keep me from tearing that room apart, so maybe the meds were the cause of dizziness or maybe the lack of physical activity for so long had made me weak in the first place, causing any sudden movement to make me dizzy, kind of like when you bend over and straighten up too fast, maybe. Right? Ok, right then, but moving on, I was feeling cold lately and when I had been regularly phasing I hadn't felt the cold, no matter how bad it was.

I scribbled down notes on the little misshaped boxes. Lack of appetite, change in body temperature..._THE MEDICATION! _Yes! I'd been able to get high on over the counter medication! Shape-shifter metabolism wouldn't have allowed for that, would it? Ok, so those three pills would have knocked out a normal person, but still, they'd affected me and I wasn't normal, meaning that my metabolism had been slowly returning to its natural state.

I was so excited that I could barely contain myself. Slowly but surely and steadily, my body was returning to normal. If I returned to my old self, there'd be no more phasing which meant no more alpha commands, no more pack meetings, no imprinting bullshit. It meant no more rules for me except the basic rules of common society.

I grabbed the pillow from the corner of the room where it had landed on and flung myself on the bed. Without the pack rules, I could be free. I could go to college in another city or state. I could leave the country and move to fucking Norway if I wanted. Or fuck them all, I could stay in La Push and do whatever the hell I wanted without having to second guess myself or think of anyone. Hell, Sam could ride Emily like she was Seabiscuit and I wouldn't give a shit because I was free to fall in love, free to move on! I could completely distance myself from their sappy bullshit. Jacob could take his alpha commands and shove them straight up his ass.

And that's how I fell asleep while thinking of all the possibilities. With half my body hanging off the bed and smiling into my pillow.

Fuck them all. I was on my way to being free.

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**I lolled at how some of you are siding with Jake while others are siding with Leah and some are remaining neutral while other are all like "WTF you changed point of view halfway and left me hanging!" Jeez, you guys are fantastic! Those reviews really make the writing worth it. **

**I got asked if I had heard the song Hush by Atomic LoveLetter because it reminds them of this fic. Sorry, I haven't and now I'm curious and as soon as I get the chance, I will listen, might serve as inspiration because I actually write with music playing.  
**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Going to bed in the late afternoon is a bad idea, especially if you have unresolved issues. It wasn't like I had even planned on going to sleep, it was just one of those things that happens and once you're there, you don't really care, so you continue whatever it was that you were doing. I had fallen asleep before the chickens and woke up sometime in the middle of the night to find myself fully clothed and partially hanging off the sides of the bed. What was I supposed to do then? Get up and wallow in misery, remind myself of what I lacked? I simply removed everything except my underwear, slipped under the covers and once again drifted off.

Problem was that I kept going back to the hug Jake had given me. He'd only meant it as comfort and my brain understood that much, but my heart on the other hand, the damned thing longed for more and kept it's hopes up for a repeat performance. No matter how hard the brain tried to talk sense into the heart, it wasn't having any of it. Lucky for me that my brain was in control most of the time, unlucky for me that once I fell asleep, the heart took over.

The next time I opened my eyes, the alarm clock on the nightstand read ten in the morning. Not a bad time to wake up on a Saturday, even if I'd slept over twelve hours. I got dressed, made the bed and stepped out the room to find Mom cleaning the house. Not having anything better to do myself, I helped her clean and do laundry. My mother was one of those people that loved to clean. Give her a dust cloth and a spray bottle and it might as well have been Christmas. Conversation was light and casual as we moved around, the topic of Charlie came up randomly on several occasions and nothing of real importance was discussed.

Towards three in the afternoon, you could have eaten off the floor and Mom left on a date with Charlie. Now that the cleaning was done, I wasn't on patrol, working, going to school or had any friends, my afternoon was so empty that it was frankly depressing. Since Mom and Charlie had left in his car, that meant I had the vehicle all to myself and I sure as hell wasn't going to sit in front of the television and waste away.

It took some effort and I had to basically tear my whole room apart, but I managed to not only put a decent looking outfit together, when I took in my reflection in the mirror, I looked like the original Leah, and not the thing I had become as of late. It felt good being back, sort of. I yanked a bag from the back of the closet, stuck a wallet inside it and grabbed the car keys as I was heading out the door. I wasn't exactly sure of where I was headed out to, but at the moment, anything away from La Push sounded good and I'd have time to figure my destination along the way.

The universe rejected and conspired against me for some reason I couldn't even begin to fathom. I had somehow offended the cosmos and it had grown to hate me; its own creation. I was fiddling with the car keys when I opened the front door and almost ran straight into none other than Sam Uley. If this wasn't a sign of the universe's abhorrence for me, I didn't know what would be. The big idiot just stood there staring at me like I was the last cupcake left on the tray and it only served to make my blood boil.

"What do you want?" It wasn't a question as much as it was a demand. Whatever he wanted, he'd better come up with it fast as I wasn't in the mood for bullshit today.

"I wanted to talk to you." his tone was gentle.

"Well, unless you're here selling Girl Scout cookies, I really don't have the time right now." I made to push past him but he stood his ground.

"We need to have a conversation about what happened at the beach."

"Look, as you can see, I'm sort of in a hurry. We're going to have to reschedule this conversation for possibly, next never?"

"You look nice, Lee. Where are you hea-"

He didn't get to finish his thought because Jake pulled up in his Rabbit and parked directly behind Sam's vehicle.

"Hey Lee!" Jake called as he got out the car and approached us. "Sam." he greeted him with a nod of the head before facing my direction. "You look really good. You ready to go?" he took a moment to glance me up and down before motioning towards his car.

I didn't know what was up with him or what delusions of grandeur had taken over him, but I was willing to play along as long as I didn't have to stand there and listen to Sam.

"Uh yeah." I smiled and maneuvered my way around Sam. "I guess I'll see you around?" I spoke as I walked towards the Rabbit with Jacob at my heels.

We were a quarter of a mile down the road when one of us finally spoke.

"Thanks for rescuing me back there."

"Sure, sure. That's what friends are for." He didn't take his eyes off the road.

"So, where were you headed when you decided to drop by?"

"I was headed to your house."

"My house? But you're all dressed up and you smell like you showered."

"Your point?" he questioned

"You look like you're going on a date."

"I am. Sort of. With a friend." he turned to me and smiled. "I was going to your house to ask you on a movie non-date. Worked out a lot better than I expected. It would have sucked if I had to go back home after I got dressed. Paul's there with Rachel." He furrowed his brow.

"Why?" I asked

"Because he'd never let it down, 'sides, it aggravates me to see them together."

"Not that, you idiot." I groaned. "Why'd you ask me out to the movies?" _Stupid heart, why do you need an answer?_

"Because there's a movie I really want to see?"

"Ok, why not Quil or Embry?" _Stupid brain, why do you need to rub it in?_

"Embry is grounded again and Quil is always broke."

"And you have money?"

"Yup. Fixed your mom's car two weeks ago and also gave it an oil change."

"An oil change? I don't see why Seth couldn't have done that."

"Your brother has, um, other interests."

"Is it that Jess girl?" I questioned. "I warned him yesterday. He needs to stay away from girls. One day he'll imprint and things will turn to shit if he doesn't watch it. Anyway, it feels great to be your third choice for a movie non-date. Specially being your third choice after two guys."

"Actually, you were my first choice. I thought you'd be bored and want to go out for a while but I was afraid you'd punch me if I just asked." he turned to me and grinned. "So, what about you."

"Huh?" I was lost as to what he was asking.

"The reason your brother needs to stay away from girls is because one day he'll imprint and someone might get hurt. So what about you. You planning on staying away from men?"

The thoughts from the day before re-entered my mind. Would I imprint or would I get imprinted on? Did imprinting apply to me at all?

"What the hell, Black? You wouldn't be interested in me, would you?"

"I would never even dream of forming a relationship with you. You'd imprint and leave me a broken guy." he gave me a huge grin. " 'Sides, you're the one interested in me. I've seen you ogle me a couple times, Clearwater." he added smugly before I balled up my fist and punched him in the arm. Hard.

"Wow Leah, you're really losing your touch. I hardly even felt that!" he guffawed.

"You're an asshole, Jake."

"And you're a harpy, girlie-wolf."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

The theater was packed to the brim. Even the seats closest to the screen had been filled but Jake had gotten us there early and used his large stature to push through the crowd and gotten us good seats right smack in the center of the theater where nobody would need to apologize for climbing over us in order to buy snacks or use the restroom. He'd even bought the tickets before asking for my company. I had to give it to the kid, he was good at this non-date thing.

The movie he'd chosen, an action packed spy flick with an extra hot protagonist and plenty of explosions, was pretty good. The protagonist never got his girl because he didn't need one. He didn't have a need for a sidekick either, it was just him against the world and he made out just fine. He was witty, sarcastic, straight to the point and beautifully efficient in a mind-blowing way. For the hour and a half it lasted, I forgot about every single one of my issues and just enjoyed the film.

At some point during the movie, I'd felt the undeniable sensation that Jake had been starring at me but when I glanced over, armed with a glare, he'd been actually staring at the screen instead. Once again, the brain and heart got into a battle of I told you so's, the brain telling the heart that it was unconsciously projecting it's feelings for Jacob and the heart counter arguing that the heart knows what the brain cannot understand and it knew Jake had been staring. Either way, both brain and heart could be damned to hell because my eyes and the rest of my body had taken over the situation and I used my whole arm to push Jake's off from the armrest he'd been hogging.

"Geez, Lee. You could have asked." he turned to me and muttered.

"Pfft." was all I replied as I took over the armrest and turned back to the screen.

I didn't really know why I always felt this need for hostility towards Jake. It just always happened, even when I didn't mean it to. Who was I kidding? I knew exactly why I was usually hostile towards him, it was because I had feelings for him and I didn't want him to find out. This always caused me to feel awkward around him, it made me feel unsure of how to act and I ended up over thinking things and reading into every single one of my actions. I was clearly exhibiting a form of kindergarten syndrome where you beat up the kid you like, steal their crayons, kick them on the shin, push them off the monkey bars or pull their hair. Pushing him away and getting caught in arguments was a lot easier to handle than it would be to get caught and have to sit through a discussion on why he didn't like me that way and the reasons why we couldn't be anything more than friends. And so I pushed his arm off the armrest, challenged him to races, called him an idiot, almighty alpha or anything abrasive that slipped into my head at any particular time.

.:

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.:

After the movie was over, I drove Leah straight home. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with her, because honestly, I did, but doing so would make it seem like we were on a date and I'd rather not deal with any sort of provocation. There was also the fact that it was night already and I had promised Nessie I'd visit today. If I lingered any longer, I'd only manage to get there after her bedtime.

As I drove back to Leah's house, I thought back to the multiplex when I'd almost been caught staring at her, managing to return my gaze to the screen only a fraction of a second before she'd turned to me. She must have known I'd been staring because when she did look at me, she had worn a scowl and afterwords pushed my arm off the armrest. I played it cool though and gave no indication I knew what was going on. It wasn't like I had willingly stared at her either. It felt more like a compulsion than anything else. I'd merely glanced over to see if she was enjoying the movie and had been caught off guard by the huge smile she wore. She looked amused and the happiness of her smile extended upwards to her eyes. The way the reflection of the screen made her skin glow, the way the specks of light flickered on her eyes and the way she chuckled, it all made it difficult to take my eyes off of her. I don't know for how long I sat there like a hypnotized moron. The instinct to kiss her was strong and relentless and the only things holding me back were the knowledge that I'd get clobbered in front of an audience and the fact that she was my beta and it would complicate things to a whole new level especially because the kiss had never been welcomed.

When we pulled up to her house I thanked her for accompanying me to the movies and watched her get out the car. As I put the car in reverse and backed out her driveway, it felt strange not walking her to her door. I'd walked Bella to her door many times before and we weren't dating, but then again, Bella did know that I had a thing for her and she did have feelings for me, even if she didn't want to admit them. But this was Leah and she was the complete opposite of Bella. Leah always spoke her mind and it was clear that she did not see me as anything but a leader and somewhat of a friend. Frankly, it sucked. Every day that went by, I thought of her more and more.

.:

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.:

I'd had a great day but as I began walking up the steps to my house, I began to feel sad and lonely. Once again, it would be just me by myself in front of the television. I found myself wishing that Jake would have stayed behind as even just channel surfing would have been fine as long as I wasn't alone. This being in a pack thing had really ruined my life.

I had absolutely no friends, not one. My pack felt like the kids you go to school with and share a class with, they are there and you talk to them, but that's about it. There isn't a real friendship or connection and I longed for someone to have conversations with and sit and talk about dumb things that made absolutely no sense. It would have been so nice to have a confidant. To walk into the house, grab the phone, talk to a friend and say "guess what? I just got back from going to the movies with Jacob Black!"

As I stood there looking out into the night, a tiny portion of me missed Emily. Before this whole shit started, we'd been close as sisters. There wasn't a single thing about each other that we didn't know and as kids, we'd stay up late gossiping about boys, our first kiss, prom dates, weddings and children. The burden of turning into wolves had destroyed our friendship, my relationship, her face, taken my father and annihilated my life. I loathed the Cullens and wished them away. Why couldn't they just pack their bags and leave us all the fuck alone. Why did Jake have to leave to visit the spawn while I stayed alone behind.

I jammed the key into the doorknob and fumbled with the wall looking for a light switch. The inside of the house was pitch black but I could hear a sudden stirring in the living room. Thinking it might have been a burglar or worse, Sam, I readied myself for a fight of epic proportions. Whatever it was, at least I wouldn't be alone and bored for a portion of the evening. Finding the light switch, I flipped on the ceiling light and was not prepared for the visual assault in front of me.

There, on the couch and plain as day to see, sat my little brother fully clothed and with a pillow clutched over his lap while a tall girl with long, jet black hair attempted to fix her bra under her partially unbuttoned shirt. Had I not been shocked out of my mind, I'd have phased on the spot, but being as I was, I stood there gawking like a deer caught in headlights. I couldn't even find enough body control to force my mouth shut. This was just as bad as the time I'd caught Mom and Dad together in the shower. No. Actually, it was a lot worse because back then, I didn't know what Mom and Dad had been doing together in the shower besides bathing and this time I was fully aware of what had been going on on that living room couch.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead so hard that I'd probably chafed my skin. I couldn't find the proper words or actions to express my shock and disdain and I silently prayed that nobody would say anything stupid enough that would cause me to phase. So I stood there and silently rubbed my forehead hoping that if I rubbed hard and long enough, I could wipe out all memories and images of this moment from my head. When that didn't work, I simply turned around, walked back outside, got into the car and drove off.

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**So, not what you expected, huh.**

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	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

I left La Push, drove past Forks and got on the highway. I needed to clear my mind. What I didn't need was to get aggravated by pedestrians, stop signs and traffic lights. Turning on the radio, I switched stations till I found one to fit my mood, then I cranked up the sound as far as I could without blowing out the speakers and drove so fast that if the car had wings, it would take off. I sang at the top of my lungs along with the most demonic of songs as I beat out the rhythm on the steering wheel and cursed like a sailor at every happy, stupid song that came on. I drove past exits, bridges and signs while belting out notes and vocalizing the lyrics I knew and resorting to harmonizing when I didn't know the words.

I drove on and on while thinking of my little brother and the visual assault I had suffered. I just wasn't ready for Seth to be sexual in any shape, way or form. It had never even crossed my mind that he was ready for that kind of stuff. He most likely had a porn stash somewhere in the house and the hard drive on his computer would probably make grown men cry but it had never occurred to me the type of things he might be doing when he was alone in his room.

The image of him holding the sofa cushion against his crotch to hide an erection had burned itself into my head and I wanted nothing more than to jab something into my ears and drain my brains out. And then the girl trying to replace her bra, that really pissed me off. They were too young for this shit. For fucks sake, she barely had any breasts, she was probably wearing a training bra. What the hell was wrong with kids today!

From now on I was driving him to school and picking him up in the afternoon. I'd make it a mission to be mean to any girls that he got too serious with. Dates here and there would be fine but the moment things started changing I'd bitch those girls out of existence. He was too young, dammit. He shouldn't be getting his parts handled by other people.

And oh my fucking god, what the hell was wrong with me? Why was I getting this worked up over it? I'd always been protective of Seth but wasn't this taking it a bit too far? First I tell him to stay away from girls, then I get pissed at even the suggestion he might have a girl and now I was planning on turning my little brother into a forty year old virgin. Way to go, Leah! There was a fine line between protecting someone and keeping them away from the world. The way I was going, I'd probably want to lock Seth in the house and only allow him into the outside if I got to put him inside a huge hamster ball.

The gas meter on the car had lit the red light indicating the tank was empty and so I got off the highway and stopped at the first gas station I found. I filled the tank and went into the station's shop to get something to drink when I noticed the boxes behind the register.

"Will that be all?"

"No, I'll take a box of condoms."

"Which ones?" the guy asked while chewing gum in a manner that resembled a goat chewing on grass.

"Extra sensitive lubricated." I replied without missing a beat as I slapped a twenty bill on the counter.

I drove all the way back home thinking about the three count pack of condoms inside my bag, feeling dirty, perverted and gross. I could not believe I was buying condoms for my little brother. Hell, I didn't even have an idea of how I was going to give them to him.

By the time I pulled up into our driveway, it was past one in the morning. I got out of the car and slammed the door behind me not only in signal that I was still mad, but also to let it be known that I was around and did not want to be subjected to anymore visual assaults. I walked into the house and headed straight for the kitchen where I found a note from Mom on the fridge. She'd left me food in the fridge.

_As if I could eat._

What had been such a good day had suddenly turned into a night of torment and I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and pass out unconscious but it wasn't meant to be. I spent the remainder of the night tossing and turning in bed as I tried in vain to fall asleep. In the few occasions when I was able to doze off, I was plagued by nightmares of people having sex. There was Sam and Emily, Seth and Jess, Jacob and Bella, Mom and Charlie. Grandpa and Grandma?

_Oh for god's sake!_

I tossed the covers over the side of the bed and sat up only to realize that it was morning already and the sun was streaming in through my windows. _A sunny day. Imagine that. _I got out of bed, showered, dressed warm and left the house on a mission.

It was midmorning by the time I reached Jacob's garage and found that it was packed, literally. Embry, Quil, Jacob and even Paul were there talking about things I knew nothing about, not because I didn't have a Y chromosome, but simply because I didn't give a shit about what made cars run as long as they got me to where I was headed.

"Good morning." I called as I stood at the entrance and was rewarded with the sound of metal tools crashing on the ground.

"Well, if it isn't number two! How nice of you to make an appearance." Paul joked.

"Don't call me number two, you jerk-off."

"Hey, Leah. Nice and cheery as always, I see."

"Wouldn't want to disappoint you, Embry." I glanced in his direction. "Mommy let you out the house?"

"I'm good till next patrol." He smirked, "Speaking of which, when are you go-"

"What's going on, Leah." Jacob interrupted from under the car he was working on.

"Nothing much." I sighed looking for a place to park and settled on standing. "I just came to ask for a favor."

"Your mom's car?" All I could see of him was his bottom half, but I wasn't complaining.

"Nope."

"Then?"

"It's not really for me, it's for Seth."

I should have known something was up because at that moment, the grease shack went silent and Jacob rolled himself out from under the vehicle.

"Seth?"

"Uh, yeah." I suddenly felt uneasy. "We're one big, happy family, right?"

"I don't like where this is going." Quil whispered to Embry who jabbed him on the ribs.

"You're all like brothers, right?" I looked at Embry who swallowed hard. "So I need you guys to give Seth some brotherly advice."

"Uh, what?" Quil asked, "I don't think I follow."

"I want one of you guys to give him, the um, the you know, talk?"

"NO." They all spoke in unison.

"What? All of you say no at the same time now? You sharing a brain or something?"

Jacob rolled his eyes, laid down and rolled himself back under the vehicle.

"Oh come on! I found him last night making out with a girl." My comment was met with whistles and cheers of encouragement which only served to tick me off. "It's not fucking funny. I don't want him getting into trouble, he's just a kid, you assholes, and Dad's gone!"

"Why don't you get Sam to do it?" Paul offered and I wanted to smack him upside the head.

"Hell no! No. No way." I shook my head.

"Why not? He's the oldest and most experienced." Embry noted.

"I beg to differ." Paul interjected. "He's the oldest but I'm the most experienced."

"You're with my sister, you jerk!" Jacob called from under the car.

"Yeah, but before your sis-"

"That's it. OUT! Get out my garage!" Jacob rolled back from under the car and gave Paul a menacing look.

"Hey, I'm just saying." Paul leaned back and folded his arms over his head. "Anyway, why not Sam?"

"Because he and I were together, moron. I don't want him putting images into Seth's head."

"Ok, fine, I'll do it." he shrugged.

"Yeah, on second thought, I don't want you talking to Seth either, Paul."

"And why not?" his question was followed by a series of snorts and guffaws from every other guy in the room.

"Fine, then have one of the three virgins over here give him a talk." he snorted.

"Excuse me," Embry looked uncomfortable on the worn out couch. "I might be inexperienced, but I am not a virgin. Remember that girl from Mu-"

"What the fuck is this, band camp?" I snapped.

"Fine." Paul smirked. "That one is inexperienced." he rolled his eyes. "But the other two belong to the never-touched-a-boobie club.

Jacob's face went red with furry as he first ordered and then dragged Paul out of the garage.

"Hey, it's not Quil's fault he imprinted on a toddler!" Embry tried to show his friend some support.

"Honestly, Leah, I don't think any of us feel comfortable with the amount of responsibility you're asking of us." Jake walked back into the garage with red splotches on his cheeks. "Maybe you can ask Charlie?"

"What?" My eyes opened wide, "I can't ask Charlie! He'll probably break out some disgusting venereal disease movies from down at the station and traumatize Seth! God only knows what he said that could have traumatized Bella into marrying a bloodsucker. " On second thought, maybe Charlie was the appropriate person to give my brother the talk. Then again, Charlie was doing my mom and that was traumatizing enough.

I couldn't believe that my mom was going at it with one of my dad's best friends. _Wait. Hold on a minute. _My dad was gone, so shouldn't it be appropriate for one of his best friends to step in and help guide Seth through life? Wouldn't Dad have wanted it that way?

I swiftly turned on my heels and made my way out the garage. "Is your dad awake yet, Jake?"

"I guess." he called behind me. "Why? OH!" realization suddenly hit him.

Yup, I was going to get Billy Black to give Seth Clearwater _the talk_.

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	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

"Hey Billy." Seth walked into the Black's kitchen to find some soda and bring it back to the garage.

"Morning, Seth." Billy rolled his chair into the kitchen, "How's your mom?"

"Still with Charlie, I guess." he got two six packs from the fridge.

"Why don't you have a seat so we can have a talk."

"Have a talk?" Seth sat and hoped it was nothing serious like Charlie knocking up Sue. That would seriously piss him off.

"Well, son, I'm not going to beat around the bush, this is going to get awkward. I'm going to give you the sex talk."

The sex talk? Seth's head hit the table with a loud thud.

"It's ok, I gave it to Jacob and he's alive and well."

"Jacob's a virgin." he groaned without lifting his head from the table.

"Son, around this house we don't ask, we don't tell. Now, moving on."

Seth grunted and lifted his head of the table allowing it to once more land on the wood with a loud thud.

"I know that at school they have taught you the basics: penis, sperm, vagina, uterus, egg, menstrual cycle, you know, biology. I'm here to talk to you about real life and common sense."

The pup could feel his ears begin to burn.

"How old are you now? Doesn't matter. I'm sure you've been whacking off for years now."

"Oh God!"

"No, no, that's very good. Practice makes perfect, just like phasing, it takes a while to get the hang of it and not lose it, if you know what I mean. Working on control will help you in the future and make your girl a lot happier."

"This is just beyond weird."

"Now, while on the subject of losing it, nobody has absolute control all the time, that's why you need to wear a condom. They call it baby batter for a reason and it makes for a sticky situation, you don't want to get mixed up in all that baby business before you're ready."

_Was he seriously calling it baby batter?_

"Some girls, they just don't lubricate that well and I know you're going to want to use whatever you can get your hands on for lube, but condoms break when not used correctly, once again we're back in a sticky situation. Butter, mayonnaise, olive oil, vaseline, hand lotion and baby oil all work when jerking off, but they will make a condom disintegrate. When it comes to condoms and lubrication, the only things that work are your girl's natural lube, some spit or buying lube. Some girls don't like it when you spit like a llama so you'll find out that the best lube is lube. Buy some, they have many varieties right next to the condom section."

"Are we done?" Seth tried getting up.

"No. Sit" he gestured, "I'm sure you've watched many a porn but remember, porn is porn and those girls aren't real, if you know what I'm saying. Don't try anything you see there at home or you might end up in the hospital, or jail, depending on what genre you've been watching."

"Could this get any worse?"

"Remember what I told you about practice and control makes perfect. Don't be discouraged because you can't make your girl happy at first. Just keep trying, ask what works for her, remember to always use a condom. Stay away from skanks and hoes. Sure it might seem like a good idea at the time, but do me a favor and Google Image genital herpes when you get home."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"And now we're on the subject of hand jobs and blow jobs..."

"What? Ok, this is too much. I honestly have to go. See you around, Billy." Or not.

"Hold it right there, son. I'm not done." Billy rolled after Seth and rammed his shin with the wheelchair. "If you're not man enough to handle the talk, then you would do better to stay away from the tacos and just stick to squeezing your burrito. Anyway, here."

He tossed a tiny box in Seth's direction and only when he'd caught it, did he realize it was a box of condoms. A three pack, extra sensitive, lubricated. He'd had enough embarrassments for a day and walked through the kitchen, down the living room and out the front door.

"Hey Seth, where's our drinks?" Jacob called as he walked into the kitchen, catching a glimpse of Seth whom was scurrying out the front door. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing, we were just having a little talk."

Jacob groaned, "Not the talk."

Billy rolled himself back into the living room and parked in front of the television.

"You tried to talk like we do, didn't you."

"You know I'm down with you kids."

"And you told him to google pictures of genital herpes..."

"It's the only way you kids learn."

"Yeah, Dad. Nice." Jake shook his head as he walked out the door.

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**There's more to this chapter than meets the eye, but you'll find out in the next two chapters unless you figure it out before then. The next chapters are written (in pen and paper). If the weather permits (big storm tonight, might not have electricity) I'll get to posting another chapter tomorrow.**

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	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

When I left the Black's house, I was both disturbed and in a state of utter confusion. Not only had his little talk come out of nowhere, it had left me mortified and demoralized as well. How old was Billy anyway and why did he feel he needed to fit in among us? This was certainly not the Billy that told stories at the bonfires. That Billy was proud, respected, wise, and a man of authority but the guy in the kitchen was a clown, a fool, an old man trying to fit in amongst people not even half his age.

As I walked, I thought back on the things I'd been forced to hear in that kitchen. Butter? I'd heard of buttering the corn cob but this was ridiculous. Who the hell in their right mind would go for butter? And then after all that spewing of idiocy he'd had the audacity to tell me that if I wasn't man enough to handle the tacos to stick to squeezing my burrito instead? And then he gave me condoms? And this, this was our chief? My alpha's dad?

I walked down the beach with my hands shoved deep into my pockets, my fingers crushing the pack of condoms while I kicked invisible objects on the sand. All I wanted was to phase and run but I was so aggravated and embarrassed that I didn't even have the guts to phase and risk anybody viewing that shameful moment in the kitchen. I could go home and lock myself in my room but then I'd risk running into Leah and I'd already suffered through an inconvenient moment thanks to her.

What was it with people anyway? I had absolutely no privacy anymore. The moment I phased everybody knew anything and everything going on with Jess. I went to school and got interrogated by people. I came home and my sister walked into a making out session and as if that wasn't enough, now Billy Black had to stick his nose in too. So now I was here walking on an empty beach in the middle of winter because I had nowhere else to go to in order to clear my head. As I continued on, I came across a lonely set of footprints and I looked up to find Sam walking ahead of me. He too had his hands shoved deep inside his pockets and seemed to be kicking shadowy objects. I jogged and caught up to him.

"Sup." his gaze seemed lost.

"Not much, you?"

"Taking a walk, clearing my mind." He looked up at the sky and exhaled, "Been having a shit day."

"Tell me about it." I groaned. "Billy Black just gave me the talk."

"He did?" He seemed vaguely amused.

"Yeah and he tried to act all like he's _in _and all cool but instead it was all beyond weird and wrong!"

"Was it?" Sam turned to me and laughed.

"Pfft, yeah!"

"Why would Billy give you the talk?"

"Maybe he found out that I've been going out with Jess." I shrugged, "Old people love to gossip."

"Maybe he felt advice would come in handy. He is the chief, he probably felt it was his duty to guide you."

"Guide me? He even managed to bring in burritos and tacos into the mix! It was horrible! Besides, he isn't my dad, he doesn't need to guide me."

"He probably meant no harm. What'd he tell you, put on a condom? Don't get caught? He was best friends with your dad and he's probably trying to watch out for you like he does for Jacob. You should feel at least a little bit of pride that he's willing to watch out for you. Some of us don't get that chance..."

"You're talking about Embry." _Or himself_. Embry and him were the only two who didn't really have their dad's present in their life.

"Maybe." he scratched his head. "He's just trying to watch out for you. He's been there. We've all been there. I know that you understand that you need to control yourself but it's not the same when you're there with a girl, specially if you're really into her and you care about her too. At that moment, it's really difficult to maintain control. Not just for you, but it's the same for her too. It all starts innocently enough and then things build themselves up to a point where it's virtually impossible to stop. Eventually we all get there. It happens so many times that you lose track of the number of occasions where it's happened, but you need to grab a hold of yourself and think ahead, think of the consequences."

I was quiet as we continued walking down the beach.

"You especially, have to be extra careful. You might imprint and then again, you might not. It doesn't happen to all of us. Still, you always have to keep it in mind because you just don't want to put a girl you care about into a very bad position."

"Like you did to my sister." I spit out.

"Worse." he looked at me and furrowed his brow. "Imagine leaving a girl pregnant because you imprinted on somebody else. Imagine someone growing up like Embry and not knowing who his father is."

"I would never do that."

"I'm not saying you would or will. I'm saying to take things slow and be careful. You don't want to wake up one day and find out you made a horrible mistake. I'm not saying to stay away from girls, because that's just not realistic, I'm saying be careful not to turn into someone like my dad."

I couldn't even believe he was telling me I would turn into his dad. We'd all heard the stories and rumors or his conquests. Everyone knew that Embry was probably Sam's brother and the fact that his fur had black spots when he phased didn't help much either. Then again, Embry could be Billy's and that would be even worse. Suddenly the thing about being careful made much more sense.

"You think I don't know the gossip that goes on?" Sam continued. "I'm fully aware. I also hear the whispering that goes on when they see me with Emily. And I remember being the talk of the town when I was with Leah. My dad's reputation has always preceded me. Now more than ever."

We walked in silence for a while and I wondered if this was the reason he was having a shit day.

"I never, ever wanted to do to Leah what I did." he broke the silence. "I thought I'd be with her forever. I promised her I'd never hurt her or leave her behind. I loved her with all my heart and I still love her. Every time I look her in the eyes I feel like shit and wish there was some way I could make it up to her. And then I look at what I did to Emily. I didn't mean to do that either, yet I did."

He stopped walking and stared out into the sea before turning to where I stood.

"Sex isn't just about blowing your load. Specially for us shape-shifters. There'll be many girls and you'll have plenty of time and opportunities to experiment. Play the field, just be careful and be responsible. That's all I'm saying and probably what Billy tried to say."

He bent down and came back up with a shell that he stared at before tossing it far out into the water.

"I have to go. Promised Emily I'd fix some things today..."

I continued walking down the beach. "Think about it, kid." I heard him call out behind me.

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**Congratulations to bvc17 who managed to figure out this chapter before it was posted. You didn't hack into my computer, did you? ^^**

**There's also more to this chapter than meets the eye. When the next chapter comes out, you'll figure out what I mean.**

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	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Heaven smiled above me as I sat on the hood of Mom's car enjoying the warm sunrays the sky offered me in the mini-mart's parking lot. It was cold outside but the hood of the car was still toasty from the ride around town and when you mixed that with warm sunshine and layered clothing, it wasn't that bad out here and thus I sat there basking in the sunlight while I ate a chili-dog. Sam strode into the parking lot and headed directly towards my vehicle.

"Did you talk to him?" I asked while readying the dog for another bite.

"Yeah."

"How did he react?" I sipped from my green tea. Just because I was eating crap didn't mean I had to drink crap too.

"I think he took it well."

"Well? Well what did you say, exactly."

"I guess the same things I would tell my son if I had one."

I almost choked on my own spit. He knew exactly what to say to dig the knife a little deeper into me. If Sam had never imprinted, he and I would probably be having this conversation twenty years into the future.

"You ok?" he patted me on the back and I pulled away.

"Yeah." I cleared my throat and pushed myself off the car. "Thanks for talking to him."

"Now you need to hold your end of the bargain."

"I will."

"When?"

"When I'm more sort of in the mood." I got into the car and drove away.

.:

It's strange how things work out. When I had walked into Billy's kitchen and asked him to give Seth the talk, Billy had sat me down instead and given me my very own talk. The way he spoke to me, the things he said, he reminded me so much of my dad and though it saddened me, it also made me feel good in a way. He spoke to me in a manner which was not condescending or patronizing in any form. We conversed about Mom and Charlie, Sam, Seth, Emily and my place in the pack. He never judged and only interrupted to add information I had been lacking or simply chosen to ignore.

When I finally asked him to have a talk with Seth, he informed me of the way in which he'd had that same talk with his son, which was in fact, the same way his father had the conversation with him. They had tricked the offspring into a game of good cop/bad cop. The father would take the road of making the conversation as awkward, ridiculous and embarrassing as possible. Afterwards, somebody else would fly in to the rescue and use a much tamer, thought out approach but the second talk would only be perceived as tolerable if the disaster stemming from the first talk was successful. I couldn't help but be fascinated by Billy's game of psychological warfare and as I sat there in awe, it occurred to me to ask whom had given Jacob the actual talk. "Your dad." His answer had been simple.

Fate. Destiny. I hated the concepts but couldn't help but notice how the wheel of fortune had spun. Dad had given Jacob the talk and now Billy would be taking Dad's place in guiding Seth. I could feel a knot form at the back of my throat but Billy made no effort to soothe me, instead, he kept the conversation moving. He had asked whom would be taking up the other role in Seth's guidance and I had shrugged. The only other person I could think of was Charlie but I considered him as inept for the job as a clown in a surgery room so he'd nominated Sam along with a list of reasons. Armed with no counter arguments against Sam other than the grudge I still held against him, I had agreed to rope him into our little cognitive games and handed Billy the pack of condoms for Seth.

When I left the Black's home, I was armed with the knowledge of what I had to do. Sam had tried in vain to talk tome the day before and I knew that the conversation between he and I would need to take place sooner or later. If I had that conversation with him now, I'd not only clear up the whole kiss thing, I'd get him to talk to Seth as well. I'd get to set two things in the right path in a single try. True, I thought of talking to Sam as an inconvenience, but peace of mind always came at a price.

I met Sam by the beach because it was the place any of us ever went to when we wanted to think. The ocean and the cliffs had always been the pack's common ground even when we weren't a pack. Every single one of us eventually went there with the excuse we wanted to be alone and to seek solace and it always happened that we'd stumble into someone else claiming to be doing the same thing. So I went there, sat, waited, and eventually walked around when it got too cold to sit still. It seemed like I was there forever, growing increasingly frustrated when nobody showed up and I was about to leave when I spotted him walking onto the sandy shore.

He walked with his head down as he played with something between his hands. For a second I asked myself why he wasn't with Emily but I quickly pushed that thought out of my mind. As he approached, I stood my ground and waited for him to notice me. When he did, he probably thought I was going to leave but I sat down instead and watched as he made his way towards me.

"Are you waiting for Jacob?" he now stood in front of me.

"I was waiting for you." I looked up at him and used my hand to shield my eyes from the sun. "I know you wanted to talk yesterday but I was sort of in a hurry."

"Yeah, I could see that." he sounded irritated, "What's going on between you and Jacob."

"Not that it's any of your business but nothing is going on between us. He's Alpha and last time I checked I was still Beta. We were bored and went out. Do you also interrogate Quil and Embry when they go out together?

"Forget I asked." He pinched the bridge of his nose and sat down beside me, "I wanted to talk to you about us but it seems every time we touch on the subject we just get off on the wrong foot."

"Maybe because there's just no us to talk about, Sam." I smirked.

"Yes there is, Leah and there was that kiss to prove it."

"You've got to be kidding me." I was incredulous. "I kissed you to piss you off. It wasn't even a kiss. I merely pressed my lips on yours. You on the other hand rammed your tongue down my throat."

"You didn't complain."

"I also didn't kiss you back." I interjected. "Look, Sam. I honestly don't feel anything for you anymore. I don't dream of you, I don't think of you, when I see you absolutely nothing goes through my head except displeasure at what I'm about to be subjected to. If it wasn't because you guys continue to force me to be a constant part of your lives, if I didn't have to share a brain with you when I phased, I'd be completely over this by now but you guys just don't allow me to move on!"

He was silent for a while and made circles on the sand if front of him. Each sphere crossing into the path of the other before looping around the next. As he made circles, he let out a sigh before he spoke again.

"When Jacob carried you out of the lake, I felt a part of me die, it just disappeared. I can't even find the right words to describe the type of anguish I felt at that moment. When I hurt Emily, I felt hatred and fear like I've never felt before but when I saw your limp body... when you were lifeless on the ground, the skin around your mouth blue, I've never felt so desolate in my life."

He went to reach for my hand and I quickly withdrew it.

"Everything you said to me the other day, absolutely every part of it was true. I'm still not over you and I probably never will be because you haunt me. We had the perfect relationship and it fell apart suddenly, right at the climax. There was no climb down, no resolution. It simply vanished at the summit. Maybe the elders and their stories aren't right, imprinting is not the same for everyone. Emily is supposed to be my world and everything that's around it but fact of the matter is that you're still in that world. I still love you but it's a love I can't act upon. Maybe that's why I kept trying to keep you close by..."

Sam brought his legs up and rested his elbows on his knees as he ran both hands through his head before wiping them down his face.

"You were my first in every aspect and I meant every promise I ever made to you. Lee, you have to believe me when I tell you that I fought it. Emily fought it too. I've let you down in so many ways. I broke every single promise I made you and the worse part is that I never, ever in life thought I would or ever meant to do so. I've failed you in so many ways and I feel ashamed. Even back at the lake when we were trying to bring you back to life, I even failed you then. It was Jacob that succeeded in the end. He didn't give up when I did. He found the strength to go on when I couldn't anymore."

I was now doing the last thing I ever wanted to do in front of him, I broke down in tears and once the tears started it was impossible to stop them from escaping. Once again he reached for me and I pulled away.

"When I look at Emily's face and then when I look into your eyes and see that mix of hatred and pain... every day I get punished and the torment never gets any easier. Then you tried to kill yourself and I know that I'm partly to blame for whatever drove you to this."

He was quiet once again and I didn't know whether he was waiting for me to speak or to hit him or what he was waiting for but we sat in silence for a while, the sound of the crashing waves and the wind were the only things that could be heard until he spoke again.

"My imprinting, maybe it was a blessing in the end. You could have ended wearing Emily's face. My father's reputation would have always come into play and our kids would always wonder if Embry was their uncle or even how many of the Makahs were their relatives."

With tears staining my face, I digested every single word he'd said. I knew him well enough to recognize that he was being sincere and meant everything he'd spoken. I also knew it hadn't been easy for him to say them. He'd been obviously busy stirring his own pot of unresolved emotions. I also understood that this conversation was meant to bring some sort of closure to our relationship. Closure that had not been attained before because he was trying to deal with phasing into a wolf and had nobody to guide him. He'd broken up with me then and I was blindly trying to rebuild the relationship. After that, he'd imprinted on Emily and it was something I couldn't understand. Then I too phased and was assaulted with his thoughts until I left his pack. It seemed that up to this very moment, closure had always been far way, but now I had a deeper understanding and was relieved to move on.

"I'm sorry, Leah. I'm so sorry. I wish I could turn back time and explain things then. I wish I could make you understand or at the very least, I wish there was some way to make it all up to you."

"There is." I spoke as I wiped the tears from my face and explained to him the situation with Seth and asked for him to talk to my brother after Billy played his part.

"You protect him too much. You've got to let him learn from his own mistakes."

"No. Learning from your own mistakes is diving into the deep end of the pool in order to show off and then scaring the shit out of yourself when you can't keep afloat and start swallowing water. Learning from your mistakes is when you pick on a kid twice your size and he knocks you down on your ass on the playground. Learning from your mistakes is skateboarding down a ramp and landing on your head. Getting someone pregnant or catching a disease because you're ignorant is not an opportunity for learning from your own mistakes."

"He's not your kid, Leah. Let your mom handle it."

"Mom lost Dad and is now starting to piece her life back together. She's dating Charlie and is finally happy again. She deserves to be happy without having to worry about me or Seth for a while."

"You didn't think about that when you threw yourself into the la-"

"Are you going to help me or not?

"On one condition..."

.:

I played with the buttons on the car's dashboard while I drove. After the condition had been established and the talk had been given, I drove home thinking of the day's events and how things had played themselves out. All that was left to do now was to mentally prepare myself to carry out my part of the bargain.

The things I did for my little brother.

* * *

**There you go guys. Billy and Sam's talk were both planned to be the exact opposite of each other. That's what I was hinting in the previous chapters. I like how some of you are picking up on where I'm taking this story. I'm having fun!**

**I keep getting Blackwater requests. Hold on guys, Leah has things to do! Unless you want me to just drop everything, have Leah throw her hands in the air and scream "Fuck this shit!" then run to Jacob's house and rape him. Twice. But that's SO NOT this story. Or this Leah. **

**Maybe. **

**Because I do plan on her doing something really ooc and then being all WTF, but I wonder if it's going to include Jacob or even in which chapter that's going to be... wanna guess?**

**Uh oh! **

**Reviews?**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

The house was empty when I got home and remained the same as I stood in the kitchen drinking a glass of water and taking in my surroundings. It sucked walking into an empty house. Not that long ago, this place was buzzing with life. Mom would have been in the kitchen and Dad would be sitting at the dining room table chatting with her as she cooked. At around this time Seth was usually either over at the Black's chasing after Jake, trying desperately to get his attention or in our living room playing with his game console, the volume so loud that Dad would threaten to throw the damned thing out. I would have had the phone glued to my ear as I chatted up and down the house, talking about Sam or what so and so had said about so and so. Then the Cullens came and now this place was deflated, abandoned, depleted of life and activity. It was just me with my internal monologue as company. This place was so barren that not even spirits would bother haunting it.

I set the glass on the countertop and looked out the window. Outside, the winter winds were howling, forcing the naked trees to move back and forth, their bony fingers scratching the black clouds that strode across the already darkening sky. Inside, everything was mute and stagnant, stale. Having a purpose and a drive had kept my day going, it had kept me strong but now that I was alone with no purpose and no aim, sadness once again washed over me. Watching the tress bend, I wondered where Seth was right now, was he with Jess? Was Jared at Kim's? Quil at Claire's? Mom at Charlie's? Jacob at Bella's?

Everyone had someone, everyone except me. There were even rumors that Billy had a new lady friend. I wanted someone of my own as well. I wanted it so bad that I wasn't even asking for a romantic relationship, all I wanted was a friend. Was that too much to ask for? A damned friend? The burning in my nose heralded the approaching of tears and I cursed myself for having the sort of temperament that drove people away. I was so lonely that for a second I even contemplated phasing in order to hear anybody's thoughts but my own.

In a couple of minutes I had managed to bore myself into a depression. If I could only find a way to stop the thoughts from coming I knew I'd be fine. Going through a list of possibilities, I ruled out sleeping knowing that it was too early to try and sleep and that going to bed would only give me more time to think. There wasn't anything in this house to read except school textbooks and even those were in Seth's room and I wasn't going to walk in there. Television might offer some sort of entertainment but I refused to watch any reality programming and I now also shunned the couch and it's erection-hiding cushion. Without expired cough syrup and allergy medication my future held many nights of craptacular magnitude.

My little flashback over a glass of water had given me an idea and I walked over to the television set and switched in on. Rummaging around with wires and plugs, I found the connection I was looking for and turned on Seth's gaming console. Grabbing the guitar controller and swinging its strap over one shoulder I readied myself for a night of Guitar Loner; this house had no heroes. As I started to play, the colored markers began their journey down the note highway and within ten notes, the marker had dropped below the red section and I automatically got booed off the stage.

_Way to go, Leah._

Twice more the same thing happened and I quickly became angry. Just what the hell level was this game on anyway? I fiddled around with the screen only to realize that I was trying to play in expert mode a game I had never played before.

_Way to go, Einstein._

Once more, I readied myself for the game and began playing the colored notes on the fret board in time with the music. I was trying my damned hardest and failing miserably and the more I failed, the angrier I became. Pretty soon I was going to mash the controller against a piece of furniture in a very classic, rock star move. Just picturing the pieces of plastic propelling across the room made me itch with intent and I was actually considering carrying out my actions when I heard a soft knock at the door. I turned my head to see who had interrupted me but quickly found that it was already dark outside, meaning that whomever was outside could see me but I couldn't see them.

As a child I'd always have a nightmare in which I turned to look out a dark window and as I approached the glass pane and glanced out, I'd meet a pair of strange eyes peering back in. I always awoke screaming and Dad always soothed me back to sleep. Now I was a grown woman and I still dreaded the damned windows when it was dark outside and thus I stood there, staring stupidly from where I stood with a tiny, plastic guitar glued to my hands.

"It's me, Jake." I heard the muffled voice from the other side of the door and before I could react, he'd allowed himself in. "You should really try locking your doors." he walked into the living room.

I could have made some sort of remark but didn't simply because I was thankful it wasn't the local psycho or peeping tom. Had it been one, I highly doubted my plastic guitar would have made a good weapon.

"What are you doing here?" I asked turning back to the screen. "Patrolling with Seth tonight? He isn't here, you know."

"Nope." he sat on the couch behind me. "Just dropping by."

"Because?" I held down the fret buttons and hit the strumming bar.

"Can't the Alpha visit his Beta?"

"Crap!" I had missed two colored markers and got so infuriated that about six more of them just swished by me. "This game sucks!" I hissed as I continued with my attempts and simply ignored Jake sitting behind me, who probably leaning against the now identified erection-hiding cushion. _I'm going to burn that thing_.

"You know, Leah, it's become apparent that you're comfortable around me when we're wolves but when we're human, you just don't like me very much. Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"Humph." Was all I replied as I kept my attention on the nerve wracking game. Just two minutes ago I had been crying because I wanted company and now that I had it, I had suddenly decided it needed to be shooed away. Yup. Kindergarten syndrome was here to stay.

"So... Sam and Jared have patrol today. When can I put you back on the schedule?"

The question made me jump and my fingers grew stiff. All of a sudden they belonged to a hand other than my own and thus wouldn't answer my commands.

"I'm not ready..." I had a hard time finding my voice.

"Ok, let me know when you are." I could hear him shift on the couch behind me and I suddenly felt a pang of sadness because he was leaving. First I was moping because I was alone, then company came and I wanted it to leave and now it was leaving and I wanted it to stay. I might not have been clear about many things in life but it was entirely clear that I was one serious basket case.

The shifting behind me stopped and I suddenly felt like I had my entire body backed up against a hot furnace. A large russet hand appeared from behind me on my left side and wrapped itself around the neck of the guitar controller. "It's easier if you play in Career Mode." His voice came from above me as he pressed his fingers into the buttons and changed the image on the screen. "Also, if you stick to the first level, you only need to focus on the first three fret buttons." He continued pressing the buttons and choosing options on the screen. "There." he let go of the controller neck, "Now you have to concentrate on less amounts of notes to play."

I literally turned into a statue. I couldn't move. I was petrified and in a dazed state. The heat emanating from his body penetrated my clothing and washed me in delicious warmth as he pressed the buttons on the controller. _God! _He remained behind me waiting for god knows what, but my brain refused to function. My whole body was confused without the brain's orders and the heart was quickly taking over. I stood there like an unmoving idiot, unsure of what to do next and heavily considering just leaning back into him if only to steal his heat.

.:

* * *

.:

I had worked in my garage all day and being surrounded by the guys almost made it feel like the good old days before we had turned into protectors. Towards late afternoon just before the sun began to set, everyone started making their excuses and leaving to be with their imprints except Embry who had to report himself home or risk getting punished once again. I finished working on the White's car and was contemplating spending the rest of my evening vegetating in front of the television set except that I had the nagging thought of Leah in my head.

Lately, it seemed like she had packed her bags and just decided to permanently move into one of the apartments in my brain. I couldn't understand why my thoughts constantly drifted in her direction but it was obvious that I missed her presence and I missed her the most when I phased and patrolled. When I did my rounds close to the Cullens, all my thoughts went in her direction and I reminisced on the conversations we'd had, on how we helped each other out, the playful banter and I even thought about the time we went hunting deer and she couldn't stomach her food until I interceded.

Instead of following my original plan of loafing in front of the television while I consumed everything in the house, I decided to take a shower and see if she was home. The need to see her was so strong that for a moment I considered just showing up in my greasy state, but I remembered how she had commented on my cleanliness the day before, so I washed and changed before heading over.

Now as I sat on her couch, I felt irked by the fact that she was ignoring me for a stupid game she couldn't even play. Why was it that when we were phased and hearing each other's thoughts, she was fine around me but when we were human, all the walls went up and she was always ready for an argument.

"Crap! This game sucks!"

"You know, Leah, it's become apparent that you're comfortable around me when we're wolves but when we're human, you just don't like me very much. Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"Humph." That was all she answered. Great. All I was receiving now was indifference.

"So... Sam and Jared have patrol today. When can I put you back on the schedule?"

"I'm not ready..." her answer seemed hesitant and I didn't want to push her even though I was itching to have her back on patrols with me. When she continued attempting to play the game and went on ignoring me, I felt more than frustrated and the more she failed at the game, the more aggravated I became so I stood up and sent my arm around her to grab the control. I pushed the buttons and changed the options on the screen while telling her what I was doing, hoping that it would keep her from turning around and pushing me away. It felt good being close to her and truth be told, I wanted to wrap my arms around her and just not let go.

As I stood there, so close to her body, I couldn't help but notice how much smaller she was than me. How much more frail she seemed since that day at the lake. It was as if Leah turned into different people as time went by. There was the pre-phasing Leah who was the prettiest girl in town, there was phased Leah whom was a force to be reckoned with, and there was this Leah who seemed softer, fragile, more delicate and whom I had the constant urge to be around and protect. When I had stood behind her, she had visibly stiffened up and it saddened me that my close proximity to her made her so uncomfortable when it had the exact opposite effect on me.

"Aren't you going to play?" I inquired.

"I don't like that song."

"If you don't play that one, you can't unlock the other songs in the rest of the game." I explained.

"Humph." was all I got as she started playing and even though it was the easiest song, she kept missing the notes.

"Gee, Leah, I hope you don't plan on music as a career choice." I spread my legs wide to bring myself closer to her height. "It's not hard, really." I leaned my chest onto her back while once again extending my arm around her and grabbing the controller's neck with my left hand while reaching my right hand over her other side and unto the strumming bar. "Here." I reset the song and when the colored markers began making their way down, I pressed my fingers on top of her own in order to hit the notes.

And that's when I noticed that something was terribly wrong.

"Leah, your hands are cold."

* * *

**Uh oh!**

**\(0.0)/**


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

"Leah, your hands are cold."

She visibly stiffened at my remark before she made an attempt to continue playing but I knew she was trying to play it cool. Something was definitely up. I wrapped my whole hand around hers to double check it's temperature and straightened myself up when I got confirmation.

"What it is going on?" I questioned her but received no answer other than an irritated switch in her posture.

.:

* * *

.:

_Shit! Piss! Fuck! Dick! What do I do? What do I say? Think, Leah. Think! Do I tell him the truth? Do I run into my room and lock myself in? Do I climb out the window?_ I removed my hand from under his own and waved it in the air as if I had just been burned and then cracked my knuckles before once again grabbing hold of the guitar.

"My hands are fine. Not everyone is as hot as you." _Whoa, that came out wrong_.

"You think I'm hot. Nice."

"Yeah, dream on." I turned around and smirked while I leaned my head towards the screen, "Now which button did you push to reset?

"Stop trying to deviate." he grabbed both my hands when I was facing him, "Why are your hands cold, they are not supposed to be cold."

"And just how would you know what temperature my hands are supposed to have?"

"We all have high body temperatures."

"And like I said before, maybe not all of us have temperatures as high as yours." I tried to take my hands back but he refused to let go.

"Lee, what's going on here?"

"Fine. I wanted to keep it a secret but I went to visit the Cullens and the spawn bit me. Side effect." I shrugged.

"Fail. Nessie bites me all the time, she's not poisonous. 'Sides, your hands are not cool to the touch , Lee, they are cold, freezing. They're almost as cold as Be-"

"Do NOT compare me to your leech." I hissed and pulled my hands back with such force that my body twisted backwards. I was filled with a sudden need to foam at the mouth caused by not only the anger of being compared to that walking corpse but because I now had the knowledge that he allowed the tiny bloodsucker to bite him. I was now angry and the jealousy within me was so strong that I was close to rage, so close in fact that I was taking quick, shallow breaths and felt that familiar tingle at my spine. _Fuck, I don't want to phase! Not now. Not ever. Breathe. Relax. Breathe! One, two, three, four..._

"What the hell, Leah!" Jacob's tone completely changed and I was caught off guard as he grabbed both my arms and pulled them towards him before he jerked up the sleeves on my sweater. "You're bruised!"

Now I was officially fucked. I tugged at my arms but he wouldn't let go. His hands were strong, callused and searing hot on my flesh as he brought himself closer to inspect my bruising. "Who did this to you." His tone was harsh and impatient. "Was it Sam?"

"No!" I tugged at my arms trying to set them free but he refused to let go. "You're hurting me!"

"Then who bruised you!" he commanded. Now it was him on the brink of rage. I could feel his body vibrate and I was suddenly afraid for myself. I was sure that if he phased here and while holding me, I'd end up with a fate worse than Emily's; I'd be scarred, barren, broken and alone for the rest of my life. "It was HIM, wasn't it! It was him, he was here when I came to pick you up..."

"Yes, it was HIM!" I struggled against Jake, "AND IT WAS YOU TOO!" he let me go abruptly and I backed myself away from him while maneuvering around the couch. "You and him both," my voice shook with fear, "when you skipped school and found me at the beach, you forced your fingers into the very same spots he had already bruised."

"I... I did that to you?" he furrowed his brow.

"Even right now, you..." I trailed off not wanting to irate him further.

"The beach, it was days ago!"

"Almost four days ago." I added from where I stood on the other side of the couch.

"I bruised your hands by holding on to you?" he insisted.

"Jake," Since my brain had purposed to abandon me and the heart had taken over, I decided it was now or never. "I haven't phased in twenty-five days. My body is... I mean... it's why my hands are cold."

"You're turning back." I could hear the sadness in his voice. "You're not going to phase back, are you." It wasn't a question and he stood there with his fists clamped at his side and I stood behind the couch, using it as a barrier in case he lost control. His facial features changed as he looked at me and I didn't know what he was feeling but somehow I understood that whatever it was, it wasn't anger and I wasn't in physical danger.

"No. I'm not." I shook my head and ran my palm over the back of the sofa as another type of fear washed over me. "I told you once that as soon as I could, I'd stop phasing and wanted to go back to school. Please Jake," I walked over to him and pushed my head back so I could look up at his face, "please don't alpha command me into phasing, PLEASE." I finally broke down and allowed the hot tears to flow. "Please!" I sobbed and was immediately crushed onto his chest.

He held me there, not talking, unmoving, only the rise and fall of his breaths and the beating of his heart interrupted my sobs. His voice boomed from deep inside his chest the next time he spoke. "I won't. I would never." He kept both his arms tight around me as I in turn wrapped my own around him. "I never wanted to give you a command in the first place but I was afraid of you hurting yourself, I didn't want to lose you." His chest jumped slightly as he let out a sigh, "Seems like I'm losing you right now, though, doesn't it."

I couldn't wrap my thoughts around the words he was saying. I couldn't comprehend because I was too wrapped up in his heat, his aroma, his strength. His arms around me were crushing but I did not care. His voice felt like loudspeakers against my ears and every word he spoke rattled in his chest. "Back at the Cullen's we were getting along fine and I've missed having you around...I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't know what was going on. I wasn't aware I could hurt you just by holding on."

"You're talking like we're never going see each other again." I removed an arm from around him in order to wipe away my tears.

"You're not comfortable around me anymore." he began to explain, "I thought that once you went back to phasing, that then the awkwardness would end but now you don't want to phase anymore..." he trailed off and I began to cry again.

"I'm so lonely, Jake!" I confessed while pressing my head deeper into his chest, "Please be my friend."

I felt stupid the instant I said it.

* * *

**La la la!**

**Haven't even touched the next chapter. So if I have one ready tomorrow, it's going to be posted late. Now push the green button and review me! ^^**


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

"I'm so lonely, Jake!" I confessed while pressing my head deeper into his chest, "Please be my friend."

I felt stupid the instant I said it and then I felt even more stupid when I felt his whole body convulse as he laughed.

"Seriously? Did you just? You haven't been paying attention to anything I've said." He held me tighter and I thought at any moment I'd hear one of my ribs snap. "I liked that we were getting close and I want to stay that way. I AM your friend. If you want I'll only show up when phased, that way you'll feel comfortable around me. You can talk all you want and I'll just snort, whine and yip in reply. I'll even wag my tail."

I couldn't help but laugh because I knew he was the type that would go ahead and do something like that too. The tears stopped coming and now that the cat was out of the bag, I felt instant relief washing over me. I wouldn't have to hide anymore. I was free to do whatever I wanted. Go to school, get a job, get a boyfriend.

_A boyfriend._

I inhaled deeply filling my lungs with Jake's aroma. He smelled good. So good. It wasn't like forest or pinecones, or grass, rain, wild mushrooms or anything you could pinpoint or come up with. He simply smelled like Jake and I wished I could bottle this fragrance and sprits it on my sheets at night before I headed to sleep and then again on myself in the mornings when I got out of bed. He was manly and strong, comfortable and hot and oh my god I think he just cracked my back.

"Uh, sorry about that." I felt his hot breath on the top of my head. "I sort of forgot and..."

"That's ok." I smiled sheepishly as I pulled back and rearranged myself. I must have looked a mess and didn't want anyone coming back home and wondering what the hell was going on.

"So does this mean I can stay?" he gave me his best Jacob smile and I swear my heart skipped a couple beats.

"Of course." I smiled as well, "Want something to eat?"

"Sure. Paul eats everything at our house and I can't say anything because Rachel will have a fit."

He followed me into the kitchen where I began rummaging through the fridge and cabinets looking for something I could just throw together and that would still be somewhat edible.

"I'm sorry I hurt you." he spoke softly as he leaned up against the stove.

"It's ok, Jake. I'm fine. Really." I didn't look at him and instead busied myself with a jar of tomatoes.

"Does he know?" he spoke again.

"Sam? No. I haven't told anyone but you."

"Eventually you'll have to tell the council and the rest of the pack."

"Eventually, yes."

"So what now."

"What do you mean?" I asked maneuvering past him to dig between the items in the freezer.

"Now that you won't be busy with patrols, what will you do now?"

"I'm not sure yet." I pulled a bag containing frozen vegetables and tossed it into the sink. "I have to check my bank account and see how much money I have. Maybe I'll take a couple classes at the community college and get a part time waitressing."

"You wouldn't last a shift." he grinned. "Somebody would go back home wearing their food."

"I wasn't always snarky or harpy, you know." I waved a wooden spoon in front of his face. "I used to be nice once. I just have to get back in touch with that side of me. Besides, during tourist season we get a lot of people in the area. I could make good tips or maybe even imprint."

"Imprint? I thought we both agreed that imprinting was another way to have your choices taken away from you."

"I don't know anymore." I shrugged and moved him out of the way to get to the stove. "Maybe I just want a guy who thinks I am his world. Relationships are hard and need a lot of work but when you imprint, BAM!" I slapped the pot on the stove. "All work is removed from the equation. I could look like shit and he'd still think I was beautiful. I could beat him upside the head and treat him like a dog and he'd still come back crawling to me for more."

"Except that he's not the one imprinting, meaning that your whole theory needs to be turned around. 'Sides, how can you imprint when you're not a wolf anymore."

"Imprinting is not really clear, from what I've spoken with Sam."

.:

* * *

.:

Sam. Sam. Sam. Everything in her world eventually went back to Sam.

"You two been talking?" I tried to sound casual about it but what I really wanted to ask was what they were doing together, why she allowed him to touch her, did they really need to talk or was it just an excuse to go and make-out somewhere.

"He explained things to me and it made me feel better."

"Things?" I asked yet another question.

"Imprinting." she moved around in the kitchen. "It seems it's not really like we've been told. Imprinting seems to be personal and a different experience from one wolf to the other, not a generic experience like we thought."

"Oh come on." I was getting jealous. "We've been inside Jared, Paul and Quil's heads. We know what it's like. What did HE tell you?"

"He's not over me." she mumbled and I could have run out into the night, found Sam and shredded his throat.

"WHAT?!" _Whoa, easy there Jake. _Just because I wanted to kill Sam, didn't mean she had to know.

"Well, maybe when you imprint it's not all about just that person. Maybe all that mattered to you doesn't just go away or disappear... at least not for everyone."

"Is he trying to get back with you?" It slipped. It wasn't any of my business and I shouldn't have asked but I couldn't help myself. I didn't want Leah with him. Matter of fact, I didn't want her anywhere near him and it irritated me to think that they had been swapping spit again. Where as I was getting jealous before, I was full-on jealous now and I didn't care if it showed.

"Sam getting back with me? What? No! What is it with you two all of a sudden. He asks about you and you ask about him."

"He asks about me?" I couldn't help feeling smug. He asked about me because he felt his place in Leah's world was threatened by me.

"He thinks something's going on between us." she said it in a tone that made it seem like it would be utterly ridiculous and it served to aggravate me further.

"And what did you say?"

"Nothing really."

"Good, let him think there is."

"But there isn't."

"But what if there was? Would it be so wrong and would it be any of his business?

"But there can't be."

"Why not? I'm a guy, you're a girl. Why couldn't we be together if we wanted to?"

"It's complicated."

"Only if you want to make it complicated."

"Imprinting makes it complicated, Jake."

"Why? Imprinting is supposed to be rare. Not everyone imprints." The more she went against it, the more I defended my stance.

"How rare can it be when out of the original pack members, half have imprinted? And on locals, no less."

"Jared's was a fluke. All the others were just chance."

"Really? Sam on Emily, Quil on Emily's niece, Paul on your sister? Start throwing lines around and we'll make up a huge, happy, family spider web. Have Rebecca visit and don't be surprised if Embry imprints on her!"

"If it meant getting rid of Paul, I wouldn't mind having Embry as a brother."

"Careful what you wish for." She filled a cup with water and tipped it into the pot. "Besides, it is said that imprinting happens the first time you've seen that person after you've phased. Nobody said anything about it not happening if you stop phasing."

She was right, this whole thing was complicated and the thought of her imprinting on some random tourist or anyone else for that matter, made my stomach churn. Suddenly, I wasn't that hungry anymore.

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**Guys, so far I've been pretty consistent about posting a chapter every day but it seems like this week it just might not happen. Today I was awakened in the middle of the night by a banging headache and now I have a fever. My eyes burn and staring at the computer screen just makes them hurt on top of burn. I hope you guys understand and don't send me hate-mail if I can't update. \(T_T)/ Also, please drop some cold medication in the mail for me. Preferably the non-drowsy type, oh, and tissues. Lots and lots of tissues!**

**And again, Thanks for the awesome reviews. I haven't taken my shower today, so I don't know what to write for the next chapter. But don't worry, it will come. Eventually. If I shower.  
**

**Lala \( *_ T)/**


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

The alarm went off at eight thirty in the morning and I slapped it twice before turning on the other side and smooshing my head into the pillow. I was so comfortable lying in my favorite mattress dent, the pillow so soft and the blankets so toasty; too bad I wasn't the least bit sleepy. Last night I had the best sleep in a long time. There had been no nightmares, no weird dreams and nothing to constantly cry over, just a nice sense of ... of what exactly? What word could I use to describe how I felt? Comfortable? Accomplished? Safe? Wanted?

I brought the covers over my head and wrapped myself in a dark cocoon. I still couldn't believe I had asked Jacob Black to be my friend, and damn it to hell and back, I knew I was going to beat myself up over it for a long time to come. But what the hell, desperate times called for desperate measures and I was so desperate for company that I'd even considered phasing back, if that wasn't a sign of mental instability, nothing was. Besides, he had been relieved, right? He wanted to be my friend too, he'd said so himself. And he was confused about the whole thing because I had confused him with my kindergarten syndrome. Plus he was right, I _was_ more comfortable around him when we phased rather than when we weren't.

When we were wolves most our thoughts went to finding trails, hunting and coming up with strategies. His thoughts often had trailed to Bella this, Bella that, Nessie ooh-aw, Bella, Bella, Bella. Sure, it bothered me but it also kept my mind busy and away from my own thoughts. When we were human I had no idea what he was thinking about and it annoyed me because here I was drooling over him and I constantly had to ask myself whether he was thinking of the cave mushroom and her nefarious spawn.

Ok, so I knew I couldn't have Jacob Black the way I wanted to have him but that didn't mean I would be happy if someone else had him. It was kind of like that outrageously expensive pair of red croc Jimmi Choo stilettos in the shop window. You wanted them so bad but you knew you couldn't shell out a couple hundred for them. They pinched, scraped, hurt and you had nowhere to wear them to but the moment the blond went and bought them, you wished she'd step onto a cobbled sidewalk and sprain both her ankles.

"Break a leg, Keekee!" I mocked while throwing the covers off me and stepping out from the bed.

Today I had a full day ahead of me and I was very much looking forward to it. Yesterday I'd finally exorcised my head of Sam, gotten my brother some advice, gained a proper friend and achieved major piece of mind. Today a new chapter of my life would begin and I'd get to make my own choices. I was Leah Clearwater, 98.5 F or 36.9 C if you will, degrees of pure awesomeness and ready to go.

* * *

Now it was late afternoon and I sat with Mom and Seth enjoying dinner. It felt so nice to be able to have this moment with them, the contrast between it and coming home to an empty house the day before was startling. Seth wolfed down his meal and seemed in high spirits, so what else was new. I was sure that if they took the kid's hormones and marketed them, we'd have a whole new wave of antidepressants and everybody would simply bounce around with a constant smile splattered on their face. I remembered when Jacob used to be this way.

"_Argh, friggin Jake!" _I smashed the last peas on the plate between the teeth of my fork.

Constantly in my head, the guy. How long was I going to keep torturing myself this way? I knew the only way to push him out would be to find someone else to take his spot. Hopefully it would happen soon.

"_God I want to be sandwiched between his arms again."_

And no, I friggin did not just admit that to myself. It was alright to miss his company but it was not alright to be lusting after him. No way. I did miss him though. I'd been seeing him every day for the past four or five days, give or take. Hadn't seen him today though. But it was a Monday, and he did have school. Senior year, he'd soon graduate, _if _he graduated.

I took my plate to the sink and helped Mom with the dishes while Seth cleared the table. She was off to meet Charlie and Seth was off to do _homework_ with Jess while I was off to, nothing. I was going to be here, stuck by myself, with the t.v. and I refused to sit on that couch. It had offended me with its cushions and its enabling personality.

"Where you going, hon?"

"I'm stuffed, just going for a short walk." I wiped my hands on the dishtowel. "Great dinner, Mom. Thanks." And I gave her a tight hug.

"Are you ok?" she quizzed me.

"I honestly am." I smiled and went into my room to grab a coat and some boots.

Stepping out the back door, I went into the woods behind the house and followed my usual trail. During summer, this place would be stuffed with life and you could barely take a step without having some sort of leaf or branch smack you in the face but now in winter, the view was completely clear and the only thing you had to watch out for was that you didn't step on something rotten that would cause you to slip and fall. I made a sharp right and stepped onto another trail. Had I made a left instead, the road would lead to the beach and the cliffs but this path lead to a small clearing where I sometimes used to lay and stare at the stars above.

I fixed my scarf and tucked my hands deep into my coat pockets as I walked. Probably a bad idea seeing that without any hands to break my fall, if I slipped I'd land ass first into the ground and I'd probably hit my head as well. The air was fresh and crisp as I walked carefully watching where I set my foot when I heard a low rumbling growl behind me. I froze.

The grumbling continued, it was loud and deep, coming from directly behind me. It was as if my heart had decided to abandon ship and my knees felt cold like I'd just knelt on ice. My brain too had bailed out leaving nothing but my guts to consider my options and the possibilities. A growl followed by a menacing snarl brought me back to attention and I slowly removed my hands from the coat pockets and turned around to meet my aggressor: a horse-sized russet wolf crouched in a menacing pose.

"Son of a bitch!" I somehow found my voice buried deep amongst the chicken shit.

Jake just straightened up and let his tongue roll out the side of his mouth.

"YOU SCARED ME, YOU ASSHOLE!" I grabbed the closest object to me and flung it his way. He ducked but the dead branch still bounced off his back while I bent down and picked up another one to throw. "YOU STUPID JERK-OFF, NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!" I flung and missed before turning around and continuing on my way. Jake just tagged along.

Twice I slipped on rotten leaves but managed to keep my balance. I tucked my hands back into the coat pockets and continued walking in search of my clearing. I hadn't been there since forever but when I found it, it remained untouched by the hands of time. The clearing wasn't a meadow per se, it was a tiny patch of grass between a mishap circle of trees and with a boulder on one side. When I'd had my first boyfriend, we used to sneak out here for heavy kissing sessions.

I smiled and sighed at the memory while I lowered myself down and leaned back against the boulder. Jacob silently circled and then plopped down beside me.

"You don't have to do this, you know." I smiled while looking at him. "I'm perfectly fine with you as a person."

He wagged his tail but didn't phase back and instead dragged himself a little closer to me, resting his head on the ground between his huge paws.

"You seem to have this dog thing down." I laughed and rolled my eyes. "You know, we always wanted a dog when we were kids but Dad always refused and Mom always complained that she would not put up with the shedding. It would have been ironic huh, phasing into a giant dog when you've been screaming at your own dog for years."

He remained unmoving except for his eyes which he brought up slightly to look at me and then blinked and looked away.

"A Siberian Husky would have been cool."

Jake lifted his head, scooted closer to me and then surprisingly dropped his head onto my lap. By the time I noticed I was petting his head, I just couldn't bring myself to stop. It was nice having a dog that actually understood when you spoke to it. _Whoa. Did I just call Jake my dog? _I let out a chuckle and he wagged his tail. This whole thing was beyond weird in every way.

"You know, Jake. Your head is kind of big, even for a horse-sized wolf shape-shifter spirit warrior thing whatever the hell we are." I scratched behind his ears and heard him grunt as he got his head more comfortable on my lap. "You also do kinda smell a bit like wet dog." I chuckled and softly pulled on one of his ears and he let out a snort sound.

I sighed and looked up at the gray sky while I petted my wolf man-dog. Yes, MY, because right now it was just me and him in the winter silence. It was turning colder now but I remained nice and warm as I combed my fingers between Jake's red course fur. Funny how I was apprehensive of touching Jake when he was a person but have him morph into a furry creature and I was all over him. It was such a girly reaction too. Anything appearing soft and furry automatically got petted.

"So, I got a job today." I moved my hand further down his head onto his neck and back. "I start as hostess tomorrow at Michael's Seafood and Steakhouse in Port Angeles. Shift starts a little before four in the afternoon and I get out before eleven at night. It's only three days a week, but it's a start and Mom is going to let me borrow her car until I get one of my own."

Jake wagged his tail and let out a yip before turning on his side. I now had access to the bottom of his muzzle even though he was facing away from me and I moved my fingers up and down the soft, downy fur there.

"I also enrolled in Peninsula College. Taking two classes, Math and Biology because I don't know what I want to study yet. Keeping my options open, you know?" God, how was it that he could be so soft? It wasn't like he brushed and conditioned. The image of mini-leech brushing his hair crept into my mind and now I did not feel like petting Jake anymore so I removed my hand and crossed it over my chest. No, I did not want to share Jake. Not even with a bloodsucking toddler or whatever she was now. I couldn't keep up with the hybrid's growth spurts and stages nor did I give a damn.

"Anyway, I only have to go there two times a week and it will be on the same days I work, meaning I'll be saving myself a couple trips. They have automotive classes too, did you know? Just in case you actually manage to graduate this year and want to do something..." Jake lifted his head and let out a sigh before plopping his giant head back onto my lap and rubbing it up and down. I looked down at him and scrunched my eyebrows together. What the hell was he doing?

Once again he lifted his head and this time he rubbed his snout into my arms with a sort of whine. "What's that, Lassie? Timmy fell down a well?" I mock asked and he lifted his paw and laid it on my lap before dropping his head. Maybe he wanted to be petted? I dropped my hand on his head and he wagged his tail. Once again, this was beyond weird and since I didn't feel like talking anymore, I just sat there and laced my fingers through his fur over and over again. Surprisingly, he didn't shed.

I remained in a trance-like state for what must have been hours. A huge drop of icy cold water landed square on my nose and brought me back to reality. By the time I came to, it was already getting dark and I could barely see. Far from being turned off by this new change in me, I was actually excited. I was one more step closer to being a normal person. What had been a single drop of water on my nose, suddenly turned into an assault of icy proportions that I was not physically prepared for.

The rain picked up and I wondered how the hell I was going to make it back home now but I didn't even have time to form the question when Jake was up and on all fours yipping and looking my way.

"God, Jake. I can't understand whatever the hell you're trying to say." I groaned standing up and hugging the coat tighter around me.

He lowered his front end and lifted his butt in the air and I still had no clue what in heaven's name he wanted. "What, you're stretching your back? It hurts? You want to play fetch? I don't get it!" I began walking out of the clearing and into the trees where it was suddenly very dark. Next to me, Jake whined and yipped and it was getting annoying.

"Look, you might as well phase and talk because this just isn't working." I groaned and Jake slammed his shoulder into me and viciously knocked me out from my feet and onto his back. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" I slapped him twice before regaining my stance on solid ground.

Once again, he slammed into me and I ended up sprawled across his back. He turned to me with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth and wagged his tail.

"You've got to be kidding me." I moaned straightening myself up and planting my feet on the ground. The icy rain was picking up again and hard granules started whacking me on the face.

Jake whined.

"No." I fixed my scarf and rearranged my coat. "NO! No way, Jose! I am not going back home riding on your back! Just lead me along like a guide dog or something."

I wrapped my fingers over a bunch of his fur and made way but unfortunately, when you can't see where you're going, you can't see what your obstacles are and I tripped. Having had enough of my stubbornness, Jake slammed into me again and growled.

"Fine!" I let out an exasperated sigh and he dropped onto his belly while I lifted my leg and crawled over him. "This has got to be on the top ten list of weird shit I've done in my life." I moaned and he let out a bark. "Jerk." I could feel his butt move under me as he wagged his tail. "If you tell anyone about this, I'll have you neutered."

Jake yipped and began a soft strut down the path back to my house as I straddled him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Leah Clearwater, 98.5 F or 36.9 C if you will, degrees of pure awesomeness, riding bare wolf-back down the forest.

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**Hi! Still sick. I'll spare you all the gross details. Just be glad you can't hear me cough! **

**Reviews would be great. Thank you for sticking with me!**


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

"_It's been three days since I last rode Jacob. Saw! I meant three days since I last **SAW** Jacob." _I mentally reprimanded myself. What the hell was wrong with me. And who was I kidding. "_I RODE Jacob. There, I said it."_ I rolled over onto my other side and remained in bed. I had ridden him like a pony at the fair. Except there was no saddle or stirrups or anything to hang on to and I was not a kid. I had held in place with my thighs then leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck for balance. He had walked slow enough that I didn't fall off yet quick enough that I wouldn't get soaked in the freezing rain. "_It was a nice ride._" Agh! There I went again. I was a dirty, disgusting, sick and generally gross person because when I said nice, I meant NICE in not a nice way. I meant it in a tingly sensation sort of way.

"Ugh!" I pulled the pillow from under my head and smashed it over my face. This was wrong, so wrong in so many different levels and I was eternally grateful that I wasn't phasing because if he could read my thoughts he'd probably run away to the Cullen's and never come back. The constant rhythmic movement of his body under my own had woken up parts of me that had lied dormant for a very, very long time. Even thinking about the ride got them working again. "No." I mumbled into the pillow. "No. No. No. Got back to sleep, dammit. I'll get us a boyfriend in Port Angeles, a proper one, closer to our age." I spoke to my lady bits.

_Port Angeles. _

I removed the pillow from my face and turned to look at the clock. I had to work today and before work I had class. The drive from La Push to Port Angeles was long and I had to get out bed, shower, dress and there was still that matter with Sam that I hadn't taken care of. With a deep sigh and a series of grunts and grumbles, I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom.

From where I stood in the shower, I could see the blue, dusty box of tampons on the shelf. Twenty-eight days. I'd gone twenty-eight days without phasing and still had no period. While shampooing my hair, I asked myself why I felt the constant need to beat myself up over it. Absence of a period did not necessarily mean infertility and having a period did not guarantee fertility. So many other factor were involved and came into play that it was hard to keep track of things. Still, bleeding every month would give me hope that my organs were working. Perhaps they weren't even working properly but it didn't matter as long as they worked and gave me one more thing in common with normal girls. I tried to push it all out of my mind and I brought a foot up and rested it on the side of the tub in order to shave my legs.

***

I got lost twice on the way to the auditorium where my Biology class would meet. It was amazing that I could find my way through the forest yet I'd get hopelessly lost by making a wrong left turn at the snack machines. Even though I got there with plenty of time to spare, I was still apparently late as only a couple seats remained empty and all were on the very dreaded front row.

"Hi, do you mind?"

"No, go right ahead." I gathered my bag so he could get through.

"Biology, right? Class before this, I sat there fifteen minutes before I figured out I was in the wrong classroom."

"Awkward." I cringed.

"Chyeah, I know." he turned around and gave a quick glance around the room before returning to me. "So, what's your major?"

"Don't know yet."

"Exploring your options, eh. I'm going for a BAS in Management."

"Sounds productive."

"Well, it is what you come to community college for. You don't really come here to major in Anthropology." and he was right. This was merely a stepping stone for something bigger. I just hadn't figured out my end goal or how big it was. "So, if you had nothing to hold you back, which school would you chose?"

"Hmm, I don't know. Oxford? You?"

"M.I.T. Why Oxford?" he brought out a black battered notebook that was held together by a huge rubber band. Inside it was filled with unlined pages and he began to draw with expert skill.

"Because it's halfway around the world. Why M.I.T?"

"Because it's fucking M.I.T." he laughed. "I'm Brennan, by the way." he stopped drawing to give me his hand.

"Leah."

"Ok, Leah. You and I will be official lab partners."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing."

"Good, definitely good." he smiled as he drew a pair of very realistic looking greyhounds racing down the page.

"Welcome to Biology 201L, Anatomy and Physiology." A tall, thin man wearing Dockers and a plaid shirt walked into the auditorium. "We will be studying the structure and function of the human body, its tissues, integumentary, skeletal, muscular and nervous system." He dug through the pockets of his soft briefcase and went to write on the board. "I hope you have read the four first chapters of the text because today we will begin on Chapter Five: The Tissue Level of Organization."

Great. First day of class and I was already five chapters behind.

***

It was my second day at work and after class, I visited the lavatories and quickly dressed for my shift. Changing clothing in a bathroom stall is not pretty and far from idyllic, but it was either this or coming to class wearing a short, black dress and high heels.

My job as hostess was simple and basically consisted of greeting people as they walked into the restaurant, asking their name and crossing it off the list before walking them to their table, handing them their menu and informing them that their waiter would be with them shortly. Basically, all I had to do was sound pleasant and smile a lot. Piece of cake.

Or so I thought.

Three hours into my shift and I was sick of smiling and repeating the same lines over and over: "Good evening, welcome to Michael's, do you have a reservation? Your name? Right this way, please. Your waiter will be with you shortly. Enjoy your meal."

It wasn't even the repeating the same line over that was getting to me. It was actually people's looks. To be honest, it had been a long time since I had socialized with anyone that wasn't either a century old vampire or a teenage werewolf that ran around half naked and skipped baths. Now I was surrounded by people that used complete sentences to speak of current events that did not involve bloodsucking or treaties and that marinated in perfume before leaving their homes. I felt out of place and strange as if I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was overtly aware that sometimes I was covered in fur and ran on all fours through the woods chasing sentient beings and tearing them apart when I caught them. In the back of my mind I worried that somebody would point out that I smelled like an old dog.

Halfway through the shift, I went through the kitchen and to the back room in order to take my thirty minute break.

"Why are people staring at me?" I huffed as I lowered myself onto a chair and sprawled my arms across the table.

"You're kidding me." One of the waitresses on break spoke with a mouthful of buttered bread.

"No?" I looked at her pleading an answer.

"It's because you look like a model." another waitress sat down and helped herself to some bread.

"Michael only hires hot girls as hostesses and you look like Pocahontas or Sacajawea or something."

"Yeah, if they worked for the fashion industry. I'm Kelsey, by the way and she's Abigail."

"I'm Leah."

"Oh, we've heard."

"All day." Abigail added while filling her mouth with bread. "Busboys that were here the other day. Wouldn't shut up about you." she motioned with a twirl of her finger.

"So you model?"

"Eh, no."

"How tall are you?" Kelsey continued with her round of interrogations.

"I don't actually know."

"You should try it. You can make big money and you have that exotic thing working for you."

"You know what you should actually try? The bread. Made fresh all day long. Best thing ever. I've gained like ten pounds since I started working here." Abigail commented, but gaining ten pounds or not, it wasn't stopping her from stuffing herself full of it.

Armed with the knowledge that I was one hot piece of ass, I got back to my being pleasant and smiling routine. I wasn't dumb and knew that flirting went a long way or at least far enough that I could make up the money I just spent on that biology book. It felt good being back in the real world and surrounded by normal people. Things were looking forward and each day I got closer and closer to getting back to the old me.

_**

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**Ok, KeiKatJones made me blow a snot bubble from laughing. That's gross, I know, but it was also hysterical. \( ^.^ )/**

**aadarshinah, you got the right thoughts going alright, those were my intentions. Glad you read into them! \( -.0 )/**

**The site is acting up. *glares* And I am SO NOT in a good mood. Rawr! .  
**

**Guys, a reminder that these characters will not always act like the characters from the book or will follow the storyline from the book. It should have been obvious from the very first chapter that they are ooc. Just a heads up because things will be said and done, stuff will happen and I don't want any moaning. There's no moaning or spitballs allowed in this vehicle! I'm giving the heads up with plenty of time so you can decide whether this story is for you or not. I am not S.M. nor do I try to be, I merely twist her characters to my liking.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

Getting out from work before eleven did not mean being home before midnight. Sure, I stopped working before eleven but then the tips were gathered, counted and a portion of them went to me and the busboys. By the time I walked out of the restaurant, it was close to half past eleven and by the time I made the long drive home, well, I swear I made half the drive while sleeping. When I actually made it home I was too tired for anything, including a shower, so I merely stripped and went to sleep smelling like shrimp and stale cologne.

It was close to one in the afternoon by the time I opened my eyes and decided to drag myself out of bed while taking the stinking sheets with me and tossing them into the washer. After a long shower and a glass of juice, I gathered all my courage and went to take care of my end of Sam's bargain.

I felt relief when I pulled up to Emily's and Sam's vehicle wasn't there. His presence would have made this five times as hard as it already was and I'd already lost track of how long I had put this day off. I didn't even make it to the front step when Emily flung her front door open and greeted me with an apprehensive smile. I wanted to do nothing more than run back into my car and drive away, but a deal was a deal so I clung to my bag and keys for dear life and forced myself to walk past Emily and through the door.

_This could turn ugly._

"Please have a seat." Emily motioned. "Can I get you anything? Did you have lunch?"

"Um, no thanks. I'm fine." I glanced around the room and clung to the keys in my hand, fumbling them back and forth around the metal ring. "About the other day at the beach..."

"It's ok. You don't have to say anything. Sam already explained everything to me."

A sigh escaped my lungs but it wasn't a sigh of relief, it was more of a snort as I guessed at what he would have told her. I already knew that Jared was under the belief that Sam and I had been frenching. I also knew that the false information had spread like wildfire and I'd done nothing to set the record straight.

"You sure you don't want anything? You guys are always hungry so I always have the house packed with food."

"No, I'm fine." In reality I was starved but at the same time felt so uncomfortable sitting there that I hadn't even allowed my back to touch the couch, much less could I think of food.

"Well then, let's cut to the chase, shall we?" Emily sat on the loveseat's armrest. "I asked Sam to ask you here because we both agreed that I owe you an apology."

I choked on my own spit. Literally. Sam and her, owed me, an apology. This was hard to digest. I had wanted an apology for a long time, knew I deserved it but felt I would never get it and when it was finally offered, it caught me by complete and utter surprise.

"Sam told me that you kissed him." Yeah, it figured he would tell her that. "And he also told me that he kissed you back and you didn't respond. He explained a lot of things to me that I already sort of knew but didn't want to believe. I'm sorry I lost my temper."

I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for offering to even out the sides of her face but it would have been a lie. I had very much meant it at that moment even if I didn't mean it now.

"Sam still has feelings for you." She fidgeted with the ring on her hand. "They're just a bit different than the ones he feels for me. I guessed that much by the way he looked at you and how uncomfortable he acted around you. I've just never reproached him or brought it up because I know I have no right to do so."

Emily looked as uncomfortable as I felt but I needed to hear what she had to say. Sitting there at that moment, I knew that I would always regret it if I just stood up and left. The what ifs would drive me crazy.

"That time that I came to visit... if I'd known then what I know now, I would have moved away to the other side of the country."

"You could have. You had the chance." I couldn't hold the thought in.

"I tried to go away, Leah. I tried fighting it, I tried rejecting him and supporting you. I honestly did but there came a point when I just couldn't fight it anymore. It's extremely difficult to stay away from someone that's turned into everything you ever wanted."

"Even when that someone belongs to someone else and he's s already everything she ever wanted?"

"Imprinting is not as simple as it seems."

"So I've heard." I twisted my mouth and rolled my eyes.

"Leah, even when he was chasing after me to the point of stalking, I still refused him and kept away but when my face got destroyed... I just couldn't find the strength in me to fight anymore. Look at my face. I knew nobody would ever look past my scars. Ever. So I gave in. Imprinting meant that he was destined to be with me and even though I was in conflict with my decision, when you phased too, it made me believe that you'd imprint as well and you'd find that person that would be absolutely perfect for you. A person that would be everything that Sam had been and then more and you'd forget him and you wouldn't care anymore. Sam would be nothing more than table scraps to you..."

"Well, thanks for convincing yourself and then deciding for me as well?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Sorry, it's what I heard."

"Why can't you understand th-"

"Oh, I understand." I interrupted her. "I totally understand. It's just that I find it very difficult to swallow."

"Sam explained that you felt humiliated because I kept wanting to make you a part of our lives."

"Oh, is that how he put it?"

"Not really, no. His words were much harsher and painful." she took a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize for pushing you to be a part of something you weren't interested in being a part of. Even after all that happened, I still consider you my sister and didn't want to lose you. I refused to let go and forced you to remain when it should have been your decision to make. I knew Sam still loved you and though I took him away from you, I didn't want to take you away from him. I needed you as well. I needed you to be alright with him, with me, with us, so I continued to drag you into our lives. I'm sorry."

"Wait, hold up, what?" Was I stupid or did I understand something completely different from what she had said? It sounded like she had meant to say that she would have been fine if Sam and I had something on the side. I must have been completely crazy.

"I thought that if you remained around each other, those feeling would work themselves out."

_God, I'm so lost here. What exactly is she saying?_

"I thought that since he'd imprinted on me, it would never go farther than... but then I saw you kissing at the beach and I was so jealous, so hurt! I love him so much, Leah. There are no words to describe how much I love and need him and when I saw you two together it was so painful..." she was crying now but somehow I remained unmoved.

"It hurt to watch me kiss him." I huffed. "Imagine having to phase and not only see but also feel everything he feels towards you. Then imagine having no form of escape because when you phase back, you're forced to watch it live and in full color."

"I'm sorry we hurt you."

"You want to talk about hurt? Do you know how much it hurt to find out he had left me for you and more painful than that, to learn that you had accepted him. See, he was just a guy, a stranger I had fallen in love with. But you, you were my sister, my own blood, I trusted YOU. He broke his promises through no fault of his own but you BETRAYED me."

"I'm sorry things turned out this way."

"And I'm sorry neither one of you trusted me or cared about me enough to let me in on what was going on. Not once did you talk to me. Not once did you explain. Never. This whole shit would have been so much easier to handle had you fucking trusted me enough to say what was going on."

"It wasn't my secret to tell!"

"It wasn't his secret to share. It wasn't your secret to tell. It wasn't my secret to know. THEN WHO'S FUCKING SECRET WAS IT?" I was getting so angry that even though I was sitting, my knees where knocking together. "The two of you could see that you were tearing me apart left and right yet neither one of you had the common sense or decency to let me in on your fucking secret! I was dragged into the game and then pushed out to watch from the sidelines and then every time I fought back and refused, you'd drag my mother into it! What the fuck, Emily!"

"I'm sorry, Leah! I'm so sorry!"

"I kissed him on purpose at the beach. I kissed him because I wanted him to face reality, because I wanted to give you a tiny taste of what I felt. I did it because I felt wronged for too long." I was silent and watched my knees as they vibrated. "I'm not interested in Sam, Emily. Not in the least. I moved on. I don't even mind being around the two of you as much but things have changed. I've changed and I'm just not willing to put up with many things anymore. I refuse to do things I don't want to do. I've released myself from many of the things that were holding me back and I don't care how rude or mean I have to be, I will fight to get to where I want to be."

We sat in silence. I knew she couldn't understand what I was saying. She didn't know I had tried to kill myself or that I'd stopped phasing and though she had apologized, I didn't feel like filling her in about my life.

"I have to go, I have a lot of studying to do."

"You're going back to school?!"

"Yeah, I can't live in the woods forever. Might as well plan for a future."

"I think it's wonderful. What classes are you taking?"

"Regular classes." I stood ready to leave.

"You're not ready to be friends. I understand. I hope one day you can forgive me."

"Look Emily, I've forgiven you and Sam. Honestly, I have, but forgiving does not mean forgetting or trusting, and those are two things that are very far away and I still have a long way to go. I'll see you around." And I got up and left.

Ok, so maybe my talk with Emily hadn't been as productive as Sam had hoped, but hey, a deal was a deal and I'd held my end of the bargain. After leaving Emily's I'd driven to Forks and set up camp at the local library. I desperately needed to at the very least read the five chapters for Biology. I could learn the material later on, but it was essential to read it in order to have a clue of what was being discussed in class.

Studying is very difficult and virtually impossible when you have a pot of issues to stir and each chapter was filled with vocabulary words galore. I found myself reading over the same sentence five or six times and still not managing to grasp a single thing. Eventually, I finished the five chapters just in time to be ushered out the library by an attendant; it was closing time.

When I made it back home, Mom was already in bed and Seth was scribbling a note in the kitchen.

"Oh, you're back." he crushed the note into a ball.

"Studying." I replied.

"I was about to leave a note for you. Jacob dropped by but I told him you were at Sam's."

"Oh. And that deserved a chicken scratched note because?"

"Because he told me to tell you that he dropped by."

"Must be official business then. I'm off to bed."

"Nite." he walked into his room.

"Nite, kiddo." I walked into my own room, plopped down on the bed and fell asleep thinking of Jacob Black.

_

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**Feeling better today and at least now I'm over the never ending bowls of soup. I hate soup. To me, soup is just sitting in front of a bowl of water while trying to fish out peas and carrots and scooping up a noodle if you're lucky.**

**Reviews on the other hand, are fantastic. No matter how much my nose hurts from blowing it, reviews make it all better. You guys are lovely. I still find it hard to believe how many awesome comments I've received. Real authors don't have nearly as much fun as I'm having. They write these huge books and hope that people like it. I on the other hand, pound on the keyboard, post and right away I get to know whether I did good or bad. I feel spwecial! ^^**


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

In my head, Leah was always wishing to see me and when I showed up she'd beam up and gladly receive me. Unfortunately, it never turned out that way. I'd show up and she'd merely tolerate me until things got awkward or silent and I left. Don't ask how, but I could feel that she liked me. I was confused and couldn't explain it, but I was sure she liked me too even though she'd send me conflicting signals. Four days ago I'd slipped into the woods to offer her my company, as a wolf of course, and what I'd thought would be a dumb joke had earned me a smack with a hard piece of wood. How was I to know I'd scare her? We'd been phasing together for how long now and she still couldn't distinguish my growls from anyone or anything else's? Seriously.

In the end, it turned out to be a sweet day. How many of the pack mates could say they'd taken a hot girl for a wolf-back ride? Not that I was going to tell any of them. I enjoyed having whatever secret I could, it being difficult to have any when you shared a brain in the first place. When I got home that night, I must have had the goofiest grin on my face because even my dad looked up from the game to comment on it. Rachel began her usual round of interrogations but over the years I'd perfected my ignoring skills when it came to either of my sisters.

That night, I dreamt of Leah. I had the kinkiest of dreams too and you know what they say: erotic is using a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken and being a bastard is not calling the chicken the next day. So today I went back to the Clearwater's looking for Leah but Seth burst my bubble by telling me she had left a note stating she'd be at Sam's and later at the library.

Lately, I liked Sam about as much as I liked getting indigestion. The fact that he had shoved his tongue down Leah's throat made me want to shove my fist down HIS throat. Then that conversation in Leah's kitchen that lead me to believe he was trying to win her back, from then on even his name upset my spleen. What gave him the right to play around with her anyway?

I had marched back home and busied myself with homework. Nothing would keep me from graduating this year, not even that thick idiot. But as soon as I was finished, I marched back to Sam's to demand what the hell was going on. I met him out front but we quickly took the conversation out back where we were away from prying eyes and ears.

"What's going on, Jacob. What are you dragging me out here for."

"I wanted to keep Emily out of this conversation."

"Emily and I have no secrets."

"Then she knows that Leah tried suicide because all of us were making her life miserable, especially the two of you?"

"I haven't told Emily about Leah's attempt, no." he seemed to pause to track any sound coming from the house in case she was eavesdropping but it didn't matter if she was, not at the volume we were speaking anyway. She wouldn't have been able to hear us if she tried.

"I thought you told each other everything?"

"I don't want to get her involved. I don't think she could handle it. She's been through enough, I'll take all the blame."

"How sweet of you. Maybe you should be the one with chocolate brown fur! You're just a saint."

"What is it that you want, Jacob?"

"I want to know what's going on between you and my beta."

"Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?"

"Because I don't want her getting hurt. You've already caused her enough anguish and now you're spouting nonsense to her about imprinting."

"I don't know what she told you, but I haven't said anything that wasn't the truth. It's even in the legends, Taha Aki had three wives and he felt that only the third one was his soul mate."

"I knew it, you're trying to get back with her despite the fact that you're already with Emily. How could you even."

"What? No!" had his head not been attached to his neck and it in turn attached to his spine, his head would have done a full spin at that moment. "I'm not trying to get back with her. I tried to explain to Leah that imprinting is not like we were told. The whole universe does not cease to exist. Sure that person becomes the center of your world but they don't become your sole world. Imprinting on Emily didn't just simply override all my feelings for Leah. Those feelings are still there, they're just not as strong as before and they're not something I can either ignore or something I can simply act on. Taha Aki felt it too. Even though he felt love for his other wives, only one was meant for him and he chose to become old with her."

"Wow, you're just delirious. I don't know what you've been smoking but now you're even twisting the legends to suit your needs. We've seen Quil with Claire, Jared with Kim." He made absolutely no sense to me. None. He might as well have been using moon speak or Klingon. I'd taken French when I was thirteen and I understood it more than whatever he was trying to say.

"I'm not twisting anything, I'm illustrating the point that it is possible to love more than person at the same time." He came closer to me and I stood my ground hoping that he made an attempt to hit me so that I could fight back and my actions would not seem as unprovoked. "Your concern , Jacob, sounds a little biased, though. You sound like you're threatened by me. You wouldn't be interested in her, would you?"

"That is no concern of yours."

"You're wrong there too. It is my concern because I don't want you hurting her. Someday you'll imprint too, Jacob, remember that. I didn't know back then what was going on, what to do or realized what I was doing to Leah but you have all the tools. I gave you all that knowledge. I handed it all to you in a silver platter. If you chose to hurt her, you are a worse person that I'll ever be."

While it was true that he'd shared all his knowledge with me, it didn't mean I was about to back down.

"If you want to keep all your limbs, Sam, stay away from Leah."

"I can't, she's still part of the pack."

"Not anymore, she isn't." I turned and walked past him as I left.

Where as before I hated giving out commands, I wanted nothing more than to alpha Sam into staying away from her. The only reason I hadn't used the double timbre was because it was Leah's life and her choice to make. It didn't matter how big a mistake I considered a relationship between her and Sam to be and no matter how much it would hurt me if they did have anything together, I really had no right to interfere. Even though I'd already admittedly done so. Still, if they wanted to be together, I was nothing more than a hurdle to jump over. Had I given out an alpha command, the story would play itself out completely differently.

My only option now was to fight for her. It was my right. I wanted to be with Leah and I would fight for her and try to win her over the right way. Not by making direct choices for her or by prohibiting and hindering her actions. I wasn't Edward and Leah wasn't Bella. I would never tell Leah what she could and couldn't do.

Leah was my choice and I hoped that I would be hers.

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**Short but revealing.**

**For some reason the site seems not to be sending chapter update alerts. I usually get email alerts even for my own story and not even that is working. I had at least ten reviews yesterday that I knew nothing about because I got no email. What's up with that, fanfictiondotnet? Huh. *shakes fist***

**Oh well, I hope someone reads this chapter! 583 reviews. Must remember that number so that I can come back and check if anyone has reviewed. Yes, patience is not one of my virtues.  
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	29. Chapter 29

**A/N **

**Chapter 28 was posted yesterday but site seems to be having problems with alerts. Go ahead and read chap. 28 before this one. It is an important chapter for the story...**

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**Chapter 29**

Yesterday had been another busy day. I breezed through Math class, actually understood what was discussed during Biology and then a full night of work. Once again I drove home half asleep and went to bed stinking of sea food, smoke and perfume. When I got up it was already afternoon and once again, I took the sheets and tossed them in the washer. At this rate, the thread count on my favorite sheets would be zero.

In the early afternoon, I got dinner ready for Mom and Seth and they both ate it even though I slightly burnt the top of the lasagna dish. Burnt cheese isn't that bad anyway, I kind of liked it's crunchy texture. The usual scene played itself out and straight after dinner, Seth went over to meet Jess and Mom left to meet Charlie. I was once again home alone but I was too tired to care. Stuffing my face with carbohydrates made me sleepy so I went ahead and took a short one hour nap to help with digestion.

After my nap, I went straight to the dining room table, spread my books and notebooks over it's surface and settled down for a night of studying. Anatomy and Physiology was infinitely interesting and as I hovered over the book I thought to myself that maybe I should consider some sort of career in the medical field. Nursing or maybe even Physical Therapy sounded like good options and so I made a mental note to google information on the subject later on.

_The Ca2+ ions then diffuse into nearby sarcomeres and bind to the TnC subunits of troponin molecules._

I took out my blue high liter and gently swiped it over the sentence while I jotted a note down on my notebook. Studying the contraction cycle was infinitely easier when I imagined Jacob's back muscles contracting. One thing about being a shape shifter that was difficult to hate was the way it had made the Quileute boys look better than anyone on a magazine cover.

At that precise moment of thought, Seth's bedroom door opened and whom else would walk out but none other than Jacob Black balancing my brother's open laptop computer.

"What are you doing here?" Honestly, what the hell was he doing here? Did he climb through the window or something?

"Had to write a paper for tomorrow and Seth let be borrow his computer." he carried the blue laptop to the table and sat down left of me on the other side of the table.

"It's a laptop, couldn't you have taken it home?"

"Yeah, but we don't have internet or a printer." he pushed the monitor back and tapped the same key at least seven times in a row. "You don't mind if I join your study session, do you?"

It struck me that for some reason we were acting like we were in middle school. Here we were in what appeared to be a study date, except it wasn't. Just like the movie date that also wasn't.

"What's the paper on?"

"A novel I haven't had time to read."

"Time or interest?"

"Both, I 'spose." he grinned at me from behind the monitor. "I started reading it but it made absolutely no sense and the character names irked me."

"Really."

"One of the character's name is Jewel. Imagine a guy named that. At first I thought he was a girl." he chuckled and hit the same key a couple times. "Then there's this girl named Dewey Dell which is honestly a porn star name."

"I'm sure you'd know." I swiped the high liter over another sentence before replacing the marker's cap and not bothering to look up at his reaction. "So how are you going to write a paper on a novel you've never read?"

"Easy." He once again grinned at me, "I'm basing it off Wikipedia and Cliff Notes."

"Yeah, and the teacher is not going to notice."

"Not if you do it the right way." He looked smug and I wanted to smack him upside the head.

"Well, good luck with that." I looked back down at my book and continued reading.

My ability to focus on the material at hand was challenged by Jake's presence. He continuously pounded the same key repeatedly and I suspected he was using the damned arrows instead of the touchpad. Each time he struck the key, to my brain it felt like he was shoving a pencil in my ear. It was freaking annoying to say the least and to that add the fact that he kept fidgeting and making random noises. I let out a sigh.

"Can't concentrate?" he inquired.

"No. I can't. If you simply sat still, used the touch pad instead of the arrow keys and shut up, I could actually focus on my work."

"Sorry. I can't seem to concentrate either."

"Humph."

"Girl on my mind."

"Really?" I suddenly got curious. "Go head, spill the beans."

"Sure you want to know who?" he furrowed his brow.

"Scratch that. On second thought, no, I don't want to know. " I looked back to my book and blew him off. It was either someone in one of his classes or freaking Bella Swan or Cullen or whatever the hell. It didn't matter really, I was instantly jealous all the same.

I turned to my notebook to jot down a couple key words I'd need to remember and as soon as the lead touched the paper, it broke. I clicked the eraser on my mechanical pencil twice and when I pressed on it, once again it broke. Two more clicks and the damned lead broke again.

Click, click break. Click, click break.

By this time I was beyond frustrated and so jealous that I went through a couple leads before giving up on the pencil. I stood up abruptly and went into my bedroom where I rummaged around till I found a normal pencil and afterwards better decided on a pen. Then I went back to the dining room table and got back to work.

"So how's college?"

"It's pretty neat, actually." I felt a smile creep up my face. Just thinking about college made me happy. " I met this guy in biology, his name is Brennan, and we started talking and we hit if off. You know, instantly. He's my lab partner now too, thought I haven't had lab yet."

"Brennan? Sounds like a real surfer name." Jake snorted. "Duuude! At first I like, thought, but then I like, didn't? But then I was like cool story, bro!" he mimicked and pretended to toss hair from one side of his head to the other.

"He's actually a pretty awesome guy." I rolled my eyes though I thought his impression was funny. Still, I wasn't going to let him know that. "He draws the most amazing things in the blink of an eye. I turned to look at the board and when I looked back he'd already drawn a knight and a whole country side..."

"Was it stick figures? Either way, sounds like something a dork would draw."

"Maybe, but he's an amazing artist. Yesterday when I got out of work, there's this little art gallery in the building across the street and the restaurant was catering an exposition there, so I stopped by just to take a peek. Anyway, long story short, it was Brennan's work on the walls and he showed me his favorites. I mean, they were gorgeous. He had a piece where the shadows just danced across a woman's face... it was so poetic."

Jacob pounded the keyboard for a length that made me think he might have actually typed a sentence or two and then simply sat there staring at the screen before holding down what I guessed to be the backspace button.

"Maybe I'll ask him to draw up a tattoo or something."

"You want a tattoo now." he gave me a quizzical look.

"Yeah. I just don't know what I want yet. I guess I'll have him design one for me."

"You'll have him design one for you? How can a guy that knows absolutely NOTHING about you design something that represents YOU and that you'll carry around and display FOREVER?"

"Boy, you're suddenly in a mood. What's the matter, thorn on your paw? Leech bite too hard?"

"I can't concentrate with all your yapping." He pushed back his chair abruptly and got up. "If you need me, I'll be in your brother's room trying to get this paper done."

"Humph." I watched him balance the laptop on his palm as he disappeared into Seth's room and closed the door behind him. I didn't know what was suddenly eating him, but at least I could get back to my books.

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**Next chapter might be _interesting_.**

**Review me! **


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

I had decided on going for an afternoon walk down the beach. It was my day off and I had fallen into a routine of study and work followed by more study and then passing out in bed. It had been a while since I'd gotten any form of exercise and I thought that the crisp winter air and the sound of the crashing waves would offer a nice change of pace. I had left the house and taken the usual trail that lead this way and had planned on having a leisurely stroll but that wasn't about to happen. It was so cold that my nose stung when I breathed and I swore if something touched my ears, they would just break and fall off.

I had managed to make it to the beach but then I quickly reconsidered my choice and had turned around when I stumbled unto Sam. He walked around in nothing but jeans and a t-shirt while I was bundled in fabric from head to toe. A couple weeks ago I would have made an about face and come up with any excuse to avoid him, but not anymore. I had no reason to run and hide. I had nothing really to avoid so I just walked on and smiled when he approached.

"Hey."

"Hi." I lifted my hand while it was still shoved inside the coat pocket. No way in hell I was losing a finger in this temperature.

"So, how have you been doing?"

"Great. You?" I nodded.

"Great." he nodded as well. "Emily says you're back in school?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "Finally moving forward."

"I heard something like that."

"Huh?"

"Jacob."

"What about Jake?" I furrowed my eyebrows. I honestly had no clue what he was talking about.

"He dropped by three maybe four days ago, the same day you talked to Emily."

"So?" That was the same day he'd come looking for me. Then two days later he was at my house doing homework and had mentioned nothing of why he came looking for me therefore I still had no idea where this was going.

"He mentioned something that has stayed swimming around in my head since then and I don't think I quite understand."

"Ok." I opened my eyes wide, lifted my eyebrows and inclined my head forward urging him to hurry the fuck up.

"He said you're not part of the pack anymore?"

"Uh, WHAT?"

"That was it, he said you weren't part of the pack anymore."

"SON OF A BITCH!" I fumed and began a sprint down the beach and up the trail leaving Sam standing there looking like deer caught in headlights.

***

I stormed into the house before storming back out and into the car. I put the gear in reverse and backed out the driveway so fast that the tires sent pebbles flying in every direction. When I pulled up to the Black's, I didn't even bother to pull up the emergency break or walk into their home and instead opted to march around the house, out back to Jake's garage.

"YOU TOLD HIM?"

Jake gave me his most innocent of looks and it served to infuriate me further.

"YOU FUCKING TOLD HIM!"

"It slipped."

"IT SLIPPED?" I gestured with my hands. "Slipping is saying fuck when you trip inside a church. Informing Sam of my plans was NOT slipping."

"You should have heard him babbling on about Taha Aki and the wives. He's like absolutely insane. He talks about Taha Aki being in love with all his wives but then he talks like Taha Aki had imprinted on the third one. And then he uses this to illustrate that it is possible to love someone else even though you've imprinted. It's insane."

"And what the hell do I care, Jacob. What has any of that shit got to do with me. Why the hell would you go and tell him that I'm not part of the pack anymore?"

"Because he's trying to win you back, Lee!"

"No he's not! And even if he was, I'm not interested! What the hell is wrong with you?" I growled.

"I don't want him putting dumb ideas into your head... so I told him to stay away from you."

"YOU WHAT?"

"I told him to stay away from you." he repeated. "And he said he couldn't because you're still part of the pack so I said you weren't anymore."

I wanted to slap him so hard his nose would end up attached to his ear. What the hell gave him the right to tell anyone, even Sam, to stay away from me? And what the hell gave him the right to inform anyone about my life without giving me a heads up?

"What is wrong with you and your little pissing contest with Sam. You can't tell people to stay away from me! What in hell's name gives you that right?"

"I don't want him hurting you anymore, Lee."

"So you decided to play knight in shining armor. You wanted to play hero again!" I was so angry I wanted to punch my fist through the rabbit's glass before taking a crowbar to its frame. I felt that by telling Sam, he had broken a secret pact or code. He had overstepped his role as a friend and made a decision for me and I wasn't about to just take it lying down. "Goddamit, Jake! Why can't you just butt the fuck out? I don't need a fucking hero!"

"THEN WHAT DO YOU NEED, LEAH." It took him one stride to break the distance between us. One flash movement and he'd taken both my hands into his. His voice was angry but his hold on me was not. "Tell me what you want, tell me what you need because I am dying here!"

What the hell was he talking about?

"You feel that?" he took the palm of my hand and pressed it to his chest. "My heart's beating like I've been running a marathon and I can't help it. When are you going to notice, Lee." He looked me straight in the eyes when he spoke, "When are you going to notice that what I feel for you is more than just friendship. When are you going to accept that you feel for me exactly what I feel for you?"

Gravity suddenly was a lot stronger than it had ever been. My feet were glued to the ground. Each leg weighed too much for my muscles to lift and my heart was pounding so hard that I thought it would break lose and fall straight to my feet. The air in the garage became so thick it was like trying to breathe through a pillow.

"I feel it, Lee. I feel it when I hold you. I feel it when you push me away even though you want me to stay." He moved closer to me and I unknowingly backed up against the rabbit. "Why do you fight it? Why do you want to pretend you feel nothing for me? Is it because you're afraid of getting hurt? I'm not him. I'm nothing like him. I promise I will never hurt you."

He was so close to me now that I could feel his breath. His eyes locked on my own. "When are you going to accept it?" His voice was so soft now that it was barely a murmur. "When." he pressed his forehead against mine before dipping into my lips.

His mouth was plump and soft on mine as he cautiously kissed me, both his lips gently wrapped around my own. I held my breath in fear, not willing to believe that he was in fact kissing me but his mouth was too hot, his touch too searing to be a figment of my imagination.

Jake pulled back slowly and looked at me, misery washing over his features as he stood there with my palm glued to his chest. He looked disappointed, crestfallen, his gaze pointed downward as if he didn't dare look at my face anymore. Beneath my palm, his heartbeat matched the rhythm of my own. In his hand, he still held mine, his fingers slowly releasing me and grazing my palm as he pulled away.

I too was washed with sadness and disappointment, regretting that he had pulled away. Grieving the fact that I hadn't kissed him back. Slowly I pushed my palm away from his heart and up to his neck before taking a step closer, my thumb grazing his jaw line as I stood on the tip of my toes and kissed him back, sucking his bottom lip between my own.

He crushed me into him, embers and flame searing my skin. A large hand pressing into the small of my back while lightly callused fingers laced themselves in my hair and pressed themselves against my scalp. In a dingy, poorly lit garage in the middle of winter, our tongues danced and our lips clashed.

Wet fire consumed every last bit of my control and I surrendered to his hold.

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**There's about ten more chapters to this story, probably less. Then it comes to a definite end.**

**Yes, it's been a long journey but there are stories here that are hella longer than this one. Mine is so long because I've tried to keep the story somewhat more on the realistic side as opposed to having Leah try to kill herself and then giggle about it the next day as she forgives everyone around her and receives infinite hot dickings from Jacob all within two days time.**

**The very last two chapters are already written, now I just have to fill the space in between. ^^**

**Thanks for all the support. It's fantastically awesome and magically delicious. \( ^_^ )/**


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

Five days had passed since the kiss in the garage and in those five days, plenty more kisses had been shared between Jake and I. The pack knew nothing about our relationship not because we were trying to make it a secret but instead because we wanted to figure things out on our own. I certainly didn't want my mother butting in and giving me her opinion and we didn't want to answer anybody's questions either, specially me, because I was riddled with plenty questions of my own.

Did Jake's age bother me? Yes, but I took comfort in knowing that Paul was at least six years younger than Rachel. At least the age difference between Jake and myself wasn't as large. It also bothered me that I was sort of dating a guy that was still in high school, but then again, he had failed a grade thanks to bloodsucking Bella. And the fact that we were sort of dating bothered me too. It seemed everything about Jacob and I was sort of. We sort of went on a movie date. We sort of had a study date. We sort of knew one of us would end up broken if the other imprinted, we were sort of hiding and we sort of didn't care at the moment.

There was also this tiny little thing eating at the back of my mind: Jake was completely sexually inexperienced. I had a long time of experience under my belt though lately I considered myself a virgin. The mere thought made me laugh out loud and I turned onto my other side on the bed. I hadn't had sexual contact of any sort in so long that I was sure I had closed up again. Once more, I giggled at my absurdity and smooshed my head into the pillow. The nagging questions remained. How soon was too soon to go at it with Jacob? How slow should we take things? What was he expecting to gain from this? How would I bring up the subject or would he bring up the subject? What was I supposed to do if he didn't meet my expectations?

I was lost in my thoughts when the constant ringing of the phone brought me back to the present.

"Why can't anyone answer the friggin phone!" I stomped out of bed and opened the door like the devil was after me. "Jesus Christ, you'd think nobody else lived here." I marched into the living room and picked up the cordless phone while looking around to see if anyone else was home but they weren't. "Hello?"

"Is your mom home?"

"Who is this?" I questioned in a less than friendly tone.

"It's me, Sam." His voice was so deep, so hoarse that I hadn't even recognized it.

"Uh, no she's not. Did you try her phone?"

"Yeah, but the call went direct to voice mail."

"Oh, she must be with Charlie then. You sound like shit, are you ok?"

"No. No I'm not."

Instinct and fear kicked in. Car accident? No, he'd recuperate in a couple hours. Vampires close by? No, I'd have heard someone howl a warning. Did it have to do with the council? Why'd he call looking for my mom specifically?

"What happened?"

"Emily." he choked while saying her name. "We're at the hospital. She lost the baby."

****

I made it to the clinic so fast you'd have thought I ran there in wolf form. Tragedy was tragedy even if it happened to your worst enemy and miscarrying your first child was a worse tragedy than almost anything I could conjure.

Some people never wanted children and I fully supported them if that was their choice, children are not for everybody and nobody should be forced to have them. Some of us, on the other hand, had always known we wanted children and even as kids ourselves, had sat down and come up with a number of offspring, their sex and names. Emily and I had belonged to this last group. We used to sit around while brushing our dolls' hair and making up our future. Emily had wanted a boy and a girl while I had wanted two girls. We both had wanted a tall, dark, handsome prince and at the time, we both had a crush on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. We also knew how to do the Carlton dance and would perform it in front of the television set. We were four years old and didn't know any better, I smirked as I walked down the hall and looked for Emily's room.

Making a turn on the second floor, I spotted room 211 and cautiously peeked through a crack in the door before walking in. Emily did not have a private room like I'd had during my long hospital stay, instead she had one of those large rooms that were shared by two people, their spaces divided by a huge curtain hanging from hooks along a track on the ceiling. The door creaked a little and Emily's head turned to face my direction. Her eyes were puffy and red with deep brown circles underneath that made the down turned eye look especially worse. As soon as she saw me, two tears the size of bullets streamed down her face as she made an attempt to smile a greeting.

"I know there are no words that can bring comfort to you right now, but I'm deeply sorry for your loss." My words were soft and sincere as I approached the bed and she raised her hands to grasp my own.

"Thank you for coming, Lee." she spoke between tears.

"Where's Sam?" I glanced around the room looking for him not because he was important to me or because I was concerned for him in any shape, way or form. Instead I looked for him because I felt he should have been here by her side and never dropped her hands.

"I sent him to eat something." she sniffled. "It's too much at once, I needed a break."

I felt awkward and out of place as I stood there next to her plastic bed while she held my hands. She and I weren't exactly friends but we weren't exactly enemies either. If I had been there to protect that cave mushroom and her nefarious spawn then I should be here to show support for my cousin as well. As I looked at her arms and followed the I.V. drip attached to her hand I thought about how all of my wounds were of the emotional type while most of hers where of the physical kind. In a sick and twisted way, it occurred to me that physical wounds were better; people saw your pain and accepted it while if your wounds were of the emotional type, people thought it was all bullshit and you needed to get over it fast. Forgive, forget and move on as quickly as possible or something was definitely wrong with you on several levels.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine." she pressed the button on the control and brought her legs up a little higher.

The room was silent except for the lady on the other side of the curtain whom would sometimes cough. The air conditioner kicked in and the pale green curtain swayed back and forth in the breeze.

"I don't understand why they have to make hospitals so cold." Emily commented while pulling up the thin bed sheet.

"Viruses and bacteria don't like the cold too much." I replied even though I knew the question wasn't meant for an answer.

"I didn't even know I was pregnant." she whispered as she once again began to cry.

"What happened?"

"I made pasta and wanted the really big bowl but it was too high up and I couldn't reach, so I pulled up a chair and was fidgeting around trying to grab it and I lost my balance. I didn't want to drop the bowl." she rolled her eyes. "I slammed against the cabinets before hitting the floor. The bowl broke anyway."

"How far along..."

"Eight weeks."

I couldn't understand why people always spoke in weeks when it came to pregnancies. I understood that fetal development was described in weeks but only pregnant people and doctors were interested in that type of stuff. Why they couldn't divide time in regular terms for us regular folk was beyond me so I did the math in my head and came up with about two months. She had gone two months without a period and didn't know she was pregnant? I didn't want to ask her the details because frankly they changed nothing, besides, Emily would sometimes skip periods and doctor visits had assured her that she was fine. Her cycle was just a bit longer than the usual twenty eight days and it made it so that certain months, she wouldn't bleed. I on the other hand had always been regular like clockwork and always had the time of arrival down to almost the hour. Until I began to phase that is, then everything just shot to hell.

"After I fell and was cleaning up the mess I made, I started getting cramps but thought nothing of it. Then I got my period and I was glad because I had skipped a month... but the pad soaked through completely in no time and I had horrible cramps. I sat on the toilet and when I wiped... I had passed tissue and there were these thick blood clots." She tried to explain to me through her sobs and I didn't stop her because I understood that she wanted and needed to talk about it. "I was so scared. I had no idea what was going on so I changed and went to call Sam but I couldn't even walk because the cramps were so bad. By the time I got a hold of him, I was doubled over with pain and even breathing was difficult." She sniffled and I got tissue from the table next to the bed and handed it to her. "I had no idea I was pregnant until they told me and it was too late. They sucked the baby out of me!" she sobbed so hard that now I too was crying.

I couldn't even believe to grasp the concept that when I'd gone to her house, she was pregnant. That when I kissed Sam at the beach and offered to rearrange her face, she had been pregnant. She had come so close to having everything I had wanted for myself and then she'd lost it over a bowl of pasta.

"They sucked it out, they emptied out my uterus." she bawled. "And when they told him, I couldn't even look him in the face. He was so destroyed!" she blew her nose and I got her more tissues. "And he hasn't left my side even though I want him to leave. It's my fault. It's all my fault and I can't stand to have him here constantly by my side drowning me with his attentions. I don't deserve it, Lee. I don't."

I felt I should comfort her but I didn't know how. The pain of her loss could not completely obscure the pain of my own loss, no matter how big it was and I felt ashamed. I tried looking for the proper words but could find nothing to say.

"Even SHE could have a baby and I lost mine."

"She actually died while having hers." I corrected her, trying to maybe use it as a form of comfort. Bella had in fact died after childbirth. Had she not been turned into a vampire, she would have ceased to exist and even now in her new form, she wasn't really alive. She didn't breathe, she had no heartbeat, her body was frigid and cold. She existed, yes, but she wasn't alive.

"You'll have other chances, Emily. There's still time for you to be a mother." I tried to smile but my body refused. Sam walked into the room and I excused myself to see if I could reach Mom. I made it safely five maybe six steps out of the room before I too broke down in tears. Emily's loss had suddenly turned into my own because when I fervently begged for my period and the ability to have children, it had never occurred to me that losing a pregnancy was entirely possible and a possibility I'd have to face. As I made it down the hall and into the ladies' room, I silently wept for Emily, Sam, myself and the babies that would never be.

* * *

**Chapter 32 is halfway written. I'm just working out the kinks. Can't believe I wrote what I wrote for it. What? \ ( 0_o) /**


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

My relationship with Jacob was moving along at a comfortable pace, at least for me. Once I decided to be a bit more open with my feelings being with him just felt natural. I couldn't find the right words to describe it but it felt like I belonged where I was and with him. Most relationships start out with that giddy, awkward getting to know each other stage but ours didn't. Maybe it was because we'd been in each others minds for so long and because we had started out as partners and then as friends as opposed to dating someone you just met or the guy that sat next to you in class. We knew each others backgrounds, each others family, shared the same history, we were both under the same curse and we both knew what it was like to love the wrong person. We just fit.

Still, no matter how close I wanted to get to him, the imprinting curse was always in the back of my mind. I lived in fear that one day someone' would be born or someone's relative would visit and I'd lose him forever. That damned knowledge that not all wolves imprinted and there was no way of telling which would and which wouldn't... it ate at my insides. How long would Jacob live if he never stopped phasing and how long would I live if I never phased back? Would he remain young and I old? What if we both continued to phase and remained together and he imprinted when he was fifty? As stupid as it sounded, it was a possibility. Lots of people came and went in a couple decades and for how long would I be able to hold my breath every time we met a new person? Every single woman out there whom he hadn't met was a threat to our relationship and I suddenly regretted everything that had come to pass since the night in the garage.

"Leah?" Seth's knock at my door interrupted my train of thought as I sat there looking at my calendar full of scribbled notes and symbols. It had been forty-two days since I stopped phasing.

"Earth to Leah!"

"What." I groaned.

"Jake's on the phone."

"Tell him to call back later, I'm busy." I crossed out another square from the row.

"He says it's official business and he needs to see you right away." Seth came back and stood under the door frame. "He doesn't sound happy at all. Maybe you should start patrolling again so he could get off our butts. I could use a couple days off."

"You patrol twice a week for half the night, Seth. You never complained this much back when you spent days phased running around in the woods and living amongst the leeches."

"Back then I didn't have a girlfriend or had to be in school all day and then do a ton of homework." he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Life's tough, kid. Better get used to it."

"Yeah, says the Beta that hasn't patrolled in a month." he gave me a dirty look. "And don't think we haven't noticed that you walk around more bundled up than a Seattle bag lady. "

"I'm going to see what Jacob wants." I glowered at him while grabbing my car keys and purposefully leaving the coat behind. "I hope that none of you have been bitching at him about me and patrols because if he puts me on the schedule for this week, I swear I'll Beta you into patrols every day for two weeks."

"Humph." he did an about turn and marched into his room.

"Yeah, humph to you too." I stormed out the door.

***

I pulled up to the Black's and walked out back to Jacob's garage knowing that it was where he spent his free time.

"Hi."

"Hi." he walked up to me and wrapped both his hands around my waist when he kissed me and as he did so, I could feel his arms tense up.

"What's going on?"

"We need to talk." I could hear hesitation in his voice and he looked doubtful, worried, tense.

My heart sank and the contents of my stomach threatened to climb up my throat. Had he imprinted? Did he want to break up. Had he realized something I had ignored? What? What was going on? After all the shit I had been through in this lifetime, I didn't want him to be gentle and pussyfoot around whatever it was. Uncertainty would drive me insane and I'd rather deal with whatever it was in a single blow.

"Whatever it is, just tell me and get it over with." My tone was serious and determined even though inside I was nothing but a pile of chicken shit waiting to topple over. He tried to lead me to the seats at the back of the garage but I refused to budge. Whatever it was, I was going to hear about it right where I stood, close to the entrance where I could run out if I needed to.

"I was at the Cullen's today..."

Great, he was a the Cullen's. Anything that had to do with them was bad news unless they were packing their bags and leaving. He let out a sigh before he continued and I prepared myself for the blow.

"They are receiving visitors..."

"You want me to phase back?!" God dammit.

"Will you let me finish?" he sounded annoyed and he took a moment before he continued. "These vampires are like them, they don't attack people but they've never been here before meaning that more of us will probably change."

"How many of them are coming?"

"Five. They want to see Nessie."

I let out a snort and rolled my eyes. Even though she didn't mean to be, Nessie was a constant threat.

"How long has it been since you've phased, Lee?"

"Forty-two days." I looked at my shoes. I knew it, I knew he wanted me to phase back but what would happen if I refused. Would he go back on his words?

"I'm worried about how this will affect us, you."

"What do you mean?"

"You've been able to control the impulse to phase because you've been around the Cullens for such a long time. You've gotten used to them, to their presence, they're not a threat but these guys, you've never been around them and I'm worried the wolf gene will kick in and you'll phase again whether you want to or not." He grabbed both my hands and rubbed his thumb along the back of my palms before lowering the tone of his voice. "Leave."

"What?"

"I want you to leave." his tone was low, his words hushed as he looked at my hands.

"You want me to run away?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"If that's what it takes to keep you safe and happy then yes."

"But I have school and I'm doing so well and I have a job and I'm meeting new people! I can't just pack my shit and go!"

"Please, it's only for a few days. They won't stay longer than a week."

"A week? I can't miss a week of school. I can't call off work for a week."

"Yes you can. We'll get Dr. Cullen to write you an excuse. They can't fire you if you have medical papers and you can make up your school work. It's only a week. That's three work days in a row and two school days."

"You've been thinking about this for how long?"

"I've been chewing on it for hours, trying to find a way to keep you safe."

"I am safe."

"Is phasing back what you want? I'm trying to give you options, Leah. Leave for a couple days and remain as you are or stay and risk losing whatever you've gained. Or maybe you could stay and embrace what's in your blood, what you were born to be."

While he was talking, he never released my hands. His thumb continued to form circles on my palms and it seemed like he was trying to find the proper words.

"If you leave, I will be here waiting for you when you come back, if you come back."

"What are you saying? You're letting me go? You're allowing me to leave La Push?"

"I'm not allowing you anything. It's not my place to force you into something. It's your right to choose what you need. The options are all there. You are free to do as you want. You've always been. I just hope that for my sake, you do chose to come back."

I felt a knot form at the back of my throat. He was allowing me to leave La Push and would do nothing to stop me, he wouldn't even try to bring me back. If Sam had been Alpha, he'd never allow anything like this. He'd never even suggest it yet Jacob was encouraging me to leave, he was suggesting that I leave and start over and never come back. It dawned on me how completely different the two of them were. Jacob was willing to give me up as long as it made me happy while Sam was unwilling to give me up even if it destroyed me.

I felt like crying, nothing in my life seemed easy. Even when I had the opportunity of doing something good it meant leaving something I desperately wanted behind. I decided not to spend my time crying and feeling sorry for myself, so I pushed forward and kissed him instead.

I loved the way Jake kissed me. Usually a kiss was all about technique but the way he kissed me was different. His kisses weren't about lips touching and tongue wagging, it was about the emotion he put into it. It was the way he held me close, the way he put his arms around me and wrapped me in a cocoon of strength. It was the way he moved, the way he felt and how I was enveloped in his heat. Kissing him was like being in a trance where nothing and nobody else mattered. Everything else in the world ceased to exist and all I knew was his touch. All I wanted and needed at that moment was him.

As we kissed, he let go of my palms and rested his hands on my hips as he brought me closer to him, his hands trailing up to my waist where they remained fastened. My lips were bruised as his lips became more and more demanding. Then his lips abandoned my own and began a feverish attack on my neck.

My breathing became loud and harsh as he kissed me, his hot fingers digging into my flesh. All I could think about at the moment was possessing him. The knowledge that he was untouched and inexperienced was constantly in my mind. Even with his lips all over me, I was still jealous of anyone that had made his heart beat before me and anyone else that would attempt to make it beat after me. I wanted to upstage Bella Swan. How many times had he kissed her like this? What sort of things had he dreamed of doing to her. I wanted Jacob for myself. I wanted to erase anyone elses memory from his mind.

I wanted him. I needed him. I loved him. He was mine.

I escaped his lips' assault on my neck and quickly began one of my own. I ran my fingers deep through his hair as I licked and nibbled on the sides of his neck until his breathing too became uneven. My fingers dug into his back as I pressed myself onto his body and stood on my toes to reach his ears, guiding the bottom of his earlobe with my tongue before I caught it between my teeth and sucked it into my mouth. The action gained me a soft sigh that escaped his lips and I pressed myself harder into him, his fingers digging into my flesh as the bulge in his jeans pressed onto my hips.

He tried to push me back but I wouldn't allow it and instead pressed myself harder against him. When he brought his hands higher up and stopped shy of my breasts, I kissed him deeper, encouraging him further. He seemed to understand what I wanted and cupped my breast before kneading it agonizingly slow. It had been so long since anybody had touched me. So long since I had felt this good.

Once again, his mouth assaulted my neck while he brought one hand under my shirt, pushed up my bra and kneaded my naked breast, his other hand traveled downward and gripped my butt, bringing me closer to him and his throbbing erection. I relished in the knowledge that I could cause this change in him and when I trailed my hand down his chest and over the front of his shorts, I took delight in knowing that nobody had ever touched him the way I was about to touch him.

I undid his button quickly and brought down the zipper slowly before dipping my hands inside his jeans and following the length of his erection with my whole hand. Right now, there was nothing I wanted more in the whole world and I brought my lips to his ear to let him know.

"I want you, Jake."

"God," he breathed squeezing my nipple between his thumb and his hand, "I want you too."

"I want you, Jacob." my voice was hoarse in his ear, "I want you in my mouth."

With my hand still in his jeans, I guided him towards the couch were I sat in front of him before slipping the shorts over his butt and down his thighs, my mouth followed the hard indentations of his abs before venturing into uncharted territories. I pressed the erection upwards against his abdomen and held it there while I rubbed it up and down with the palm of my hand. My lips continued their journey downward as I took turns gently cupping and kissing the soft sacks there before turning my attention back up.

He was perfect and beautiful as I took him softly in my mouth, licking and suckling on his crown before taking him completely. He inhaled sharply through his teeth as I ministered him. His fingers laced through my hair as his breathing became more and more labored, his hips bucking once as he controlled his urge to thrust into me. I knew he was close and dug my fingers into his hips bringing him in deeper, doing everything in my power to bring him over the edge.

His breathing became labored as he panted and a soft moan escaped his throat. I knew he was ready and he tried pulling back but I didn't allow him to escape.

"I want to know what you taste like." I whispered before wrapping my lips around his shaft and working him until he couldn't hold back anymore. With a low, deep moan, Jake spilled himself into my mouth.

* * *

**And there you have it. Writing anything sexual is so NOT fun. This is the first and last time I'm doing it. For real. From now on, anything sex related will be a fade to black. God!  
**

**Thankfully, there are not many chapters left to go!**

**Now back to my brownie and glass of milk. ^^**


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

After the talk with Jacob, I was too much of a nervous wreck to go back home and so I decided to go for a drive. I'd been doing a lot of driving lately as it was the only place where I could actually think and be alone with my thoughts. Going to the beach to clear my mind always ended up with some sort of interruption followed by some sort of revelation, a process I had grown tired of. Attempting to clear my head in my house always resulted in someone bursting into my bedroom and demanding something from me and it was annoying as hell. This cage of steel though, provided infinite thinking time as long as long as there was gas in the tank and I didn't get caught speeding by the police.

It was after ten in the night when I made it back home and walked straight through the house to my mother's bedroom and gently tapped on her door before allowing myself in.

"Mom?"

"What's going on?" She sat in bed abruptly and fumbled through the contents on her nightstand trying to find the light switch on the lamp.

"I need to talk to you."

"Is anybody dead?" she finally found the light switch and stared at me with wild eyes and disheveled hair.

"No. It's about me." I plopped on the bed by her feet. This was going to be really hard.

****

The seatbelt sign blinked overhead as an alarm pinged and I switched my table tray to an upright position. Having a heart to heart talk with my mother had been one of the most difficult things I had ever done. I sat at that bed for what seemed like an eternity and let out almost everything I had been holding back for so long. I told her about the hurt of my father's death and knowing fear had been what had triggered the fatal heart attack. I told her about how much it hurt when she sided with Emily and forced me to pretend to be friends with her. I let everything having to do with Sam out in the open and spoke about the Cullens, Bella and her daughter. Then I told her about my fears, my hopes and my goals while I conveniently left out the fact that the drowning had been no accident but a wish gone wrong.

After the tears had stopped and I'd grown comfortable in my own fear, I proceeded to tell her that I hadn't phased in forty-two days and planned on never phasing back. The conversation then took on a more formal tone as not only was she my mother, she was also a member of the council and some of the things that were going on, not only affected me on a personal level but had to do with the whole pack and future generations as well. Anything that had to do with me and phasing needed to be known and recorded as I was the only female shape-shifter in Quileute history so I told her about the adjustments in my body after not phasing and spoke of my conversations with Sam about imprinting. The last thing we spoke about was Jacob and the fact that I had decided to leave.

Like a fugitive, I left in the middle of the night with nothing but a small, carry on suitcase and my college textbooks. Seth was on patrol that night and I had to leave right away because I couldn't stand the thought of saying goodbye. Even when my mother had helped pack my tiny suitcase, I hadn't had the heart to tell her that I'd only bought a one way ticket and avoided the subject of my return date. The textbooks I was taking with me gave us both hope that I'd be coming back.

The wait at the airport, the boarding process and the flight itself had been long and uneventful. I'd kept busy highlighting and devouring my college textbooks and when I got sad and impatient, I concentrated on my numb ass. This had been my first time on an airplane and I had been so nervous throughout the trip that I hadn't even dared to walk down the isle to use the restroom and instead held it in till we made my connection flight in Chicago.

Ten hours into my trip, we reached our destination. "_Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to Orlando, Florida. The current weather is sunny and 75 F or 24C with a 10 percent chance of rain. Local time is 4:15 in the afternoon. We hope you have enjoyed flying US Airways._" The muffled announcement came on the overhead speakers and immediately people began scavenging for their luggage. I remained glued to my tiny seat and looking out the window, watching the men in machinery circle the plane and retrieve luggage carts.

***

I'd done all my arrangements online on an impulse and had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do once I got there; the only thing in my mind had been the opportunity to escape. I pulled up to the motel in my rental car and once I was safely inside my room, the first thing I did after locking the door was run into the bathroom and puke everything I had consumed during the last week. I was a nervous wreck and even with an empty stomach, my insides still churned. I couldn't believe I had left La Push, that everything and everyone I had ever known were so far behind. I was in a strange place surrounded by strange people and nobody had any idea of my past, whom I was, what I had done or what I was capable of doing. Curling up into fetal position on a strange bed, I fell into a deep exhausted sleep.

***

The next day I awoke fully determined, doubt and uncertainty had been pushed completely out from my mind. After a quick breakfast supplied by the motel chain, I hopped inside my car and went to a cyber cafe where I printed out maps, found local attractions, printed out motel rates and left a message on my mother's cell phone. After that, I headed straight for Universal Studios Theme Parks and bought myself a pass that allowed me to skip the lines. I rode every single roller coaster at least twice and with every scream and every smile, I wished Jacob had been there with me; not once did he ever leave my mind.

During my stay I swam in the Atlantic Ocean, visited every single park the area offered and went out to clubs and danced. I got it all out of my system and once I did, I got down to the real business at hand. I had come here searching for an escape, looking to be released from my captivity but after eight days of fun and sun I had quickly come to realize that I was only a captive of my own mind. Once I had acquired courage and decided I had nothing to lose and was going to make my own choices and go by my own decisions, there was nothing to run away from and nothing to hold me back.

One day I sat down on a bench at the mall and watched the people as they walked by. Everyone was different. There were all shades of skin, all types of hair and I heard all sort of dialects as people paraded themselves in front of me. I thought about what I would do if I remained here and decided that I'd get a job and go to college, exactly the same things I was already doing back home. Here it was constantly sunny and any form of entertainment you could imagine was at arm's reach but I found myself missing our beaches back home, my people and the family I'd left behind. After my family, Jacob Black was what I missed most of all.

It was a compulsion I'd fought every day for over a week, the compulsion to call and hear his voice. All day long I thought of him, every picture I took was meant to be shared with him and at night when I went to sleep he was the last thought on my mind. Staying here would have been easy but then I'd always wonder how my life would have been if I went back. How far would my relationship with Jacob have progressed? How long would the Cullens stay and what would happen to the pack? I had too many emotional bonds at home to just pack and leave forever now that everything was starting to go right.

***

On my ninth day away from home, I called Mom and asked for any news. The visiting vampires had left and their presence seemed to trigger the start of change in some of the boys. We knew once the process started it didn't stop and three more guys would soon be expected to join the pack. A council meeting had also been held and all information about me was now in the open. My choice to not phase back had been accepted by the council hesitantly at first but then the vote in my favor had been encouraged by some of the members of the pack. Sam, of course, had been against it but once he'd been outvoted, he did not push the issue any further and merely stood back. With myself out of the picture when it came to the pack, Jacob had no choice but to pick a new beta and they were waiting for his announcement.

"Every single day since you left, he's dropped by to ask about you." My mother's tone was sad on the other side of the line.

"Has he?"

"There's been some friction between him and your brother." she added

"I figured." I had expected as much and knew it would happen when Seth found out about Jake. The thing about my brother, he was every bit as protective of me as I was of him.

"They'll both be happy when I tell them you called."

"You can also tell them I'm ready to come back."

"When do you get here?" I could hear her smile.

"You'll know when I walk through the door." I couldn't help but smile back.

.

* * *

**Happy Holidays to everyone no matter what country you're in or what holiday you are celebrating. And if you're not celebrating anything, then I wish you a very happy day. I'm an equal opportunity wisher of happiness. ^^**

**I will be posting a new chapter tomorrow since it's already written.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

When the plane touched down in Seattle, I was one of the first to climb out of my seat, grab my suitcase and exit the craft. It wasn't just that I'd been airborne for just about eleven hours give or take, I was dying to return home to my gray skies, misty beaches and dusky woods. There is a certain comfort attained from knowing your home like the back of your hand. Florida was fun but it was a stranger's land. La Push was my home, the home of my ancestors, generations upon generations of my people had been laid to rest on the same lands.

Returning to La Push wasn't only about returning to Jacob. I returned because I wanted to give my life a chance. I wanted to put all the pain behind me and grow as a person. Returning to La Push was about cliff diving and bonfires, it was about the way we respected our elders and the telling of our legends, it was about giving away the first drum we ever made, keeping alive our language and culture, having long miles of empty beach just to yourself, respecting nature and being spirit warriors.

As I drove back home I hoped that one day everything would work itself out to the point that Emily and I could have a chance at some sort of friendship. I wanted do see my brother grow into a man and start a family. I wanted to find a way to have a family of my own and a career that would help us and my people. I drove home full of hope.

It was ironic that it had taken a chance at death to gain life and I was dying to get home to thank Jacob for returning life to me in more ways than one. It was this I was thinking of when the radio station I was listening to started playing AC/DC Back in Black. Coincidence? Absolutely not. The universe was immensely interested in me and it never ceased to use me as a source of amusement.

I heard a loud pop and the stirring wheel jerked abruptly forcing both my hands into a painful game of tug of war. It was apparent I'd blown a tire, so I pulled over the side of the road, put the car in park and went around the back to get the spare and a jack. Wouldn't you know it, I had to unload the whole trunk in order to get out the spare. I walked around the car, placed the jack under the metal frame and raised it till it was supporting but not lifting the vehicle then I went to loosen the nuts. They would not budge.

I tried every single lug nut. I made sure I was turning them counterclockwise. I used all my strength. The suckers would not budge. They would not budge no matter how hard I pushed or no matter how much I cursed and now I was getting soaked in the icy rain. It occurred to me at that moment that when Jacob had magically appeared to take me to the movies, he had said he had fixed this car. It must have been him that tightened the lug nuts.

Son of a bitch!

The freezing rain picked up and I took the wrench with me as I climbed into the car to grab the phone from my bag. I was already close to Forks so I might as well call Charlie to either give me a lift or loosen the lug nuts for me. As luck would have it, my phone was brand new and I had no clue how to use it. All I had done was charge it before getting on the plane so now I had to sit in a soggy car and figure out how to use the touch screen to make a call.

"Hello."

"Hello? Charlie?"

"Yes?"

"Hi, it's Leah."

"Leah! I hardly recognized your voice!"

"Yeah, nice, listen I'm right outside of forks on 101 and I have a flat ti-

.:

* * *

.:

I had just asked Seth to set the table for dinner when I heard Charlie's cruiser pull into the driveway.

"Expecting company?"

"No and we're not turning him away. Behave yourself." I glared at Seth as I made my way over to the door.

"Hey! I wasn't expecting to see you today!" I stood at the doorway and wiped my hands on a dish towel as he made his way over still in his uniform.

"I wasn't planning on coming over, actually." he greeted me with a kiss as he walked into the house. "Seth."

"Hi." he called from the dining room table as he set an extra fork down.

"I need to talk to you son. Why don't you come over and have a seat by your mom."

Charlie looked like he was about to vomit and for a second I thought he might be proposing.

"This isn't going to be easy..." he cleared his throat, "but there's been an accident."

***

We had been assured that Leah was stable and in no immediate danger but that meant absolutely nothing to me as a mother. Charlie drove us to the hospital in his cruiser with the sirens blaring. The ride there was awe worthy as the moment people saw the lights and heard the sirens, they'd clear the way and pull to the side of the road. We did not stop at traffic lights or stop signs. We did not break for pedestrians and when the cruiser flew over train tracks Seth hit his head on the car roof.

Once we got to the clinic, we were not allowed to see her immediately and instead we were brought into a family room where a doctor and a nurse sat and talked to us. We had been told that she was in and out of consciousness and that she had memory gaps. Outside of those things, the bruises and swelling, she would probably be fine in a couple of days. Her memory, however, there was no telling when it might return to normal. It was going to be a waiting and guessing game.

I sat there a few minutes while I gathered myself before going to see her and I couldn't believe the things that were happening to my daughter. I still remembered bringing her home two days after giving birth. She was the tiniest thing, so warm and beautiful. As she grew older, she grew into a determined child but was very much sweet and loving as can be. Leah was the apple of her daddy's eyes and there wasn't a thing she could do that wouldn't completely amaze us.

She was six when we brought Seth from the hospital and we worried at how she would react to having a little brother and having to share the attention. We were overjoyed when she stared at him in awe and gave him the gentlest kiss on the forehead. Sometimes when we put Seth down to sleep and went to check on him a while later, we couldn't find him in his crib and we'd panic. Eventually we'd find Leah in a corner of her room cradling him and singing him a song. She loved to give him his bottle even though it made her gag when he spit up on her while she burped him.

As they grew older, there was the occasional fight and argument over a video game or whom had been into who's room but the moments only lasted so long and then things went back to normal. One time Seth came home with a black eye and Leah trailed behind with a swollen lip. I thought they had beat the tar out of each other but it turned out she'd gained a swollen lip after beating up the kid that had fought with Seth on the playground. We reprimanded them both for fighting before we went to speak to the other child's parents but that didn't stop Leah from teaching her brother how to stick up for himself and not get pushed around. There wasn't a moment when Harry and I had looked at both our children and not felt completely blessed.

Then the legends became true and both our children became spirit warriors. Harry's heart could not handle the shock and after the loss of my husband, I had to live knowing that my children exposed themselves to constant danger each day. It was the most difficult time of my life and I desperately clung to any family member I could get my hands on. I forced Leah to be friends with Emily even though I knew she was hurt. I had wanted to keep them close because the two of them had been like sisters and I couldn't bear to lose any more family members. Then when the children had spent all their time at the Cullens, I turned to Charlie for support as the loneliness became too much. He had been Harry's closest and dearest friend and getting close to Charlie was the closest I would ever get to having Harry back. Neither Billy nor the kids had been happy about the turnout of events but Charlie needed someone to care for him and I in turn needed someone to care for; it only seemed like a natural progression of things.

I gathered my bag and proceeded to Leah's room. From the break up with Sam to Emily's accident, the moment she and her brother phased, protecting hybrid children, carelessness while swimming at a lake and now trying to change tires during icy rain, it seemed that I now had a daughter that was set on hurt and pain. Some of that pain had been caused by us and I'd be damned if I allowed anyone to cause her any more emotional distress during my shift so when I walked in to see her I ordered Seth not to allow absolutely anyone else into that room outside of hospital staff and the two of us. Nobody, absolutely nobody was allowed to disturb her peace. Not Jacob, not Sam, and not Emily.

Nobody.

.

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**Chapter 35 is already written. About seven more chapters and the story is done.**


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

I stood my ground playing the role of bodyguard by my sister's room. I'd already stepped in to see her and she'd recognized me as soon as I walked in. Honestly, it had been a huge relief. She didn't remember the accident or her trip, she did however remember the flat tire and not being able to loosen the lug nuts. Yeah, it was weird but I was just thankful that she was alive. In under two months she'd given me the biggest scares of my life.

The elevator door dinged and I looked up to see Jacob step out, right away the muscles on my shoulders tensed up. Ever since the council meeting where I'd found out that not only was Leah not a part of the pack anymore but that now she was dating HIM... well, let's just say I wasn't exactly on happy terms with the alpha. I was totally fine with Leah not phasing, it was mostly us guys that loved to phase. Seriously. Once you got over the initial drama, there was nothing not to love about it. Jacob only disliked it because it had kept him away from Bella and Sam hated it because of imprinting, well, Jacob hated it because of imprinting as well but I had no beef with it. What the hell was so bad about being able to find and know exactly who was your soul mate?

My problem with Jacob was that he was getting my sister's hopes up when he knew HE might imprint. He was alpha. It was probably set in stone that he'd imprint. I was just a gamma. I might find a soul mate and then again I might not. And if I did find a soul mate while I was dating someone else, then I'd find a way to have the non-soul mate break up with me or I'd let her down gently. People broke up all the time, it wasn't a big deal. Well, except for Sam but that was only because he broke up with Leah over Emily and yeah, that's just wrong.

Besides, this whole dating within the same group of family and friends was causing a lot of conflict in our patrolling schedules. Jacob and Sam avoided patrolling together because when their thoughts started to wander, things got awkward. Jacob absolutely refused to patrol with Paul because there were things about his sister he just didn't want to know. Now it was the same between him and myself, there were things about Leah I did not want to know, much less see in a million years. Then knowing that it was my friend, my alpha and the guy that I had looked up to as a brother that was doing these things to her... I wanted to vomit.

"You can't go in."

"Excuse me?" he stopped abruptly.

"You heard me. You can't go in."

"What is this? Lord of the Rings? You cannot pass! Where's your bow and staff, Gandalf?"

"Sorry man, strict orders from my Mom not to let absolutely anyone in. She made sure to specify you by name."

"I NEED to see her!"

"Nah ah, not happening."

"Look, Seth, I understand you don't like the two of us together but-"

"Not my rules. My Mom's. You might be alpha but when it comes to HER, my mother outranks you." I stood in front of the door and folded my arms across my chest.

"This is cute and all but I WILL see her."

"Whatever man."

"Move."

"Nope."

"What's going on out there?"

.:

* * *

.:

It was Sue's voice coming from behind the door. I heard what sounded like a shower curtain being drawn back then the room door opened and she proceeded to shuffle past Seth.

"Hey Jacob." She gave me a smile.

"Hi Sue, how is she."

"She's doing well. Her antenna isn't picking up all the channels at the moment, but she'll be back to herself after a while." she hooked her arm around my own and walked me over to the waiting room where we both sat down.

"I want to see her."

"I know, but I want her to remain calm for the time being." She gave me a reassuring smile and patted my hand. "Remember last time she was here and Emily was in the same room? Remember how many people it took to calm her down?"

Yeah, I certainly remembered that scene even though I hadn't been there to witness it myself. I'd seen it through Seth's eyes and then witnessed Emily's retelling through Sam's minds. When it came to gossip and current events, television had nothing on wolf telepathy.

"What happened to her?" I hadn't been fully informed of the situation, just that she'd had a car accident and Sue's calmness about the whole thing wasn't a real sort of comfort. Calm was how she reacted to everything.

"She was close to Forks on 101 when she got a flat. She decided that she was going to change the tire even though we were getting freezing rain but you know how determined she is..."

She was determined alright. Stubborn was her middle name. Or was it Anger?

"Well, she couldn't get the lug nuts loose and stepped inside the car to call Charlie. A Suburban skidded off the road and slammed straight into Leah's car. She was just sitting on the front seat without a seatbelt so she basically got knocked around inside the vehicle. The injuries are only superficial. No fractured bones, no bruised organs. Just scrapes and bruises along her arms from the shattering glass and she knocked her head pretty hard."

As she calmly described the scene, I was watching a gruesome picture form in my mind. I heard tire wheels screeching, the sound of crunching metal ramming into steel. I saw her rock and sway inside the car, her body being slung in every which direction before falling into a heap under the dashboard, glass showering her unconscious frame. I wanted to see her, I needed to see Leah to make sure she was alright.

"Calm down." Sue patted my back and squeezed my hand. "Take it from me, she's going to be fine. You'll be able to see her in a couple days."

A couple days! She had to be kidding me!

"She's having some trouble with a couple words here and there. You know, remembering the name of things, but she'll come through. I'm just trying to keep her from getting upset right now. You can understand that, right?"

I didn't want to understand and I didn't want to accept but right now it was the only choice. I said goodbye to Sue and asked for Leah to be told I'd dropped by to see her. Then I got on the elevator and left.

.:

* * *

.:

I was glad I didn't remember the accident. From what I'd seen in movies and heard people describe, those things were traumatizing and gave you nightmares and I for one, wanted none of those thank you very much. Besides not remembering the accident, I wasn't sure of what I remembered or not. I knew how to count and I knew the alphabet, phone numbers scrolled through my brain and I could recite the periodic table by heart. When we got home, Mom asked if I wanted anything to eat, which I did. I knew exactly what I was craving.

"I want the square bread that you put into the thing and it's crunchy."

"You mean toast?" she gave me a weird look.

"Toast!" A ha! So I did have memory loss!

"Crunchy bread is called toast, Leah. Do you know the name of the machine it's made in?"

"Cruncher?" My reply was followed by Seth's snorts.

"Toaster, sweetie."

"Whatever." I hunched my shoulders. "Crunchy bread with butter. I'd like that." I said walking over to my brother and smacking him upside the head.

"Well, she obviously remembers violence." Seth rubbed his head.

"You know, sweetie, sometime during the week your friends are going to want to drop by if that's alright with you."

"Sure, who? Brennan? Kelsey? Abigail?"

"Um, not the friends I was thinking of." Mom took the butter from the fridge.

" Quil?"

"One out of... whatever, that's pretty bad." Seth stared at the toaster.

"I like Quil. I think." I rolled my eyes upwards trying to think. "I remember his name but can't remember what he looks like. Is he tall and brown?"

"Congratulations, you just described every male on the reservation." my brother forced the bread from the toaster.

"I remember names but don't have faces to go along. This is so weird." I snatched the toast from Seth's hand as it was making it's way into his mouth.

***

It was night and I was tired of being in my room. I'd tried stepping into the living room to watch television but something about the couch bothered me so I decided to step outside instead. The air was cool and crisp as I sat on the top steps and stared up at the bright sky. It was a pretty evening with a huge full moon and I felt content enough that I softly hummed a Quileute song while keeping beat with both my feet. Yeah, I couldn't remember the toaster but I could remember Quileute songs, go me! Halfway through, I forgot the lyrics but continued humming and tapping anyway while I looked up at the sky. The soft breeze made me shiver and I was about to go back inside when I heard rummaging coming from the wooded area in front of me. I thought it might be a squirrel or a chipmunk but was surprised when a tall guy without a shirt strode onto my backyard.

"The hell?"

Ok, what do I do? What do I do? Run into the house and lock the door! Move feet, move! But the feet refused to move. I was glued to the stairs staring at a shirtless guy that was standing there frozen, staring at me. He must have been the village idiot, though, because it was friggin' winter and he was not wearing a shirt. Even a thief would have worn a shirt. Maybe he was the town drunk? The hell if I knew whom he was or what he was doing standing there with his hands balled into fists.

Something about him though, reminded me of my brother, for some reason or other. Maybe he was a friend? In the middle of the night? What the hell was wrong with me that I thought this was completely normal? And why wasn't I scared shitless but felt curious and very much interested instead? Once again I entertained the idea of friendship in my head. Mom had said friends would be eventually dropping over and he looked sort of goofy just standing there with his eyes glazed over. He was tall and brown...

"Quil?" I questioned but the big goof just marched, no, stomped back into the woods and I ran into the house and glued myself to the window after twisting every single lock on the back door.

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* * *

**Chapter 36 is partially written. I just don't feel like writing if the site is going to fail me and I'm tired of reporting malfunctions to them. When the site fails me I feel like I have no readers and writing when nobody will read is like pantomiming for a room of blind people. Yeah, I'm not into being politically correct. It's just so sad waking up to an empty email inbox! (T_T)**

**I'm going to have to sift through the comments directly on the site, hopefully someone has read! Then I'm going to listen to some Bitter:Sweet. The Mating Game puts me in a good mood. ^^**


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

I raced all the way to Embry's house and climbed over the neighbor's fence in order to get into his backyard. Once there I counted the windows, the third from the left belonged to his bedroom and I tapped on it a couple times to get his attention. When he wouldn't answer, I tapped harder and by the third try, I began to bang on the glass so hard that it might actually break.

"WHAT!" he scream-whispered pushing up the window and talking through the screen. "It's two in the friggin' morning, Jake. Want to keep it down before you wake my mom?" he groaned.

"Look, you either come out or let me in."

"You're sweating like a dog and look like shit." he mumbled while popping out the screen and climbing out the window.

"Shit, shit, shit." I paced back and forth. I was frustrated, jittery, volatile... I was feeling too many emotions at the same time and felt I would explode at any moment.

"You keep saying shit over and over. Something on your mind? Constipation perhaps?"

"I think I just. No. I KNOW I just imprinted."

"Whoa dude." Embry raised both his hands, palms facing me and backed away. "We've been friends forever and I like you, Jake, just not that way. I refuse the imprint. There I said it. Wasn't that hard. I thought refusing an imprint was supposed to be a lot harder.

"Shut up you asshole!" I grabbed him by the front of the shirt and shook him like a rag doll.

"Hey, you show up at my house beating down my window, you say shit over and over then you stand there looking like an idiot and you tell me that you imprint. What the hell am I supposed to think without all the proper info?" he smiled and I thought of knocking out his teeth.

I paced back and forth in his yard trying to make sense of things. I'd been running around for hours trying to understand things on my own but I hadn't been able to figure out a single thing so I came to talk to my best friend and succeeded only into getting made a fool of.

"So are you going to tell me what happened or am I going to have to explain to my mom why there's a big track of dead grass on the back lawn?"

"I don't know what happened! I mean, I saw her and I couldn't fight it. You remember when we were kids and we took my dad's leaf blower and aimed it at our faces? No imagine if a leaf blower sucked as hard as it blew..."

"Are you high?"

"No! Listen to me! That's what it felt like. It was like my whole consciousness was sucked in her direction. All my thoughts, all my feelings, it was like... shit, I don't know what it was like, I can't describe it."

"And who's this she?"

"Leah."

"CLEARWATER?!"

"Clearwater."

"Holy shit!"

***

The humming of the microwave was replaced by it's intermittent beeps and Embry opened the door to reveal a couple dozen chicken pastries on top of a napkin.

"I still don't get what you're so hung up about." he said popping two into his mouth. "If you were already dating then what's the problem? She likes you, you like her. Get married and have puppies or whatever. Wait, she can't have babies, can she. Is that the problem cause you can always adopt or borrow or whatever."

"God, you're a moron." I rubbed my whole hand up and down my face. Pretty soon I was going to lose control, phase and wreck his whole kitchen. His mom would do the job for me and kill him on the spot. "Can't you see how wrong this is?"

"Obviously not."

"She mistook me for Quil. Quil of all people! She has no memory, you moron. It's friggin' wrong. She doesn't remember us, the concepts of phasing or imprinting. I have this friggin' urge to be with her all the time. Even right now it's pulling at me and I can't just go and hang out and be friends. I can't shower her with attention and pretend nothing is going on! It would feel like I'm trying to deceive her. She doesn't know... she doesn't understand."

"Seth said it was only temporary. Eventually she'll come through."

"What if it isn't. What if she doesn't want me?"

"She wanted you before, why wouldn't she want you now?"

"Because she's friggin' Leah Clearwater!"

"Your point is valid but I still say you're stressing over nothing when you should be celebrating instead."

"You can be so dense sometimes. I should have gone talked to Quil instead."

"Quil? Nice. He's probably sleeping under Strawberry Shortcake sheets right now."

"Yours are Star Wars." I snorted.

"So? At least I sleep on a real bed with a real mattress that I actually fit in."

"When you don't sneak out you sneak them in now? What the heck is going on, Embry?" Mrs. Call walked into the kitchen wearing pink socks and wrapped in a bathrobe.

"Jacob is having girl problems..."

"Alright, who'd you get pregnant?"

"What? It's not like that Mrs. Call."

"What do you mean it's not like that. You're standing in my kitchen, eating straight from the microwave without even a plate, you're sweaty, half naked and it's five in the morning... oh my god!"

"I'M NOT GAY, MOM!"

"I gotta go. Thanks for breakfast. Nice seeing you again, Mrs. Call."

.:

* * *

.:

"You're up early."

"I hardly got any sleep last night." I rubbed my temples.

"Headache? I got your prescription yesterday while you napped. Forgot to tell you."

"And I'm the one with amnesia?"

"Mornin'." Seth emerged from his room with the covers marked on his face.

"I think one of your friends dropped by last night." I swallowed one of the pills Mom set on the counter for me.

"Which one?"

"I don't know. He didn't say a word."

"Then how did you know he was my friend?"

"He wore cut off shorts and walked around shirtless like you do."

"What did he look like, specifically?"

"Super tall, brown, very good looking, abs you could do laundry on, short hair..."

"Wow, except for the good looking part, that could have been anyone of them." he took my glass of juice for himself. "We're going to need to work on your description skills."

"We're going to need to get your friend to understand the danger of walking around half naked during winter. Frostbite is very real and so is hypothermia, once the uncontrollable shaking starts..." it suddenly dawned on me, "OH MY GOD! I HAVE SCHOOL! IF I DON'T GO TO CLASS I'M GOING TO FAIL AND IF I DON'T GO TO WORK I'M GOING TO GET FIRED!" I got up and scrambled.

"Leah! Sweetie, relax!"

"How can I relax?"

"Dr. Carlisle wrote you a medical note and made some phone calls. You'll be able to take any tests you missed and return to class by the end of the week and your hostess job will be there too. Relax sweetie."

"God, I just remembered that! I'd completely forgotten!"

"That's why they call it amnesia. Many things will come back to you just like that. You'll remember many strange and unbelievable things but you have to remember to stay calm."

"The car was totaled. How am I supposed to return to work? Shit! My books! My books were in the back seat!"

"We got them and everything else out of the car plus we had insurance, hon. You'll get a rental until they give us a check for the car."

"Oh my god, this is so stressful!" I groaned and lay my head on the table. "And every single time I fell asleep last night I dreamt with wolves the size of horses. At some point I was even one of the wolves and I could hear other people's voices in my head... do you know what it's like to dream you're a wolf with schizophrenia?"

"This is going to get interesting very soon." Seth set the empty glass on the counter before walking back into his room and closing the door.

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**Seems like I still have readers despite the fuck-up fairy paying the site daily visits. Woohoo! ^^  
**

**Congrats to Jada91 who pointed out that someone imprinted on Leah during the end of the last chapter.^^**

**Guys, I usually update every day unless I state I won't be able to or my internet dies. Pointing it out because we're so close to the end and the site just keeps fucking up! Right now it seems the story will have 42 chapters unless one of them is too short or too long.  
**

**Chapter 37 is already written. Come back tomorrow, you hear? \(^_^)/**


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

I took a nap half way through the morning and then a hot shower which I used to inspect every single wound I now wore. Considering the accident it had been explained to me I'd had, these were nothing, but to me it looked like I'd been locked in a cage with one angry cat. Surprisingly though, my face remained intact save for a huge bruise on my forehead and another one on a cheek bone. I did have to be careful while washing my hair. All the shattered glass had apparently landed on my head and now I had tiny scattered cuts on my scalp. Every so often I felt something poke me and I would dig out another glass fragment. While this wasn't fun in the least bit, it was somewhat entertaining in a sick way.

During lunch time, Emily had visited and I had greeted her in a civil manner. This didn't mean I acted happy and chatty with her. I engaged in very small talk before leaving her with my mom and courteously excusing myself to my room where I used the time to give my biology book a glance over. While I couldn't remember the whole ordeal with Emily, I could remember that she had taken my boyfriend as her lover and that somehow he'd scarred her face. There were many pieces missing to this puzzle but the pieces that were available to me gave me a clear enough picture to go on and it was clear that she and I were not on a friendship level and our status was more that of neighborly acquaintances.

While trying to concentrate on my book, my mind kept wandering to the guy from the night before. From what I had seen, he was hot as hell. Too bad he was a fool though. But man, what a good looking fool. I couldn't concentrate on biology so I took out the math book and busied myself working out some problems. Math was really easy and a subject I loved. As long as you could follow instructions math was a walk in the park and after a while of not feeling too challenged, I got bored and took another nap. It wasn't that I was lazy or anything, the pills made me drowsy. That was my excuse anyway, and I was sticking to it.

During my nap I had a dream about the half naked guy. In said dream I was engaged in oral activities with him. You can imagine my complete and utter surprise when I walked out my room and found him sitting on my couch talking with my Mom. I could have choked on my own spit and I'm pretty sure I blushed.

"Oh, you're up honey! Look who came to see you."

Me? He came to see me? I must have been a very good girl this year. Wait. It wasn't Christmas.

"Uh, hi."

"I'll leave you two while I go check on dinner. You're staying for dinner right?"

He nodded to her and I just stood there like an idiot. It was awkward as hell, but I managed to walk over and sit on the other end of the couch. Hell, if he was here to see me, I wasn't going to complain.

"Quil, right?" I asked and he gave me a look like I'd just kicked a puppy.

"Jacob, actually."

"Sorry! I can't seem to be able to match faces to the names." I felt stupid. "My head is full of names, yes. Faces to go along. No. You were outside last night, right?"

"Uh, yeah, long story though."

"Oh. Ok. You are Seth's friend, right." Ok, what was wrong with me and why did I keep ending sentences with the word right? And why was I so attracted to him besides the obvious reasons.

"I'm your friend too." Something about the way he said it sent goose bumps flying up my arms.

He looked so much better here under good light and even with a teal t-shirt on, I could make out most his muscles. Hell, I could name each one of them too. There was the pectoralis major, trapezius, deltoid, external intercostals ...

"Are you ok, you seem... lost."

"Sorry. Happens a lot lately." I could feel my ears on fire. Was I blushing? Holy crap. Who was this guy and what was he doing to me? I felt like a kid in a candy store. I felt giddy, excited and awkward all at the same time.

"Dinner's ready!" Mom called from the kitchen and we got up to join her.

After our meal, Jacob invited me for a short walk and I agreed. I'd have been crazy to say no. We talked about non-important things for a while and then the talk turned back to the accident.

"You don't remember much, huh."

"No. Well, it actually depends on what you mean though. I mean, I remember lots of things, it's just stuff here and there that I can't remember. And it gets weird if you try to remember if there is something missing that you should remember... am I making sense?"

"Completely." He nodded and shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "You don't remember me or us, I mean, do you."

I shook my head no as we continued walking.

"That's ok. I'm not going to push you into remembering anything. Things will come to you." he gave me a smile and I thought it was the best smile in the world. "If you're confused or something about anything, just ask and I'll do my best to explain."

"Aren't you cold?" I looked at his bare arms.

"No. You?"

"Just a little." I didn't even finish the sentence when he had wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close.

"Better?"

Better? Holy shit you had to be kidding me! The man was like a walking, talking furnace.

"I'll take you home before you freeze and your mom or brother kill me."

"Guitar Hero!"

"What?"

"Guitar Hero! I've played Guitar Hero with you, I remember!"

"Yeah, we've played." He gave me such a big smile that I thought it must have made his face hurt. His smile made me smile as well. We turned around and began walking home. It didn't feel strange having his arms around me. Nothing about him felt strange anymore and that was weird.

***

The next couple of days came and went pretty fast. Time really does fly when you are busy and it completely stalls when you are not. I was so busy getting my life in order that I didn't even have time to remember what things I had forgotten and which things I had not.

Jacob dropped by daily and never stayed too long, though I will admit I didn't think anytime he spent with me was too much. I loved the way I felt around him. When he was around I felt safe and understood. When I spoke, he hung to every word and he paid so much attention to me that it was as if he understood the meaning behind every single blink of an eye or facial expression I made. It was the same way with me though. All he had to do was show up at my house and I'd drop anything and everything to rush and see him.

Slowly, I began remembering things about him. He had a garage in his house and he liked to fix things. His dad was chief. He was a senior in high school and had failed a grade because he'd been absent too much. One day I remembered a girl and asked him about her.

"You were Bella Swan's boyfriend?"

"Yes and no." he gave me a sad look. "I'm a guy and I was her friend, yes, but Bella and I were never a couple. So in a sense I was and wasn't her boyfriend."

I wanted to ask about us. What we were in the past and what we were now, but I thought I might be disappointed by the answer so I didn't touch the subject again.

College and work took up most of my time. The insurance had kicked in and they gave me a small, white rental car for a couple weeks till the paperwork was done and I could go with Mom to get a new car. I drove to and from Forks three times a week and I had to call my mother when I left home, when I got to my destination and when I was returning. It kind of felt like I was living with my parole officer.

Work was going well. The first few days back, I'd worn a ton of make-up to hide the bruising and some people still managed to stare. I was quick to point out that I had been in a car accident though because people always seemed to be melodramatic and liked to imagine I was the victim of domestic violence.

College was going really well too. I'd only managed to miss one math test and I made it up right away. Got a perfect score too. Biology on the other hand, took me a little longer to catch up to, but Brennan was a nice guy and helped me out.

Except for the lack of memory I wasn't aware I was lacking, things were pretty good.

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**Chapter 38 has been written and will be posted tomorrow but I have a question for you guys...**

**Very last two chapters (39 and 40), do you want them posted on the same day or do you want them posted as usual? I have to warn you though, next to last chapter ( ch. 39) will make you want to punch the computer screen and/or kick the cat. Drop me a line and let me know how you want them posted. Majority wins (_depending on my mood_.)**


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

It all came to me one Sunday morning as I was getting out of bed. The temperature was above normal for a Spring morning and I commented to myself that I had not felt this hot since I had phased. Everything, absolutely everything came to me like a ton of bricks falling from the sky. From Sam disappearing for two weeks to Emily's fateful visit, my brother and I phasing, Bella, the Cullens, patrols, Volturi, Renesmee... not a single detail was spared. As I lay there in bed, it felt like my mind had turned to mush. It was like someone had cracked my skull open and tried shoving it full of things, except they had overstuffed it and now the skull wouldn't close.

My head stung, it burned with pain so strong that I had to run to the bathroom and vomit. I went to the kitchen for a glass of water and found that my fingertips tingled and my lips felt numb. Even though I had no idea what was going on and I was scared, I rushed to my room and locked the door behind me. The realization of all that recently happened was too much to take in at once.

I was overcome by anger and by fear. I was indignant, infuriated by everything around me and I was terrified of losing control of my life. The knowledge that I had spent weeks with a blank memory only fueled the fire. The thought of people talking about me, gossiping about god knows what, it filled me with resentment. It killed me that I'd spent sixty-some days without phasing and still had no sign of working ovaries.

The memories from the accident filled my head. I remembered talking to Charlie as I picked a piece of lint from my sweater. There had been no screeching tires, no tell sign or warning of any sort before I heard the loudest sound I'd heard in my life. There was no time to register the sound or where it came from before I was flying inside my own vehicle. I felt like a marble inside a glass jar, bouncing and rolling around without a way to stop. My hands and body were facing in different directions and I could not tell which way was up and which was down. I landed on the space between the dashboard and the front seat, on the floor as glass shattered and rained over my body. I could not move and everything hurt as I lay in a heap. It felt like somebody had tied me up inside a bag and then beat me with a baseball bat. The voice of a paramedic brought me back as he constantly reassured me that I would be alright.

I lay in bed shattered trying to make sense of my life. I had returned from Florida so full of hopes and it had taken a simple flat tire to throw me a mile back from where I'd started. Somehow I had to find the strength to move on but it seemed nothing but futile. It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried, life was set on kicking me in the ass.

***

I walked to the cliffs using the views as an excuse but I had no idea what I wanted or was searching for exactly. I thought about Jacob and how my feelings for him had been so much stronger than they'd ever been before. It terrified me to feel this way for anyone especially because I had never held so many emotions for one single person. The only guy I had ever fallen in love with was Sam and even though he'd been the love of my life, I'd never felt with him some of the things I now felt for Jacob. Maybe I was so desperate for love and affection that I had become obsessed with him.

Jake had promised not to hurt me but I'd decided to interpret that in so many different ways. Holding so many expectations for one person was unfair to them and it only served to set me up for instant heartbreak. A drop of cold water landed on me and brought me back to reality. I looked up in anger at the heavens and was surprised to find a very wet Jacob hovering over me.

"You were lost again."

"Jake!" I jumped up and into his arms. I didn't care that he was soaking wet or that his hair was dripping on me. I was so happy to see him again and actually remember him.

"You're acting like you haven't seen me since forever. Not that I'm complaining or anything. I'm perfectly happy if you react like this every time you see me." he grinned.

"I haven't seen you since Florida." his hug was crushing but I did not care. "At least... god, you know what I mean!"

"You remember now?"

"Everything." I nodded into his chest and held him tighter.

Standing there while I was being held captive in his arms was like riding a rollercoaster. There was this total fear mixed with wonder and amazement. When our eyes locked I was terrified yet enthralled. All the emotions I was feeling came tied to this person and all these sentiments were overpowering, too strong and too sudden.

What I had felt for him when we patrolled at the Cullens felt like nothing compared to what I was feeling now. I was scared stiff, paralyzed, petrified at the realization that I had allowed myself to fall hopelessly in love with him. My heart cried when I thought about imprinting. He'd eventually imprint and leave me. I knew I would not be able to handle it. I would not survive it this time. Already it was too strong and I couldn't even fathom what would happen if it was even possible for these emotions to get stronger. I had to break up with him, I had to put an end to this before it was too late.

"What's wrong?" he pulled me back and studied my face. "Leah, what is wrong!"

I was crying so hard I could barely see. Whomever had said it was better to have love and lost than never loved at all was an insolent bastard of epic magnitude. Better to have love and lost? No! You can't crave what you've never had, you can't reminisce about what you've never experienced. You can't beat yourself over what went wrong and how to fix it.

Ignorance is a bliss. Now that's a saying you could rely on. Not having any memory had given me the most peaceful days in years. Not being aware of the heartbreak that would ensue, not being aware of the pain that had passed... I longed for that again.

"Leah?"

"We have to stop, Jake."

"What? Stop what?"

"This. We can't see each other anymore."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I can't handle it. It's too much, too strong. I've never felt this way before..."

"So you want to kick me away?!" his eyes turned wild with indignation. "Do you hear yourself when you talk?!"

"I WON'T BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THIS WHEN YOU IMPRINT! Can't you understand? I can't go through this heartbreak again. I'm in over my head. You're always in my fucking head. I can't stop thinking about you, ever. You'll imprint and you'll leave me and then what? What am I supposed to do with this? Do I shrug my shoulders and move on? Will I be a bridesmaid at your wedding too? What? WHAT THEN?!"

"I already imprinted, Lee." his voice was deep and scratchy.

I felt like the rug had been taken from under my feet. I wanted to walk away but the ground below me moved like the floor at a fun house. Air would not fill my lungs because my throat had glued itself shut.

He had imprinted while I was away. He wasn't mine. I'd lost him. He would only be my friend now...

"I imprinted on YOU."

My knees went cold and numb as he held me in place. This was a cruel game he was playing and I wanted to phase and tear his heart from his chest. I was trembling in his hands and thought I would vomit.

"Lee, listen to me. You remember. You were sitting on the backstairs of your house, you were humming, you called me Quil..."

I did remember. He had stared at me like an idiot. He hadn't moved. Not even blinked.

"Oh god!" I sobbed. My knees wouldn't hold me up and he held me in place. It was so painfully obvious from the beginning, how could I have missed all the fucking signs. He managed to always know what I needed, he seemed to mysteriously appear when I was lonely or sad, he knew the precise moment to hug me, knew my every thought, hung to my every word... an imprint became exactly what that person needed and for some time now, he'd been practically on his knees at my beg and call.

"It doesn't make sense, Jake! Imprinting is love at first sight, you've known me your whole life. We've been around each other since you phased, since I phased..."

"You were a wolf and so was I. Maybe two wolves can't imprint on each other, Lee. Think about it. When I phased for the first time it was in February. You phased for the first time in March and I hadn't seen you since the spaghetti dinner in January. We were both wolves then, it wouldn't have happened."

I thought back to my first day out of the hospital when I had been in a comma. I hadn't phased in over seventeen days and when I first saw him... that pull. I had attributed it to medications and exhaustion, maybe it hadn't been. Maybe nature had been trying to give me a signal.

"But imprinting is about procreation! It's about who's better suited to make stronger children. I can't have children, Jacob. I'm barren. I'm dead inside. My organs don't work."

"How do you know? Have you been checked? How do you know imprinting is about children? How do you know it's not about companionship?"

No matter which way we argued, him imprinting on me did not seem possible. It seemed wrong and I was reluctant to accept it. I didn't want him to turn into a stupid slave like Sam behaved around Emily. Jacob had never wanted to imprint.

"This is wrong. This is so wrong. You never wanted to imprint. You were adamant about it. You said it yourself that imprinting was just another way of having your choices taken away from you." I wiped the tears from my face but they wouldn't stop coming. "I'll phase back. I'll release you, if two wolves can't imprint..."

"What are you talking about! Did you lose your sanity when you regained your memory?" he took my hand and traced circles on my palm, "I had chosen you already before I imprinted. I'd been thinking about you more and more at the Cullen's. Back then we were phasing daily. Sometimes we spent days phased, remember? What you did at the lake crushed me and I had plenty time to think things over when you were in a comma. I was there every single day. Nobody asked me to be there in the first place. I was there because I wanted to be. I chose you, Leah. And you had already chosen me."

I was lost, confused. It was too much for a single day. My head throbbed, my throat hurt and my eyes stung.

.:

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.:

Why couldn't I just be enough for anyone? What the hell! Bella chose a walking corpse and death over me. Leah would rather remain with nothing than be with me. What the hell could be so absolutely wrong with me that I could even get rejected by an imprint?

I held her firmly in place and softly turned her head to face me. Her face was tearstained, her eyes were bloodshot and though I wasn't crying, it didn't mean I wasn't hurting as much as her.

"I promised I would never hurt you. I thought you could be happy with me but instead, here you are bawling. Tell me what you want from me. Tell me what you need! I'll be your friend, your lover, your confidant. Tell me what you want, Leah! I'll fight it. It might kill me but I'll fight it if that's what you want. I'll even leave the country if that's what it takes. Tell me what to do, Lee!"

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**Great, the alerts thing is broken again. I swear it aggravates me to hell and back. **

**Ok guys, I tabulated the score and this story ends tomorrow with two chapters at once. It will be a definite end. No cliffhangers, no open ending, nothing of the sort.**

**Please review. Don't give up now!  
**


	39. Chapter 39

**Thank you so much for taking time to read this story and encouraging me to constantly tap my fingers across the keyboard. It was fun while it lasted and those reviews made me smile till my face hurt. And if you just found this story, feel free to drop reviews into my inbox even a year from now. I'm sure I'll enjoy them just as much.**

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**Chapter 39**

It was in May, when Jake was graduating, that I found out I was pregnant. At first he wouldn't believe me but I took no offense to it since I almost couldn't believe it myself. It had taken a trip to the doctor and a sonogram for me to finally believe it and we'd taken the little printout they gave us at the office and used it to break the news to our parents. Shock is not even the tip of the iceberg, Billy almost walked, Seth had to run outside to phase and my mother almost had a heart attack when we told them but it all worked out in the end.

Labor too came as a complete shock. I was having a hard night and sleeping was not something that came easy during the last stages of pregnancy. The baby slept most of the day but when I lay down, sleep time turned into party time for it. A couple times I swore the child kicked my liver and twisted my intestines. I had to sleep in a semi-upright position or suffer shortness of breath and my feet had to be elevated. Every single night, bedtime was a struggle but towards three in the morning I had finally managed to fall asleep to the sounds of Jake's peaceful snoring.. It wasn't a very peaceful slumber though. I had been dreaming that I was desperately looking for a restroom and every single time I sat down on the toilet, someone would disturb me and I'd have to get up and walk away to begin my search all over.

Towards four in the morning I awoke to wet underpants. Not fun and definitely not funny. I was horrified to find out that I'd wet myself at my age, in my sleep. Slowly, I got out of bed and stepped into the bathroom where I took a warm shower before going back to bed. Once again I fell asleep and awoke to wet underpants. I was beyond mortified at my inability to stay dry and this time when I made it out of bed and stood upright, a steady stream of water trickled down my legs and onto the floor boards. This was definitely not me having an accident.

"Jake?"

"Hmm."

"Jake?!"

"Huh?" he rolled onto his other side and took the pillow with him.

"JACOB!"

"WHAT!" he sat up in bed.

"My water broke!" I didn't need to say a single thing more. There was no talk of contractions, no breathing exercises, nothing. He slipped on a shirt and a pair of shorts, slung my overnight bag on his arm and carried me to the car. We were already on our way when we called the doctor. There was no talking and no words of encouragement on our way to the hospital, only his hand tight around mine and the soft kisses he planted on my palm as he drove. There was only fear and concern in our minds as we made our way to the clinic; my water had broken too early and the due date was still far away.

***

I lay in bed with nothing but a blue-spotted paper gown and white socks. A fetal monitor was around my swollen abdomen and attached to my finger was a plastic device that kept record of my own heartbeat. The contractions were painful and closer together as time went by but I accepted no medication to stop the pain. I'd been through worse in my life and the only thing I needed was Jake by my side until it was time to push. I was selfish and wanted this moment to myself and had forbidden Jacob from calling anyone and informing them of my labor. When the baby was born, then we'd call and share, not before. I had also very selfishly not wanted Jake in the delivery room with me. This child was something I'd wanted more than life itself and I didn't want to share with anybody, harsh as it seemed.

As the contractions grew closer together, my pain increased and several times I was offered an epidural, at some point, I grew so angry at the offer that I growled and Jacob quickly escorted the anesthesiologist out the room. I wanted this pain. I wanted to feel it and memorize it, I needed the whole birthing experience. For years I'd suffered pain with no rewards but this time all the pain and suffering would be rewarded with a tiny bundle of joy. My cervix was slow to dilate but finally, it was time to push and Jake kissed me as they wheeled me to the birthing room.

It is not easy to push when you're already in pain, especially if the pushing causes even more hurt but I was determined to hold my child and see it's face for the first time. Every time I was instructed to do so, I gripped my knees and pushed like my life depended on it. I pushed and bore down with every single ounce of strength I had in me. I pushed, grunted and swore but no matter what I wanted and no matter how much I tried, the labor was not progressing and the baby wouldn't come.

The nurses encouraged me and told me this was normal for first time births but then we lost the baby's heartbeat. For a few seconds the only heartbeat echoing in the room was my own but then the baby's quickly followed suit. The air was thick and tense as I tried pushing a couple more times but nothing seemed to happen. The baby's heartbeat dropped off the monitor again and I winced in pain as the doctor pushed his hand inside me to check for the head. An exchange of glances between the doctor and the nurses sent me into a state of panic.

"What's going on? Why is there no heartbeat?"

"I'm sorry, Leah. The baby can't withstand continued labor."

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

"I think the baby has the umbilical cord wrapped around it's neck." he stood up and the nurses began working in a controlled frenzy, "We're losing the baby, we have to do an emergency c-section."

"JAKE! JAKE! GET JACOB IN HERE!" I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe and my whole body shook and trembled. "JAKE!"

The anesthesiologist came into the room as they were pulling off my nightgown and wiping my abdomen with sponges soaked in a rusty red liquid. I stared at the baby's heart monitor with the hopes of hearing the tiny heartbeats, but it was silent. The only thing I heard was my own heart muffled between sobs. The last sound I heard was Jacob's muffled voice in the hall as they told him the news. The cold sponges on my abdomen were the last things I felt as they knocked me unconscious.

***

I awoke feeling nothing but pain and total emptiness. The curtains were drawn closed in the pale green room. A room that reminded me of Emily's when she had miscarried. There were no balloons, no flowers, no cards and no smiling faces. Just me in a semi-upright position and Jacob asleep by my side, his head resting on the hard mattress below me.

My jaw trembled as I took in my surroundings. There was no laughter, no crying child, no warm hugs or kisses. This room was as cold, sterile and barren as my womb. I wept in silence. I didn't have the will or strength to fight anymore. All the suffering I'd done, all the hopes I'd held, all the dreams I'd put together, everything had vanished in a matter of minutes. My entire world had come crashing down.

I thought back to the moment I'd found out I was pregnant, to that very first time I had seen it's tiny heart beating on the monitor. Remembered Billy's face and speech when he'd found out he was going to be a grandfather for the first time. I'd changed my whole life for this baby and lived only for it. All the food in our house had to be organic. I'd stopped using any sort of chemical, thrown out shampoos and lotions, tossed every cleaner in the house. I treated my unborn child like it was god's gift to mankind.

We never missed a doctor's appointment, never skipped a single birthing or parenting class. At the baby shower all the presents had been white, pale green or yellow because I'd refused to find out the baby's sex. I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl or the color of it's eyes and hair. All I wanted was to cradle it in my arms and sing it to sleep and instead, I now I lied in a sterile room with empty arms and aching breasts.

While I was pregnant I didn't stop working or going to school. I had wanted it all and pushed myself to strive for my goals. Maybe if I had relaxed more, I'd have carried the baby to full term. Maybe if I'd spent less time on my feet and more time lying down I'd still be at home trying to sleep while Jake snored besides me. If I hadn't stressed myself the baby wouldn't have got caught in it's own umbilical cord. If I'd learned to be patient maybe none of this would have happened.

I'd come all this way to lose the baby at the very end. We never made it to the finish line, we never made it past GO, we never even made it to Boardwalk or Park Place, we landed on chance and went straight to jail. Where are maternal instincts when you need them? I should have known something was wrong with the baby, I should have felt it. I should have asked for a c-section instead of opting for a vaginal delivery. If I'd gotten the epidural maybe the baby wouldn't have been stressed out.

My being selfish had made us lose everything and now I didn't even know the sex of the child. Had it been a girl with her father's eyes? A boy with his father's smile? Did she have Jacob's russet skin?

A piercing sob broke through my chest and I wailed. The incision in my abdomen sent pain shooting up my body as I sobbed uncontrollably. Next to me, Jacob awoke and pressed the call button as he tried to soothe me but I could not hear him nor did I want to. I wanted to see the baby that had been torn from me. I wanted to cradle it's lifeless body and die with it too. I wanted to crawl into the darkest abyss in the deepest pits on the farthest recess of hell and die there. None of the pain I had ever experienced in my lifetime could come close to what I was feeling at the moment. Nothing.

Jacob held and kissed me, he whispered in my ear but I paid no attention. I had lost his baby and I would never forgive myself. I heard him rush out the room before he ran back in and held me tight. Over and over he whispered in my ear but I could not understand. In between sobs I could hear steps approaching up the hall preceded by the squeaking wheels of a cart. They were coming to sedate me, to knock me unconscious again and I wondered what else I'd find out I'd lost the next time I awoke.

I closed my eyes and waited for the tug at the I.V. line attached to my arm. I waited for the numbing sensation to take over me but it didn't happen. Instead I felt a new heaviness on my chest. A warmth I had never felt before, a smell I had never sensed.

"Lee?" Jacob's voice faltered before he softly called out my name again, "Lee?"

I opened my eyes to be greeted with a tiny white cocoon, from its top a tiny pink face peeked out, a blue beanie on it's head. His eyes were swollen and his mouth was neatly pressed into a fleshy triangle as he tried to squirm inside his blanket encasing.

I sobbed with my son in my arms. I let go of all the pain and frustration, I kicked away the grief as I held him close to my chest, brought my face down and breathed him in. He was beautiful, a split image of his father, perfect in every way and form.

Never had I known such love for anything in the world. Never had I held such high hopes. I bawled and blubbered as Jacob softly planted kisses all over my face. I cried and laughed at the same time and nearly died when my son opened his tiny mouth and yawned.

***

"What are you going to name our son?" he asked while cradling him. "We have to name him before they get here."

"I don't have any baby names." I told him. "I wanted you to name him."

"Me?"

I nodded and smiled with swollen eyes from crying.

"Ok then." he stared at his son for a while with a furrowed brow. "You know, from experience, no matter what you name a kid, someone will find a way to shorten it. How about we forgo all of it and just call him Jake?"

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**Chapter 40**

"Dad?" Four year old Jake walked down the hall into the living room where his dad was working on something he had spread out over the coffee table, tiny screws and washers in neat piles on top of paper.

"Hmm? I thought I told you to go to bed."

"I can't sleep!" Jake walked closer and stared at his father's homework project.

"Have you tried lying down and keeping your eyes closed?" Jacob narrowed his eyes as he looked at his son.

"Tell me that story again."

"Which one?"

"The one about the three wives."

"You mean the legend of Taha Aki and the third wife." Jacob put down his project, lifted his son off the ground and carried him back to the room where he put him back in bed.

"Sure, sure. That one. When I grow up I'm going to have three wives and all three of them are going to be my soul mates."

"Well, when I grow up," Lily burst into the room and climbed onto her older brother's bed, "I'm going to have four husbands and all of them will be my soul mates."

"What?!" Jacob was genuinely shocked.

"Well if he can have three wives why can't I have four husbands?"

"Have fun explaining that to her." Leah walked into the room and kissed her husband.

"What about me, mom. Where's my kiss?" Jake sat up in bed and furrowed his brow.

"Me too, mommy! Kiss me too! But I want two kisses!"

"Who loves you more than anything?" Leah asked as she gave each child a kiss.

"Grandpa Billy!"

"Wow, so much for that..." Leah gave Lily an extra kiss. "Your dad spoils them rotten, Jacob."

"Grandpa Billy rammed Jake on the shins yesterday!" Lily tattled on her brother.

"Probably served him right too." Jacob laughed and pulled Leah close. "And where are you off to?"

"Patrol tonight, remember? You put me on the schedule with Jared."

"Hmm, I'm going to have to rethink that schedule." he playfully nipped at Leah's waist. "Want to do something tomorrow. Just the two of us?

"I have two patients before noon."

"Aw come on Lee, it's Saturday!"

"She's not Lee, daddy! I'm Lee!" the youngest child pulled at her father's t-shirt sleeves.

"You're Lily, sweetheart. Mommy's Lee."

"But grandpa calls me Lee and he calls him Jay." she crossed her arms over her chest and furrowed her brow.

"I told you to rethink those names, right?" Leah ran her fingers through Jacob's hair as he pulled her closer in.

"They'll survive. Now, about you working Saturday when I specifically asked you not to..."

"Oh, come on, Jacob. It's only till noon."

Jacob forced her down onto his lap and tickled her as he whispered something into her ear.

"Wow kids, look at the time!" Leah piped up between laughs. "You have to go to sleep NOW. You're going to grandma's house bright and early tomorrow morning..."

"But dad hasn't told me my story!" Jake piped up.

"Alright, but afterwards, nobody gets up from this bed till morning, got it?" Jacob tucked the children in bed and began telling them the legend of Taha Aki and the third wife.

The End

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**A/N  
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**Ok guys, in case you've remained confuzzled. Jacob and Leah did imprint and Leah accepted the imprint. They had a child, got married and had another one. Leah has an education and a career. Jacob has a career and is furthering his education. Leah returned to phasing after having her children, meaning that the imprint is broken but they chose each other before the imprinting, meaning that imprint or not, they love each other and have chosen to stay together.**

**I wrote this story out of frustration with S.M. She took her best characters and screwed them over. (Jake/Nessie _FAIL_, Leah runs into woods and her story is over _FAIL._) I was also frustrated with other fics where everything happens in two days time and there's no reasoning behind anything. Stories where Leah turns into this forgiving, forgetful and accepting thing who's world is instantly perfect and happy the moment Jacob bangs her or other stories where Jacob has to chose between Renesmee and Leah and he chooses Leah only after he's used her and she's gone through hell and back.**

**I wanted a story where Leah and Jacob end up together but only because they wanted to be together. I also wanted a story where Leah grows as a person and gains all the things S.M denied her, but still manages to remain Leah. Since nobody wanted to write it for me, I had to write it myself which is horrible considering (a) I am no writer (b) I've never written anything outside of book reports on stuff I've read at the very last minute.**

**S.M. hasn't given the full explanation of the mechanics behind imprinting. She said that Jacob and Leah never imprinted because they had already seen each other after phasing and having them imprint would have been too complicated. Then she makes Jacob imprint on Renesmee when she's half vampire, half his mortal enemy and a newborn baby of a different species... and that wasn't complicated? Edward who is dead got Bella pregnant with what sperm? Dead sperm? Venom sperm? And that wasn't complicated? FAIL.**

**I worked around the imprinting by stating that two wolves can't imprint on each other and one of the pair had to be human. So I decided that to keep Leah's mind at ease, since with the wolves the possibility of imprinting is always there, she and Jacob would have to imprint. To accept the imprint or not, would be her choice. To remain with him or not, would be her choice. Yeah, Leah and Jacob had seen each other, but both had phased, so no go. When she had stopped being a wolf for seventeen days straight, imprint try but no go. When she stopped being a wolf for three months and was back to human, imprint BAM.**

**In the book nobody seems to understand Leah's frustration and only see her as a bitch. I decided everyone needed a rude awakening. Nothing is more of a rude awakening than death, so I used it to give them all a kick in the ass and grant Leah a new beginning with new attitudes and a new look on life. When you have nothing to lose, nothing holds you back and when you almost lose something you loved, you reevaluate your life.**

**In this story Leah and Sam get closure, her relationship with Emily stands on a different place, Leah gains friends outside the pack circle and a life outside of La Push. She chooses to get an education, a career and husband. She remains close to her family and even manages to make a family of her own. All of it, all of them, her choices.**

**I tried to keep the story a mix of emotions with one angsty chapter getting followed by a lot of drama and then getting slammed with humor before getting slapped by angst once more. While keeping the original character's essence, I tried to give them a twist and make the characters my own. I hope I managed to keep things realistic and in a believable time frame considering it's a story about shape shifters, vampires and wolves.**

**The protagonist of this story was Leah and everything and everybody else was a mere accessory, hence why most of it is told through her point of view. Still, I tried to give more members of the pack and the people in Leah's life a voice even though they weren't protagonists.**

**This was my first and last story. No, there will be no sequels and all probability points to no more stories from me. I will now catch up on all the stories I stopped reading in order to write my own and will also be back to lurking on all those livejournal sites I haven't had time to browse since I started this story.**

**See you around and thanks for reading!**

**Lala  
**


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